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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hi mialynire, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Note before hand: I will try not to repeat to many things that have already been said, but the ones that I do repeat I really think you need to fix asap.
Theme: You have a rather dark theme running through this poem. You give a sense of fear right off the bat and draw me into the poem. I do think that you could expand the poem if you wanted to, but it is still really good as it is, leaving me pondering.
Description: For the most part your emotions run really deep though out the poem, but you don't give me anything to see if you know what I mean. I don't see a lot of places where you could put colour or senses in, but there are a few places and I highly recommend that you put in a few senses or similes.
Grammar and Punctuation: (He'll sit on my lap and whisper saying he's afraid,) I think this would work better if you put a comma between (whisper) and (saying). Just a suggestion.
Small suggestions: (Like that, just like that, that day I will see you suffer and keep mum .) This line really doesn't make sense and kind of draws me attention away from the poem, so I really think you should reword it or something, because I have no idea as to what you are trying to say.
Overall I think it was a great poem and I look forward to seeing more of your work. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Hey! Here I am to review as requested!
Before I go into specifics, I'd like to point out the the first thing I noted when I saw this poem. As I had told others, capitalization in lines really isn't the best way to present a poem, given that you've line breaks in there and punctuations. For more info about capitalization in poem, read this. I also noted how there was a quite spacious space between each line, so reading this can help you on how to format poetry.
Now that all has been cleared, let's get to the meat of this poem.
This is what I'd say as run-on sentence. Run-on sentence is pretty much one that has too many commas in it (when some places shouldn't have them) and can disrupt the readability as well as the flow and grammar of the line. The first comma is unneeded, the second one should be a period. Also, there's no line break, which makes this line sufferingly long. You should break it. Some other long lines in other stanzas should be broken too. I'd suggest a restructure of it like this:
As you can see, I used an em dash to replace the comma. Punctuations are many, and you can use them to vary the pronunciation of your line.
Here you used a semi-colon, and while it's a great way to vary the sentence, it's incorrectly used. Semi-colon joints a two independent clauses (each clause having a subject and predicate), and the first one you have there isn't an indepent. This can be fixed by removing 'When'. Also, the 'with' in the second line is unneeded, so you can remove that too.
These lines don't make sense, so it'd be better if you rephrase them or elabore on them.
Alright, so the first stanza is built on something vague. Starting a fight with a 'silly issue' doesn't give us anything to imagine. Directness such as the scene about the mother telling the persona to go to her room, and the scene of the brother doesn't add much to give an impact. I'd like to see if you can weave in some metaphors, symbolism, alliteration and assonance, as well as personification. These are all helpful literal devices that can make your message even stronger.
The same critic is maintained for the second stanza. There's still the same of directness, and while I can see how this one is the climax of the poem, I can't really feel it if not only for its content. I think here you could put in some suspense by making the lines short, using fragments to make the rhythm a bit faster. Like these lines:
Can be make more suspenseful in this way:
The third stanza can be made stronger. As it is, it's the conclusion of the poem, and so should cover up loose ends provided by the stanzas before. The wordings of some lines are awkward, and should be elaborated or restructured. More exploration on the reason the persona treats her ignorance as a reminder for her mother is needed. Like I said, use more literary devices to make a stanza more powerful.
That being said, I can see the message you've tried to get across. That's all I can say, so keep up the good job and improve!
Hey, rine! Something like a review ( I will click "Yes" for Is this a review? ) from a non-reviewer of poetry.
First, of all, what should I start with? Well, my review will be just complements.
Dude, that was awesome. I mean, I got the whole idea. I got to take a look inside the writer's mind and heart. The complexity that appears when parents act like fools and kids become adults. That's a really good theme to write on. Also, the way you have written it, it actually showed that a kid was writing the poem. There was no stressing of adjectives or adverbs. Just the way a kid would write after he or she has been through this experience.
And, what I liked most is that the poem didn't only show a fighting scene, it also told a story about relationship between a mother and her daughter/ son. You didn't make it clear. It was like a surprise. The poem started form one place and took a turn to a different direction.
The poem was awesome. I really liked it. Really, really, really....
Ouch, that poem burned deeply. You told the plot well, and the way you subtly laid out an entire story within three stanzas is impressive. I don't quite understand the line "Like that, just like that, that day I will see you suffer and keep mum", but the rest is simple to understand and really takes a look inside the narrator's head without saying much. It was painful and went deep into the mind of someone who knows the reality and chooses what they can within it. It's clever and I felt as though I could understand the narrator, regardless of the fact that I can't relate to their situation. Well done with this poem! Have an awesome day and good luck writing more!
Your poetry is pretty awsome. Its theme I think it is very touching and painful, and in my opinion, women like the one described in your lyrics do not even worh being named a human being, let alone a mother. I love your poem! <3
Good point. It just disgusts me, and at some points hurts me, to see that women just become mother without realizing if they can bear the responsibility of being a mother or not.