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Leaves

by midnightdreary


So I like someone, and it's fall, so I thought, why not write about the both of them! This is my first draft, so criticism is greatly appreciated. 


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Tue Oct 31, 2017 6:02 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello midnightdreary! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
The first time {that} I spoke with you
it was pleasant, with just the right amount
of teenage awkwardness{.}[b]
As I walked that day,
a red leaf blew up to me,
a sign of the coming season.
I picked up the leaf and put it
in the left pocket of my shirt. {Ohh, the imagery here is amazing}

The next time we talked,
we sat outside on a bench.
The leaves were starting to litter the ground.
You leaned your head against your bag[b]{.}

I sat on the next bench over, {Wait, if you were sitting on the same bench, how were you sitting on the next bench over?}
leaving just enough space.
When you left,
your goodbye was caught up
in the sound of the wind
scattering the leaves
across the pavement.

The third time,
I realized I couldn't look you in the eye,
because in the moment I did,
it was like I saw you for the first time. {AWWWWWWW}
When I went home that day,
I shut the door and turned around.
Behind me was a trail of leaves
where I had walked.

When you talked to me last,
you rested your head {on} the table, {What table?}
and I rested my chin to meet you. {Chin on what?}
You tapped the tip of my index finger with your own
and asked {me} how my day had gone.
The trees are taking their final stand against the cold,
starting fires before it snows.
When I walked into my home, the leaves followed, of course.
But when I tried to close the door,
the wind had other plans.
No matter how hard I try,
my door stays wide open,
and my house is {filled} with the fire of autumn leaves. {OMG THE IMAGERY AND METAPHORSSSSSSSSSS I'M LITERALLY FANGIRLING}


My interpretation:



I loved this. This was about the gradual fall into love, right? **cocks finger guns** ayeeeee

Overall:



Overall, I really liked, but your flow could be worked on by adding a few extra words. I loved the style that you chose. It was very unique and I've never seen it before. :D

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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I'd gladly give you my soul if you'd review all my writing like this! Also that pun was just awful haha. Thank you for all the suggestions! I will make sure to keep them all in mind! Also, your review was so organized and nice, I love it!



zaminami says...


Thank you! And I sure will - I won't pass up any chances for souls



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Tue Oct 31, 2017 1:57 am
midnightdreary says...






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44 Reviews


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Tue Oct 31, 2017 1:56 am
midnightdreary says...



Ugh also I just noticed that I wrote "in the table", not "on the table" smh. Yeah please call out any spelling/grammar mistakes.






Oh! Hahaha I didn't pick up on that! It did make me laugh though XD



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Tue Oct 31, 2017 1:48 am
LeonineLisbeth wrote a review...



Wow, such a beautiful language used in this piece! I am a sucker for imagery, so this has definitely piqued my interest. :) I love the description of the "coming season," comparing the autumn leaves to fire. For a first draft there is definitely not a lot I would change. Well done, indeed!

The only thing I have to say is the quote "The trees are taking their final stand against the cold, starting fires before it snows." It's very beautiful, but I did have to a double-take in that section to make sense of it. Do you mean to say that the trees are trying to keep their last leaves on the branches? If so, does the "starting fires" part refer to the vividly orange leaves still falling into the snow? I'm personally not too sure, but I might just re-think that part if you decide to write anymore drafts.

Otherwise, this is great!! Keep up the amazing work, and I look forward to seeing more from you ^^

-Lisbeth






Thank you! I was also worried about that part which you mention, so I'll make sure to edit it when I revise. I was trying to put out that the leaves are saying, "If I die, I'll do it in the most beautiful way". Yeah!





Ah, even more beautiful!!! :D
I've been doing this online writing course for the last few weeks, and one thing that I've learned is if you think something is wrong, it most likely is and you that you should learn to trust your gut. That being said, what a beautiful meaning behind that line. <3





Thanks for the advice! That's actually super helpful.




A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
— Homer Simpson