That was good but as u know it needs a bit of work on it.
Keep writing!
I just started scribbling this out randomly whilst listening to Ben folds... very strange. Comments please !
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Lament beyond lamentations of what they read
In the motel,
On the road where no one goes but the stars looking for
Some hope.
Search for hope in the stars,
But how will they hold the answers?
Through the ceiling, she thought she could see water falling from heaven.
I told her poetically,
They never did have the draining system checked
System Check.
Melting when I talk like that
When I put my poets tongue on and make like
Every last pen holds inspiration
When every last inspiration holds a pen
So tightly in its grasp, it is impossible to catch hold of,
Maybe catch sight.
But when every last shred of reality holds something,
What does not?
Nothing-
The mouth keeps talking on.
I don’t know what it's saying but that’s the point isn’t it?
Isn’t it Samuel?
And I liked it when I knew that because I realised nothing has to make sense
The leak from the shower upstairs can be
What waters my desire.
That fountain in the courtyard was surely enough to convince any respecting
Young man
He was no longer young.
The dinge would turn the sun grey
If only the sun would pay a visit.
Beyond their cries
A howl sounds and that pigeon whispers to the dove next door.
It whispers and the dove,
The dove does shout,
Angry,
Mad,
Violent
I guess it forgot its persona.
First of all, in the first couple of stanzas, I was thrown off by the first lines in each one. They were waaaaaay too long, and need to be separated in to two separate lines. I was also thrown off by the construction of the poem, at least until I realized that's what it was supposed to be (the repetition of lines in different ways at least). It's a very unique approach and I like it, but I really think you need to heavily work on this poem. My tips are to not be redundant, don't have too long of lines, and try to convey some emotion into this. It just didn't grab me as overly passionate, or sad, or happy, or even anything.
Don't get me wrong-I liked the poem. I just think it needs a lot of work, and I think with using the tips I gave you, plus that others did, it can improve greatly. Keep working!
Woo!! Ben Folds!
(Swear I'm not stalking you)
And btw, I can imagine this sung over weird Cohen/Dylan style simple chords and random picking.
Like it. But too tried to crit constructively.
My guess is you were listneing to Ben's Reinhold Messner album. Or his first solo one.
This poem has very good language, and creative construction. It could use some compression. Editing out the bits that you don't need is difficult to do, especially when you have recently written it. But let's look.
"The mouth keeps talking on and on and on and on and on
I don’t know what it's saying but that’s the point isn’t it?
Isn’t it Samuel?"
This whole section disjoints the already disjointed flow, but not in a good way. It sounds like something made up on the spot. The device of repeating "on" comes off as trite rather than effective.
There aren't too many sections like this, but look out for them. Editing them will make this poem change from a good one to a great one.
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