raven stared helplessly out of the classroom window, she wanted class to be over so she could go home and start her part-time job.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy..well judging by the title of the piece here, I am going to assume that this piece right here is perhaps meant to be just the first line of something here and so I'm going to treat it that way. Its a bit tough to review something that's a single line, but the first line does so happen to be arguably the most important line in a story so if there way any line that could be reviewed, it would be this one.
Anyways, so diving into this one. We have ourselves an interesting combination. Its a rather neutral sounding start here because of how normal this action seems on the surface. Staring helplessly out a classroom window waiting for it to end is quite a relatable moment after all. This however clashes beautifully with the reason this person wants to leave because that reason there doesn't seem to be the typical reason someone would pick. Now that gets our attention nicely I think because its different and it makes us curious about where this could be headed.
So overall, I'd say as far as first lines go without any context whatsoever, this is a pretty good one. It seems like it would be effective at getting me to keep reading at any rate.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is Hero, here to review a bit.
To be honest, I didn't really like it. Its a sentence that tells too much, as Kate.Grace already said, but that's not really what I really disliked.
I just feel *headdesk* when there's a character called something like 'Raven' or 'Lemura' or 'Seyella' or anything fantasyesque; I tend to like to think of it as 'naming my own kids'.
First off, naming a character does not mean look for the most odd and crazy thing that suits the character to the bat. Seriously, I can almost guess what happens in the story, or at least, her character, and... well... yeah.
Personally, I would change the name, and then maybe give her a little less of the 'I hate school!' image of teenager. I just roll my eyes reading it; yes, no teen wants to be in school, but why does she want to go her job? If I had the choice of a job and going home to sit in front of computer trying to rack my brains, I would go for the latter.
So, yeah. Change the character a bit, and maybe we have a good beginning.
This seems flat and honestly there could be a bit more here to work with. The person above me also has already said what is on my mind. When some one is reading a story they like to have a little mystery there that drives them to keep reading and find out why Raven wants to get out of school so badly. And then maybe what her part time job is and why she wants to get to work in such a hurry. There could be a bit more "meat" on the bones of this story so that we can see if the story will be a decent one. Maybe you could include the first paragraph to work with instead. And if this sentence was written with detail and depth and emotion then it could be a paragraph. Just add more depth here and it could be a decent story.
Hey!
Well, you didn't really give us much to work with, so I can't really tell where you're going with this. It was interesting, but a tad bit too short. Flesh it out more! I'd suggest posting the first paragraph the next time you ask about your beginning.
I pointed out a few grammatical errors, but it's nothing much.
I am a bit confused though. Is her part-time job at home, or does she want to go home, then go to her part-time job? Clear that up, please.
Now, as Kate said, this is a great beginning. We get a good mental picture of Raven, and we wonder what's happening. But...
This is a let down. You've already answered all of our questions in the first sentence! What else will we have to look forward to as we continue reading?
It's a good start, but you really need to flesh it out more. Have fun spinning your story, and I can't wait to read more!
~blu
I think that it is interesting, but the first sentence of a story isn't what draws me in, but the first paragraph draws me in. I like the name Raven, but you may want to capitolize it in your next editing.
Now then, I get that she wants to go "home and start her part-time job," because she wants to be able to go relax and then go to her job. But, if she is in school, you could probably guess that it is part-time. You could say that she couldn't wait to go to her waitressing job at... Applebee's, or maybe that she wanted to go flip the burgers at Mcdonald's.
Also, your sentence is a comma splice. And you need a capital at the beginning of your setence. Sorry.
Hi, Review time!!
Okay - to be honest with you: its not bad, but its really not great. A story beginning should grip you, not bore you.
Okay, this bit is quite good. It makes you wonder and question about whats happening.
Now this is the bit which lets you down. You slightly kill the wonder you provoked in the first part of the scentence. Also its a bit confusing - go home and start her part time job - What, is her job at home?
Maybe think about putting something more into it. Bulk it out a bit.
How about:
"Raven stared helplessly out of the classroom window. She desperately wanted to get out. If Mr Wilson said anything more about trigonometry she thought that she might scream. The only thing in her head was to get out of that classroom, and get to the part time job that she was so desperate to start."
I dunno if you like that - keep it if you do, but if you dont leave it
Its a good start, and what looks like a good idea - you just need to bulk it out a bit. Remember that writing should never be rushed.
Take Care
If you want anything else reveiwed PM me