Young Writers Society

Hi mialynire, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.

Note before hand: I will try not to repeat to many things that have already been said, but the ones that I do repeat I really think you need to fix asap.

Theme: You have a rather dark theme running through this poem. You give a sense of fear right off the bat and draw me into the poem. I do think that you could expand the poem if you wanted to, but it is still really good as it is, leaving me pondering.

Description: For the most part your emotions run really deep though out the poem, but you don't give me anything to see if you know what I mean. I don't see a lot of places where you could put colour or senses in, but there are a few places and I highly recommend that you put in a few senses or similes.

Grammar and Punctuation: (He'll sit on my lap and whisper saying he's afraid,) I think this would work better if you put a comma between (whisper) and (saying). Just a suggestion.

Small suggestions: (Like that, just like that, that day I will see you suffer and keep mum .) This line really doesn't make sense and kind of draws me attention away from the poem, so I really think you should reword it or something, because I have no idea as to what you are trying to say.

Overall I think it was a great poem and I look forward to seeing more of your work. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.

Your friend, Felistia.

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Hey! Here I am to review as requested!

Before I go into specifics, I'd like to point out the the first thing I noted when I saw this poem. As I had told others, capitalization in lines really isn't the best way to present a poem, given that you've line breaks in there and punctuations. For more info about capitalization in poem, read this. I also noted how there was a quite spacious space between each line, so reading this can help you on how to format poetry.

Now that all has been cleared, let's get to the meat of this poem.

All this will start with a fight, on a very silly issue, you two will argue with all your might,

All this will start with a fight on a very silly issue—
you two will argue with all your might.

When they teach us not to do that, saying it's wrong;
I will look hopelessly at him, not knowing what to answer with.

Your call for help, I will.

Like that, just like that, that day I will see you suffer and keep mum.

Your voice, filled with pain, begging for help,
You'll call my name out loud;
Even louder. Once, twice, again and again.
But, I will pretend I'm not hearing, I'll totally ignore your pain.

Your suffering voice
begs for my help.
You'll call my name out loud.
Once and twice,
again, again.
But, I'll hold my breath
and cover my ears.
Your pain—I'll ignore.

Hey, rine! Something like a review ( I will click "Yes" for Is this a review? ) from a non-reviewer of poetry.

First, of all, what should I start with? Well, my review will be just complements.

Dude, that was awesome. I mean, I got the whole idea. I got to take a look inside the writer's mind and heart. The complexity that appears when parents act like fools and kids become adults. That's a really good theme to write on. Also, the way you have written it, it actually showed that a kid was writing the poem. There was no stressing of adjectives or adverbs. Just the way a kid would write after he or she has been through this experience.

And, what I liked most is that the poem didn't only show a fighting scene, it also told a story about relationship between a mother and her daughter/ son. You didn't make it clear. It was like a surprise. The poem started form one place and took a turn to a different direction.

The poem was awesome. I really liked it. Really, really, really....

Ouch, that poem burned deeply. You told the plot well, and the way you subtly laid out an entire story within three stanzas is impressive. I don't quite understand the line "Like that, just like that, that day I will see you suffer and keep mum", but the rest is simple to understand and really takes a look inside the narrator's head without saying much. It was painful and went deep into the mind of someone who knows the reality and chooses what they can within it. It's clever and I felt as though I could understand the narrator, regardless of the fact that I can't relate to their situation. Well done with this poem! Have an awesome day and good luck writing more!

Your poetry is pretty awsome. Its theme I think it is very touching and painful, and in my opinion, women like the one described in your lyrics do not even worh being named a human being, let alone a mother. I love your poem! <3