Young Writers Society

metritis--


Stop thrashing at the keyboard.

The least you could do is manage a half-way coherent poem for us to respond to. That, or you should take up kayaking.


Best,
Brad

This is the original poem but I wrote it about 6 months ago. It didn't seem finished but I have lost my inspiration so I have no idea how to finish it!




Skye’s The Limit

The make up it stains your face and you know it
On the outside you’re laughing, smiling, deceiving
When will you see its okay to cry?
If you had only said it would be different
If you only said that she had died

A hint of blood in the taste of the wine
Like a bittersweet cocktail of love and denial
Who thought a little drink could end like this?
Ad least in death we can’t cover the truth
I can finally understand you.

We are all dangling on a spider’s web
Wrapped up in the thread we hope won’t break
Who’s there to say it’s not your fault?
They say don’t play with fire
But it’s a little too late; you’re all burnt inside


And what have we learnt from this?
Skye’s the limit




Thanks again!

Ms Metritis

Hey yall thanks for your comments!I know it dosen't really make sense but it was just a load of random words that seemed to fit together!I am thinking I should probly split it into the three poems it was origanally?

Thanks!

Ms Metritis

I second xantham gum's assessment. There is a lot of extraneous info in here. And "faking" seems irrelevant and somewhat stupid -- dont shove your message down our throats, make it part of the poem!

Otherwise, though, I quite liked some of the imagery used here. Just needs a bit of trimming down, IMHO.

The makeup it stains your face and you know it
On the outside you’re laughing, smiling, deceiving
[s]Waiting for you to crack [/s]

That last line is completely ... wrong. First you're talking about "you" smiling decieving etc., and then you switch to someone else, waiting for "you" to crack. If I were you, I'd think about revising or scrapping that line, or perhaps rewording it to make the subject specific and clear: "I'm waiting for you to crack".

They say don’t play with fire
But it’s a little too late; you’re all burnt inside
[s]And I’m faking[/s]

That last line spoils a bit of great imagery. Bin it!

A hint of blood in the taste of the wine
Like a bittersweet cocktail of love and denial,
You can swallow or spit it out

Please, carry on this idea. I love the first line of this stanza - and the second aint bad either. But the third promises to continue the strain and then doesnt deliver. It just...switches to "pulled to the core" -- which doesnt seem to fit at all. I think that's your main problem. You jump around too much. Think about what you want to say in each verse, then trim it down so that it says that and nothing else. Poems require economy of language and ideas. You have neither at this stage.

Pulled to the core then pushed to the edge
At gun point, a tremor, just short of the head
[s]And I’m faking[/s]

These lines have no relevance, but I like the image of the middle one. Perhaps you could work it in somewhere else?

[s]We are dangling on a spider’s web
Over a pit of broken glass
Our broken homes can’t be the reason
Irrational behaviour seems a curse
In this moment you can’t lie to me
And I’m faking [/s]

I just think this adds absolutely nothing to the poem.

[s]I discern you can see right through me
My selfish lust for you
Sympathy was never your forte
I know I beat you down
Slipped through the back of your psyche
[s]And I’m faking[/s]

I agree with xg -- discern is the wrong type of vocab for this poem. In fact, I'm sorry to say it but this entire stanza seems nonsensical to me. I would advise getting rid of it.

Run and jump into the dark
Pull away your synthetic mask
In my head, I planned every word that I wanted said
But I see your face, I can’t forget
Your not as sweet as [s]your[/s] I was lead to believe
[s]And I’m faking [/s]

The ideas here dont hang together so well -- I get the spiderman imagery running through here but other than that, I'm not seeing any point to these lines either. They need more refinement.

So I’m sitting here trying to get through to you
But all hope I had for change
Is lost in my words
Never going to be the same
Waiting for our last good bye for old times sake
[s]And I’m faking [/s]

Rhythm is a bit jerky, and there are too many cliches for my liking. Perhaps you could expand on the idea of "last good byes" through the poem instead of just this one verse?

They say at the end there is clarity
But none has come to me
[s]Fake? [/s]

Hope you have fun
With the rest of your life
Don’t forget about us.

I quite like this bitter ending. I'm getting images of a break up? But you need to smooth the whole poem out, make sure that you do tell a story, however subtle it may be. As it is, I'm getting a confusion of images about a fake girl wearing too much make-up, poisoned wine and the dissolution of a relationship. How do these fit together?

Cut down on the dross and sort out your message. You have some great descriptions and images and the rhythm is well maintained. You just need to focus a bit more.

Cheers,
~bubbles

First off, "And I'm faking" is an awkward line, it's not needed, and in my opinion, it should be chopped out of every stanza.

The make up, it stains your face and you know it

We are dangling on a spider’s web
Over a pit of broken glass
Our broken homes can’t be the reason
Irrational behaviour seems a curse
In this moment you can’t lie to me

I discern you can see right through me

They say at the end there is clarity
But none has come to me
Fake?

Hope you have fun
With the rest of your life
Don’t forget about us.