Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Fat.
Three letters of the alphabet that a part
have no meaning
but together they’re like a knife.
Stupid.
Not a dumb mistake or foolish cat video
but the inability to think
a brain that does not work.
Ugly.
Like the Ugly Duckling from a sweet fairytale
but I will not transform into a beautiful
swan. No makeup can make me pretty.
Insane.
Not hilarious or daring,
I am mad and out of control
and crazy like my mother.
Worthless.
Less than a shiny penny I found
as a child.
A dirty penny that no one wants to keep.
Unsexy.
Stretch marks that turn you
off, white rolls so thick you can pinch!
Breasts that sag and not perk.
Calm.
How I feel with the gun in my hand.
Bullets loaded,
trigger needing to be pulled.
Unaware.
You as you slurp beer,
watching sports as I creep
into the room.
Amused.
The emotion your face takes
when you see the gun. Because you
don’t believe I will do it.
Relief.
What seeps through me when
the bullet breaks your skin,
soaring right through your chest.
Free.
This is what I am now that
you are gone.
I am finally free.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey
I am here to give you a review.
I would like to stat with the little errors and how you can improve them.
First off in the second line a part should be one word, apart.
I do want to comment on the formatting of the poem. I think making them into stanzas would be better as each 4 lines seem to tackle one topic so I suggest you add a stop in between the lines to mark as stanzas. I do like how you made the topic of the lines into a single line as it managed to make them stand out and make them important.
I love how the story seemed to change from self hatred to hatred on another person as I really didn't expect it and that is what made it truly refreshing. The concept of getting back up and fighting for your freedom is what really came to mind and I adore how it was incorporated here. Very good work a like well deserved. Keep on writing!
~RS
Okay, this is a interesting paragraph, and I have a few complaints.
For one, it appears you have inconsistent periods, in poetry unless you are doing a certain style, you don't have periods.
For two, I am unsure of what is actually happening, maybe this is a father or a boyfriend, I can't tell.
And for three, the plot seems to be incredibly weak, sure it is a poem but even still, try to develop what you are saying.
This is a good start, just adjust a few things and you will make a much better poem.