My aunt is an interesting woman. She is hilarious, feisty and also level-headed. She was the diva of her town,known for her sharp wit and devil-may-care attitude,topped up with hints of sarcasm. There you go! the perfect recipe for a terrific woman! I was her younger sister’s first born, naturally she took an instant liking towards me. I became the apple of her eyes (continue to be till this day !). As a young boy of six years I had developed this habit of listening to stories narrated by her every night. Those were the golden days when we had longer summer holidays, which I would spend it with her in my state of origin, Orissa. She lived in Cuttack along with my uncle and her two daughters .
One day, I was bored of simple tales of kings and queens and asked her to come up with something unique. She knew without some new story I was not going to sleep, which in return would give her a sleepless night. My aunty being the tigress that she was (still is!), relished challenges and she was up to the task in no time. She warned me before-hand that this story might lead to me having crazy nightmares, but the six year old me did not care about any repercussions! Without any further ado, she began the story. The incident happened years ago when my aunt was a little girl. During those days it was a famous tale, which had covered the length and breadth of her town,just like urban legends of today.
One full moon night, four friends decided to go see a late night show of “Sholay” which had released recently. After the show, the young group was on its way back home. It was getting very e late and they were really tired and decided to take a cab back home. They looked for a while, to no avail. A cold breeze was blowing that night, cold enough to run shivers down anyone’s spine. The full moon enhanced the eeriness of the night, but nothing could scare our motley group of men. Although there was no soul in sight, they searched optimistically for a cab to ferry their tired bodies. They were startled by a strange sight, nearby there was a solitary streetlight and there was a person sobbing painfully. The face of that person was not visible so the group went closer to inquired about the strange melancholy that had engulfed their fellow human.
No sooner had they approached with an empathetic enquiry “what’s the matter?” the person revealed their face. It was no ordinary sight, the person had the face of a goat and hands had hooves instead of fingers. The boys were petrified by this sight and made a run for their lives. They expected the abominable creature to give them a chase, but strangely enough it did not and when they turned back to check,the devil had vanished into thin air. Our group of merry men were visibly scared and desperately wanted to get home to their cosy beds and blankets. Suddenly out of nowhere a cab appeared and the boys got in, breathing a sigh of relief from their horrific experience.They got chatting with the driver and started narrating their ordeal. As they reached the part about odd hands of the man crying on the street, the driver interjected “what do you mean hooves instead of fingers? Do you mean to imply something like this?” and proceeded to stop the automobile and show his hands to the group.
You won’t believe what happens next”, said my aunt. I replied excitedly “please do not play games with me and finish the story, I can’t wait any longer”. She took pity on me and decided not to play any games and continued “alright darling, I spare you this time”. I was eagerly waiting for the climax. Drawing in a slow breath, taking the suspense to a crescendo she proceeded to show her hands to me.They were by no means any ordinary hands. Her hands had no fingers, but hooves.I wanted to scream on the top of my lungs but simply could not find my voice as I froze to the very spot. “unholy devil, please do not kill me”, I managed with a whimper. She erupted with a demonic laughter and screamed loudly,” I am here to take your soul”. I saw the rage in her bloodshot eyes, which gave a terrifying appearance to her pretty face.
The next thing I remember is lying on my aunt’s lap, her soft hands caressing my face and assuring me that I had just experienced a terrible nightmare.I was even more petrified and tried to free myself from her grasp, expecting her to turn into her devilish avatar the next second. She was surprised by this strange behavior and wanted to know the reason behind it. I proceeded to narrate the entire nightmare to her and she burst out laughing, not the evil one ,rather her regular sweet . "Ohh my poor baby" she consoled me and reprimanded me about my constant demand for horror stories, which were the reason for my constant nightmares.
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Thanks for spending your precious time reading my little piece. I hope you enjoyed it. If you love my writing, feel free to follow my account to be updated with my latest works. I am really happy and count myself lucky to be able to share my soul with you. Goodbye for now but I expect you on my next post!
Until then stay safe and keep smiling!
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Hey! Here to review!
I love a weird story so I was drawn to your piece haha.
I think the structuring of the piece needs to be altered a little. I'm not sure if part of it is due to it being copied and pasted onto this site, as I know it tends to shift text around a bit. But it needs to be set out clearer that this is a story within a story. The parts where the aunt is telling the story and the parts where she is in the bedroom need more clarification. It mostly gets a bit jumbled at 'You won't believe what happens next'.
I liked the little links peppered throughout - like describing the aunt as having a 'devil-may-care' attitude. And how the bracketed voice is always stating that she still is a lovely person! It gave me the impression from the start that the narrator was trying to appease her somehow and for some reason.
I found it odd that the people in the story were described as a 'motley group of men' when I thought the story was about the aunt - but I'm guessing the aunt was the driver? And if that is the case then that adds a whole other element to the story because that means the aunt/driver knew what had happened to these men before they got into her cab.
Generally, I'm not a fan of 'and it was all a dream!' endings because I think they are cliche and overdone. I think its fine if you want this story to go that was but I think the ending would be more impacting if there was more ambiguity. Maybe mention that the narrator is now wary of the aunt and doesn't trust her? Maybe mention that their relationship isn't as close as it used to be since this? Or that they get someone else to read them bedtime stories?
Hope this helps!
Hey mercurialbuddha! I am here for a quick review for your short story.
This was a very interesting piece and I was quite intrigued with the way you presented the story. The way the mystery finally unveiled itself was really great. The fact that you mentioned Sholay I thought at first they might hallucinate to see any of the characters from the movie or something like that, pardon my silly imagination :p
I guess you did great in creating a nice and scary ambiance to deliver the story. Like the previous reviewer already mentioned, I could find places where you missed spaces after punctuations and there was some lack of capitalisation as well. I will just point out a few of them and some other typos below.
You missed the opening quotes here.
Capitalise the first letter here.
The period after soul should be under the quotes, not outside.
Other than these there were more places where you missed to capitalise the first word of a dialogue within the quotes.
Overall I enjoyed your piece and liked your writing skills.
Great work!
Keep writing
Hello, mercurialbuddha, I'm Lee, and here today to review your short story!
It's nice, and rather well written. Was this in any way inspired by Ruskin Bond's A Face in the Dark? It has a few similarities.
The simple narrative and storyline made for a pleasant read.
There are just a few things I'd like to point out. Note that you can take whatever you find helpful and disregard the rest.
After any punctuation, there needs to be a space. So after commas, fullstops, exclamation marks, etc. Throughout the story, these spaces are missing.
Replace the fullstop here with a comma, seeing as how you're actually fragmenting a sentence here.
You could rewrite this as "which I would spend with..."
think this paragraph has to begin with a mention of when exactly this happened. The infinitive thought you used earlier can't apply here, so perhaps a "One day" would make an apt opening to the incident.
And the "will" has to be "would".
Nice diction and description, but this can all be combined into one paragraph.
Quotes should always begin with a capital letter in the first word. Moreover, they usually have to begin on a fresh line.
Okay, that's all. Overall it was good, although the suspense factor felt missing, and it wasn't particularly scary.
Keep writing. Good luck!
- Lee
I made the necessary grammatical changes and arranged the piece in a professional manner. I am really bad at editing and proofreading, your critique made me realise that I need to show more patience with the proofreading part. I am very impatient in terms of sharing my work as soon as it's done, which makes me overlook the messed up punctuations and tenses. Thanks for the important learning experience, much appreciated!
I'm really glad you found this useful! Let me know if you want me to review any other things you've written.
Yes, I would love that ! In fact let's make a deal, you can review all my work from now onwards. I have a poem which I posted before this one, you can review that first. Stay tuned for upcomig posts. Cheers have a good day. One more thing before I go, love that Kaneki ken avatar on your profile, big Tokyo ghoul fan myself.
Thanks! It was the second anime I watched, and my favourite manga!