Published January 21, 2013
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140,643 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
This is great! Beautiful! Beautiful! Really nice! Like Questio said, really different!
My favourite verse is this:
Perhaps it worries as it grows,
it's watchful gaze that protects us,
and only when it's reassured,
sure that we've done no wrong,
that we are behaving, like the moons children,
does it turn it's dark back to us.
THis is really nice, a really interesting way of looking at the moon.
My only negatives are spelling and grammar, so I'll just go through and get all of your mistakes and give you a little link. Sorry...
It a half-moon, shining down
should be, it's a half- moon, shining down. I think that's just a typo.
it's pale light bright and cool against a starless sky.
Now this 'it's' could be either of the it's, which is why it's important to get it right. I don't know which one you meant because you made a it's mistake later, so I'll give you a link to this great apostrophe site so you can learn it. http://www.apostrophe.org.uk/page2.html
depending on which it's you mean, it could have really different meanings. It could be:
it is pale light...
or it could be
its (belonging to it) pale light.
.
sullen with our mistkakes,
mistakes
it's soft pale glow to nil,
I think you mean its
it's watchful gaze that protects us
again, i think you mean its
like the moons children,
it should be 'moon's children'
it's dark back to us.
should be its dark back.
In conclusion, a lovely little piece with nothing to suggest other than the grammar, but please do have a look at that site and learn about apostrophes
I really liked this one! It was unlike any poem that mentions the moon I've ever read, and I like the way you made it like a person, watching us and worried about us. I had to read it twice to really understand the part about filling and spilling glass. But that's just me. The ending was great, but then again, I'm biased; its the kind of ending I always go with. Looking back over it, I didn't really like the transition from this first-person veiw of walking outside at night and seeing the moon and then thinking all this. Although I did like it, the transition for me seemed kinda spontaneous and unexpected. Perhaps add something about continuing walking between the 3rd and 4th stanzas. But the poem is great without those little things I mentioned. Like I said, I really liked it, and it is really well-written.