You were shivering,
by the waning light of the flameless coals,
that even as I looked upon them
I could see that they offered no warmth
against the penetrating chill.
The embers cast a red,
golden glow upon your face,
beautiful though shrouded in shadows.
The forest loomed dauntingly around us, I recall.
To me they were home.
To you, I can imagine
they were something much,
much more horrible.
A prison, perhaps.
A tomb.
~
I made no sound as I approached,
my wispy, spectral form,
nearly invisible by the meagre light
of the dying ashes and embers.
The sliver of the moon
Pierced not the canopy.
I floated to you like smoke,
a river of cloud,
flowing through cold, stagnant air.
~
We were together in shadow,
and only by that shadow could I see
the light of your soul.
It glowed, faint but undeniable,
like heated metal, or glass,
or a star through so much stone.
You were untouchable,
and I invisible.
~
And you shivered,
So violently I feared your bones would break,
cracked and brittle from a cold
that I could not name.
I could not feel the bite of cold,
nor the caress of warmth.
You watched, eyes shimmering,
as your embers darkened, dying.
What else could I do?
I reached out with a spectral hand
and tossed upon the embers a branch.
“Who’s there?” You called,
You're voice a song of beauty,
And hidden sorrow.
I couldn’t answer.
I tossed more wood onto the fire.
I fanned the waning coals with my own spirit,
offering up it’s own energy as fuel
for your smouldering embers.
They flickered and flared, blazing to life once more.
By it’s light I beheld you,
briefly the most beautiful thing
I’d ever seen.
But the world darkened
as my spirit was consumed,
And the long dead fire of my soul
Can at the very least
Keep the chill and shadow
From consuming yours.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello!
This was a very interesting poem. I don't get the chance to read poems written in this style very often.
This was very narrative. It told quite a story, and it told it in a way that kept my attention. I kept wondering who these people were, why one was spectral, what was going on...?
by the end, most of my questions were answered. I still didn't know who these people were, but by the end, it didn't really matter. I didn't have to know to feel the impact of the poem. I assume one of them was a ghost, and the other was dying from the cold.
I love the diction you use in this, but there were a few places where it felt stale. You used archaic ways of saying things and modern ways of saying things, and they don't mesh. If you are going to go at all archaic, I think you need to go 100%. So, for example, these wordings stuck out to me in a bad way:
"The forest loomed dauntingly around us, I recall." Mostly I don't like the word "dauntingly." Your use of the word "Loomed" tells us enough about how the forest looked.
"Pierced not the canopy." see this is one instance where I feel like you're trying to be all old and archaic and stuff, but it just reads awkwardly. I suggest you change it to something like "could not pierce" or similar.
"cracked and brittle from a cold
that I could not name." Honestly this is a tiny thing, but I think that "that" can be removed quite nicely and it'll flow better too.
"and tossed upon the embers a branch." again, it sounds like you're trying too hard. Perhaps you could switch it to sound less Yoda-y and say "and tossed a branch upon the embers."
"You're voice a song of beauty," This is a simple typo. It should read "your voice."
Another thing to watch out for in in this is cliches. A lot of the things you said in here verged on cliche. Your images were nice, but it was things like how you said it was only from the darkness he could see the light of her soul. That's rather flowery and cliche. You save the stanza with the image of stars and molten metal and glass, but the beginning of that stanza is rather cliche. And that's not the only instance of this, it's just the example I used. Pick through this carefully and ask yourself whether you have heard the line a million times before.
Also I think there were some grammar/punctuation issues in this, but now I can't find them. So perhaps pick through it again with that in mind.
You've got a pretty good poem here. Great work! Let me know if you have any questions!
I hope this helped. Keep writing!
~fortis
Hey there, methrirr123! cleverclogs here for a Review Day review!
So, I get the feeling that the narrator is a ghost. Am I right? That's certainly an interesting perspective, and I applaud you choosing to do it. I think it worked fairly well. I like how you told the story through the eyes of the ghost, but still kept the focus on the woman. A good idea well done is a wonderful thing to read.
My main problem with this poem is its wordiness. It became overbearing at times, like the poem was throwing itself in my face saying, "FEEL SOMETHING! BE SAD!" That's not very good. It was just a bit too purpley for my liking. Maybe it's just my opinion, but I probably would like this poem more if you would tone it down on the wordiness.
You also have a few problems with grammar, namely punctuation. There are a lot of commas where they shouldn't be. For instance,
Without being split up into lines, this would read:
Do you see any punctuation that shouldn't be there? I do. The comma after "form" is unnecessary. If it's unneeded when this is in prose form, then it's unneeded in poem form, too. I urge you to go through your poem and look for instances where there are commas where they shouldn't be. For more information, look at this lovely resource from our very own knowledge base: Poetry & Punctuation
There were also instances where the wording came off as weird to me (and not just because of the wordiness), I recommend just reading through these and seeing if it sounds right to you.
Here are a few other things:
"You're" should be "your".
I see you've taken the time to split this up into stanzas, but I'd like to see you go one step further. Time for a little formatting lesson: To remove the annoying double spaces between lines, press the "shift" key along with the "enter" key in the YWS publisher. I think that would make this poem look much more organized.
Overall, this isn't a bad poem, but I think that the wordiness is a bit overwhelming for me. Maybe it's just not my cup of tea, because other people seem to like it. Keep on writing!
Oh my god the formatting... Ill try that, thank you xD The word document I have doesn't include the squiggles, but I couldn't get it separated with blank spaces
Hey hey!
So, first off this poem is so extremely amazing that I cannot dines words to describe it. Web I review I for look for mistakes, but oftentimes I try to enjoy the poem rather than loo for little tiny errors. I must say that this poem was so impeccably produced and published that it kind left me speechless.
I have to be honest when I saw the word tinder I thought that this would be a poem metaphorically about the actual app called tinder. Now I dot use tinder... But u know its a dating app, so when I started reading your poem I was overwhelmed by the difference in poems. But to be totally honest I think that I like this poem way better than a metaphor about a dating app.
I must complimt you on your wording. This made me read deeper and deeper into your poem. The way you wrote this made me read it in a more serious and more thoughtful way. Thisp own made me think and more so took me on a journey. Your details were so indescribably amazing that I could visualize all you were saying.
I felt the pain that this narrator was feeling in some strange way. I think that it takes a very talented author to make you feel something you wouldn't feel otherwise. I am so happy that I stumbled across yor poem. And I would love to see more from you!
Stay classy and write on!
-Annaclare
The word choice in this piece is truly exquisite. I love how much thought you put into each and every description. I also love how you use the idea that the cold was too harsh for any warmth to penetrate it. Fantastic writing, look forward to reading more!