Me and the Moon

I just wanted to post something. I wrote this awhile ago. It's a bit long. But, any feedback would be appreciated.

Kristy sighed heavily and gathered her papers into a folder. She stood up and turned off the light to her office. As she made her way to the front door of the building, Carlie, her friend, caught up with her. “Hey, are you working tomorrow?” she asked.

Kristy nodded. “I’m coming in around eight tomorrow morning.” She brushed a piece of flyaway blonde hair out of her eyes.

“I’m coming in at seven. The Christmas party is coming up soon. Are you planning on bringing your family?” Carlie asked.

Kristy shrugged. “Well, Lorelei’s probably going to be doing something with her friends. She’s always going out since she got her license. You know, whenever there’s a car that’s not being used, she’s gone.” She chuckled. “Alex’s grades are slipping and since the Christmas party is a few days before school let’s out for break, I’m going to make him stay home and make up homework. And if those two aren’t going Joey probably won’t want to come. So, I think Jeff and I will go alone.”

Carlie nodded. “Well, it’s always nice to get away from the kids for a little while.” She smiled.

“Yeah,” Kristy agreed. “Well, I got to go make sure Alex is doing his homework. I think he’s finally hitting that ‘I don’t care’ stage.”

“Yeah, Ben hit that a while ago. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Carlie said.

Kristy waved and walked out the door and started towards her car. It was freezing cold. Snowflakes were falling from the dark blue sky, blanketing the landscape in a powdery, white substance. Kristy approached her black Mercedes Benz and unlocked it. She quickly turned on the heater and pulled out of the parking lot.

Both she and her husband were lawyers. They were very good at what they did, and made a lot of money. They lived on Maple Hill, a very private area with few neighbors.

She felt her stomach growl and pulled her cell phone out of her purse. She pressed the number three on her speed dial and waited for it to ring. “Hi, this is Alex. Sorry, I’m not here right now. But, if you leave a message I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” Kristy sighed and put the phone back into her purse. She decided that if Alex did want something to eat, she could order a pizza when she got home. An eerie feeling washed over her. Alex always answered his phone. She shook her head, she was worrying herself. He was probably in the shower or doing homework.

Kristy turned up the radio and sang along to some outdated eighties song. She could imagine Lorelei sitting next to her, laughing. Kristy missed those days.

Lorelei always drove Alex around in that car. When she hit a red light, Kristy reached over and opened the glove compartment. She grabbed the first CD she saw and popped it into the CD player.

It was something Alex made. She was pretty sure that Lorelei would like it too. Kristy didn’t know why she was listening but, she wanted to know what was “hip.”

The beat was OK, until the people started singing. Well, it was some singing, and some screaming. Kristy scowled and popped the CD out, disgusted. She would have to tell Jeff not to let the kids listen to that crap anymore.

Kristy turned onto the path towards Maple Hill. Lorelei and Joey had to both work. Lorelei at the local Pick N’ Save and Joey at Applebee’s.

Kristy pulled into the garage and got out of the car. When she got into the living room, she was overcome by warmth. She didn’t hear any noise. “Alex? Jeff?” she called out.

She took of her coat and hung it over the couch. Nobody replied and Kristy’s stomach clenched. If they left, she was sure Jeff would call or leave a note.

Kristy looked down the hallway and noticed the bathroom light was on. She slowly crept down the hall and peeked in the door. “Oh my god!” she screamed. Alex’s head was lying on Jeff’s chest. Blood was splattered all over, pouring out of a wound in her husband’s chest.

“Alex, what happened?” she asked. Alex sat up, kneeling directly into blood, unresponsive. “Alex, you didn’t do this did you?”

He shook his head back and forth multiple times. “Who did? Alex, hon, you gotta tell me what happened.”

Tears filled his eyes. He pointed to his dad. “What? Did he…did he do this to himself?

Alex nodded. Kristy crouched down beside him. “D-Did you see?” Kristy asked. He nodded again.

Kristy covered her mouth with her hand. She couldn’t imagine seeing that. “My baby,” she whispered and pulled Alex into her arms. “Why don’t you go change your clothes?” her voice wavered. “I need to make some calls. Just stay in your room.”

Alex pulled away from her and stood up. His face was emotionless. Kristy watched him go in agony. She turned to her lifeless husband once more and buried her head in her hands, letting herself cry.

***

Joey pulled into the parking lot of the local Pick N’ Save. He waited impatiently for his sister. He saw her running towards his car, she was probably freezing cold.

She opened the door and got in the car, closing the door quickly behind her. They were lucky their schedules usually worked well together. “Hey,” Lorelei said, always the enthusiastic one.

“Hi,” Joey replied.

Lorelei buckled her seatbelt. “Can we get ice cream?”

“Lore, I’m tired.” Joey said. “How about another time?”

Lorelei leaned back into the seat. “Fine, but don’t think I’m going to forget about it.”

Joey laughed. “I know you won’t.”

Lorelei smiled to herself. “But… I really want some.”

“Give me one good reason,” Joey said.

“Umm, well, Alex had to stay home and study all day. I think he deserves some ice cream,” Lorelei said. She knew that Joey would do almost anything for Alex.

“You’re paying,” Joey said and turned sharply into the Dairy Queen.

So, five minutes later they pulled out of the drive through with ice cream. “I love you,” Lorelei said with a laugh as she took a bite of her Blizzard.

“Yeah, whatever,” Joey said.

Lorelei smiled and waited to get home.

When they got to their house Joey stopped abruptly and stared at the police cars and ambulances that lined their driveway. “What’s going on?” Lorelei asked, panic in her voice.

Joey shook his head and parked by the curb. He got out of the car and jogged to the front door, Lorelei following close behind.

Joey flung open the door and was surprised by the number of police officers. One was talking to his mom and the other to his little brother, but it didn’t look as though Alex was saying anything. Joey’s stomach did somersaults. Lorelei grabbed his arm. “What the hell is going on?” she whispered.

Joey slammed the door, loud enough for everyone to turn around and stare at him. Alex used the opportunity to sneak away from the police officer. Joey watched him go up the stairs to the bedroom they shared.

Kristy excused herself from the officer and approached her other two children. “We need to talk,” she said and led them to her bedroom.

***

Alex closed the door to his room behind him. He flicked on the light and started towards his bed. He tripped over something and glanced down. He covered his mouth with his hand and started breathing really hard when he saw his jeans, drenched in his father’s blood.

He stepped backwards and leaned against the wall, falling to the ground. He pulled his knees to his chest and pressed his face against them. The gunshot was as real as it was the first time. Alex sobbed and trembled. He kept his face to his knees. He thought if he looked up, he would see it again. His father’s eyes rolling back, the blood splattering against the white tiles, standing out like a sore thumb.

Alex gripped at the shag carpet under him and tried to control the fear running through him. He stood up and crawled onto his bed. Eyes closed, facedown on the pillow, he thought of what happened. Everyone just wanted to know what exactly happened. He didn’t want to talk about it, not now, not ever.

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Hey, I just Wanted to say that this is a very good beginning and that you should definitly contiue. Still, there is room for improvement.

- For starters you should explain things more. I was over halfway through before I realized that Kristy was an adult.

Snowflakes were falling from the dark blue sky, blanketing the landscape in a powdery, white substance.

Would you really describe snow that way? I certainly wouldn't!

Other than that I like it. You've given the characters good personnalitys and shown what they are thinking and feeling. I like it and will continue reading.
-Critical

User avatar
the doctor
Review

Hey, I just read this. Its Okay. It could be improved. I guess, its a good start.

- Explain more, and describe more on WHO the characters are, so we get to know them better, otherwise they're just names of people talking., also it would explain more on why this person died and why he was important..(eg. was he a loving father, somebody really close) it just explains more.

- Your dialogue is good, you included all the, "he said, she said, he smiled, she laughed, etc etc" but try to variate that stuff, don't ALWAYS put "he said, she said....." its good to have a variation
I mean, you could even do without it and it would look smoother

- i thought you have a very good voice in your writing, i thought it had an O.K. flow, it was kind of choppy but it could have been better.

Great Job. First piece of writing I've read here, and I'm impressed.
Its good that there are people my age practicing writing so they can improve.
And thats what I'm going to start doing.

This was very good. I liked the descriptions and the emotion in it. I understood the family, as well as what Alex was going through. Two complaints though:

Both she and her husband were lawyers. They were very good at what they did, and made a lot of money. They lived on Maple Hill, a very private area with few neighbors.

I wanted to scream when I read this. You did such a good job of not writing a mini biography to set up the story, and then you threw in that. I'm not sure if you can somehow incorporate that without summarizing, or just get rid of it. It didn't seem to be very important to the story, so it's probably easier to get rid of it.

My second complaint is that you didn't really explain why he committed suicide. People don't just come home from work one day and kill themselves in front of their children. The family seems happy and normal, and they certainly don't have any financial issues, so I didn't really see why he would commit suicide.

Other than those two things, however, this was very good.



Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
— Captain James T. Kirk