Your "Love" For Me
-Esther Winstead
you tell me you love me,
as you hit me and ignore the fact
that i am hurting, with bruises on my back,
bruises on my arms, neck, and face,
sometimes i want to disappear without a trace
you watch me just lie there,
crying, with fear in my eyes
and somehow you ignore my useless cries
i feel your cold, dead touch,
squeezing my arms, telling me to hush,
i wait for you to stop,
already knowing,
that the pain inside of me,
is going to keep growing and growing,
but SOMEHOW, deep inside me,
i want to forgive you, love you,
but you've lost my trust, my love
and most importantly, you've lost me,
...and so has everyone else...
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there
Your poem was quite good. One of my main problems with it though was that it wasn't really very descriptive. I've definitely read a lot worse when it comes to description though! All you need to do is explain why the person is feeling like this? What has caused the emotions? Also, your rhymes seem pretty forced. Remember, a poem doesn't need to rhyme for it to be good! If you can't think of any rhyming words, then you really shouldn't force them out!
These lines sound like a list to me to be honest. I understand that, in a way, it is a list! But you need to be a bit more poetic about it. Instead of saying Bruises on my back, bruises on my arms, neck, and face, you could maybe use another word except for bruises? Use something likeScratches on my arm maybe? You get the idea?
I have to be honest, I don't like how you've used all caps for the word somehow. If you want to emphasize the word, just put it in italics or something! It gives off a much better effect than just using all caps!
Now these were my favourite lines!
Overall, this poem does need a lot of work. I do think that you have potential though. All you need to do is read over what you've written, think about what us reviewers say, and see if you can improve it in any way! Wow... I rhymed then.
Good luck and keep writing!
xoxo Skins
Quite an emotional piece you've got here, it reminded me of that slow, merciless style of monologue in Robert Browning's poem 'My Last Duchess' Though the verse seems to be cast in a more 'beat poet' style.
Though a good tip to follow is to try reviewing other people's work so that they, ahem, know you exist and they'll come back to review your stuff.
Hope you enjoy yourself at YWS,
Dave
hey guys ! im new to this whole, writing thing, soo add coments and give me tips please, send me suggestions on what you would like me to write about ? maybe (:
well thanks for reading it