Spirit Sword- chapter 1

Hi, PenNPaper here to review!

attackers foot steps

birthing-day

This is a very creative story so far, I like it. All though I'm not to fond of the mother-mine and father-mine business, it seems like too long of a name, it's kind of like a waste of space, but that's just my opinion. Like I said I like it, so keep writing.

Hello wiggy here.

Firstly i like the way the story is going, it makes you wonder why did elder Abel say she's going to need sleep,
and why has she got to see this mysterious witch.

secondly there was a few mistakes that could easily be sorted out by reading through the work carefully (I to often forget to read through my work)

There are two things i would like to point out:
1. All i could hear my own breathing should be all I could hear was my own breathing.
2. Swigging the sword, this is a simple mistake swinging

This is a great and interesting story that i will certainly be reading again

(Please may you pm when you post the next instalment) :d

Hello! Hope you're enjoying yourself on YWS.

All I could hear was my own breathing.

You’re welcome. Now you need to go and visit the Elder,” she said [comma] looking away from me and turning to face the rest of the village children who were eight or above, the age the children of the Nambta learnt to fight [end sentence here] and she She said, “I hope you were watching and learning.”

I was now, almost, fourteen, my birthday being eight sunrises away.

I drew my sword, shut my eyes, and listened. All I could hear was my own breathing and that was it. Then all of a suddenI heard what I was listening for,: the faint sound of my attackers foot steps [How does your MC feel at this moment? Anxious? Excited? Terrified?] . I waited andthen Istruck, I swung swinging the sword up and to the left and then. I heard my attacker groan in pain. [Wouldn't Aspen have stabbed her?]

“Well done, Aspen, you’ve improved since last week. You’ve been practicing.”

I opened my eyes [Wait, so Aspen swung her sword with her eyes closed? Wouldn't that be the last thing a fighter would want to do?] and looked at my teacher, Brandi. She had taught me to fight since the day I had turned eight. I was now, almost, fourteen, my birthday being eight sunrises away.

“Thank you, Brandi.”

“You’re welcomeAspen [Avoid repetition]. Now you’ve got to goneed to and [I changed this because the language was beginning to sound too modern, especialy for a medevial setting like this] see the Elders,” she said, looking away from me a turningto face the rest of the village children who where were eight or above, the age the children of the Nambta learnt to fight. [This detail, while a good fact to know, sticks out like a sore thumb. Try to make it more relevant to this scene]

I bowed as the hierarchy of the village demanded, gave Brandi my wooden training sword, and then I turned and left, heading towards the Elders' hut. As I walked I redid my black hair into the braid that any female over ten was expected to wear. [Is this the first time she has done so? Is this a symbolic, exciting moment for her? Also, describe the setting more. Sounds, sights, smells, all the good stuff ]


When I reached the hut, my mother was stood out side, waiting. “What do they want mother-mine?” [What is the MC feeling right now?]

“I don’t know, darling. Go in and see,” she said, but I noticed that she was close to tears. I went in and knelt before the empty, high chair of the Elders. [Wouldn't she wonder why the chair was empty?]

“Rise, Aspen,” a voice said from the shadows.

I rose and looked toward where the voice had come from, and out of the shadows stepped the Elder. His name was Abel, and his wasthe oldest person in the village.

“Your birthing- day [<--This is formatted oddly] is in eight sun rises.”

“Yes, Ssir,” I replied, wondering how he knew.

“Tomorrow, instead of going to sword practice, you are to go to the Witches’ house.”

Outside of the door a heard mama-mine [I tried, I gave it a shot, but the whole "mother-mine" title is weird for me. Especially when you made it "mama-mine"] begin to sob.

“But why must I go that Elder Abel? No one goes to see the witch apart from when they want help,” I said, fearing the answer.

“I will explain to you on your birthing-day. Now go and get some sleep,” he said turning back to the shadows.

I turned and left and, and as I left I thought I heard the Elder say, very quietly as I went through the door, “You’re going to need it.” [Emotion? Anything?]

I went back to my family hut with mother-mine in silence. Before we entered the hut, though, mother-mine stopped and turned to face me,. “Do not tell your brothers and sisters what has been said to you. It was not for their ears.”

“Yes, mother-mine,” I said bowing my head, wondering why I was not to tell them.

“Good, Aspen. Now go in and help with moonlight meal.”

I went into the hut and sat beside my two sisters, Abir and Zia, who were sitting on the bench cutting up the vegetables that would go with our moonlight meal. The moonlight meal was a special occasion; it was to celebrate the day and the night being the same length. andIt only happened every four seasons.

I sat and was just starting to cut up a Rambutan [Huh? What's that?], when my two younger brothers came charging in, Habib chasing Imam, then behind them came the tall, imposing figure of themy older brother, Kai, my play mate when I was younger and later the person who helped me with my fighting now, and wWith his help I had become top of the fighting class and almost as good as some of the adults.

The three boys sat down and began to help prepare the meat for the moonlight meal, duck that Habib and Imam had caught and killed with their traps and slingshots and the deer that Kai had shot with his bow and arrows.

Then mother-mine came in followed by father-mine, and we sat as a family and prepared the meal. [Any exchanges? Glances between the mother and father? Is there worry in the atmosphere?]

By the time we had finished preparing and cooking the meal, it was dark and time to start on the meal [You're saying meal a lot] that the whole village shared. As I sat and ate I found myself looking at the Witch [When did they go outside?] . She was the tallest women in the village, with long, black hair tied into a braid. Her hair was almost the same colour as my own midnight hair, but I had never noticed before just how alike it was,. I supposed that was because, like every child, I was slightly afraid of the Witch.

Elder Abel and Chief Keanu then stood up and silence fell. Elder Abel then began the pray that everyone, even the youngest of the village knew;



We thank you sky for the rain and the sun,

That comes to ground and feeds the families seated before me.



There was a moments silence before Chief Keanu carried on with the pray;



We thank you forest for the meat and shelter,

That protects us from the elements and prevents us from starving.



Then Elder Abel spoke once more;



We thank you rivers for the fish and water,

That feeds our families and slacks our thirsts. [Italics? I do like this prayer, though. It's creative and unique.]



And that was itthe pray was over. Everyone got up in silence and walked back to their huts. Before I went in, I looked behind me for one last look at the Witch, the Chief and the Elder. Then I looked up at the sky and the stars. Then, as my eyes began to droop, I went into my family hut and lay down on my animal skin covering and slept.