Prologue
An inconceivable stretch of time was trapped inside two figures, barriers, two human beings.
The boy imagined, his eyes trailing them as the two forms that resembled boys, or perhaps men, began to point at something that he couldn’t see. The bigger figure flared with a bright red light, which licked at the air threateningly like the tongue of a live serpent. As if the inside of him was full of lava, a wave of heat coiled and uncoiled. There was a white flare, which soon faded into a red coverage of blinding light.
Water seemed to have built the smaller form, who was only slightly shorter. It was something that only someone who had studied him and the red man for a long time would notice. Waves after waves of turquoise and blue crashed into the humanoid barrier which contained the power of the limitless seas. Unlike the red man, the blue figure did not emit any light. Instead, it as if he were sending out silent, suppressed cries of seabirds, dolphins, and the sound of waves roaring in white fury, crashing against black rocks.
The red man’s mouth opened. He let out a gigantic roar of pain, clutching his head. It seemed as if he was not in any physical pain, but a mental one. The blue man flinched forward, then retracted his outstretched hands. They had begun to hiss and steam once they got into a certain range of heat, which had the red man as a center point.
The observing boy couldn’t hear anything, yet he imagined that he could hear a question being shouted. Why? Why? Why? Closing his eyes with effort, the boy slouched, the silent cry of anguish echoing in his head. Why?
Reaching out with a visible, malevolent purpose, the red man clutched the other figure’s shoulders tightly. The coiling and roaring crimson lava acted like a whip, snapping toward where the red touched blue.
Blue waves slowed down, and a sickly shade of rotting green replaced them instead. The relentless motions dulled. The blue man’s hands shook as he reached up in an attempt to get the red man off of his shoulders. A silent howl resonated inside him.
Three silver tracks made their way down from where the blue man’s eyes would have been, if he had any. The tears glinted against the murky green that had finished spreading.
The sea, the ghost of the blue waters whispered, bring me.
The silver tears began to smoke and turn a sickening shade of black and ashen gray. The blue man’s head slowly drooped unnaturally to fall against his own chest. A last drop of silver joined its brethren.
Bringing one hand up to clench the place above his heart, the boy sobbed for the two men. He opened his mouth, yet no sound could come out. He shook his head, feeling what the blue man had felt. A crushing longing of the sea, water and waves crashed into him heavily.
The boy could no longer see the blue and red man. He didn’t look up in time to get a glimpse of how the light around the red man faded slowly into a silent memory of shock and horror. The boy failed to observe the blue man’s last silver tear hardening into a drop of black.
Despite it, the boy’s lips moved. He clawed at his chest in a futile attempt to tear out what was bringing him a terrible time of suffer.
The sea, he managed to mouth to the terrifying silence, bring me, the sea.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi Mephis!
Seeing as I loved what I read of your previous novel I knew that I would want to read the prologue you posted. And I will say this much: the prologue was befitting as the beginning of a story and intrigued me enough to want to read the next chapter. I think you did an amazing job with the descriptions here, and if anything my mind didn't want in the way of imagery. I could vividly picture the two men, one seemingly of fire and another of water. And the wanting to go to the sea. There wasn't much to comment on here, but it was a good start. Also, don't mind my review being short. There isn't too much to say.
Although the descriptions were beautiful, at the end of this chapter I ultimately felt confused. I didn't really even understand how many people we were dealing with here. Three or two? There were the men, but was one of them the boy or was the boy a separate and different person. And even though this did sound fantasy cool, I couldn't understand the reasoning to anything that was happening. It was like dreaming something that didn't quite add up. I am not sure if that was the message you wanted to bring across or if I was mean to feel something different. But that is for you to think about if you didn't mean it to mean what I perceived it to be. Maybe being more specific when it comes to certain things or giving us a slight amount of meaning to anchor us as readers here might help.
This sentence didn't make too much sense? You left the first portion of it unanswered. The boy imagined what exactly? Was he imaging the two forms or was he imagining something else? That part threw me quite a lot and I think this was something that added to my confusion at the end. But, putting it aside, it was the only nictpick I could find with this whole piece. So kudos to you on that part.
As it comes to character I didn't really understand the first line of the prologue or how it related to everything else. I think it was meant to stress the importance of the two men. But I couldn't help wondering how time could stretch between people and what the man was crying out in pain for? >< Maybe these are things you could answer?
I shall leave this at that because I don't want to wicker on about not understanding things. I am sure the next chapter will clarify some of my questions. Post on my wall or something whenever you have another chapter up!
Deanie x
Hey! It's been a long time!
I'll try harder to make things clearer, recently that seems to be the biggest issue in my writing pieces.
I am pretty embarrassed to say that this is something really underdeveloped. The ideas are all scrambled up... Sorry
Thank you! Mephis
I am sure you will get there
Keep trying at it.
Great descriptions, readers are sure to get caught up in the scenery and scenarios. But I have to agree though you have some awesome writing skills there is a general lack of clarity for what is really happening and I'm sure it's something very interesting.

I suggest perhaps some more details in the actions taking place and why they are taking place or maybe a bit of rephrasing (just a tweak here and there)
Other than that I have nothing left to point out since you appear to be a master of word choice and imagery!
happy review day and stay awesome (that and keep up the good work)
-Carmenblue
woah... amazing description... the style gave a very specific emotion I can't even describe, and it accents what you are trying to say in an awesome way. outstanding job on that.

I agree with valdez, it's kind of hard to understand what's going on. just a little more explaining would help.
can't wait to see what happens next... i have a feeling this is going to be very cool
keep writing, and happy review day!
-rissymay
Hi valdez here for a quick review
The decription in the story was suberb and it gave me a very beautiful image in my head but I didnt really understand what was going on in the story I didnt know what the elemental boys were gods maybe? I dont know but it was confusing as you also did not know their purposes so for all i know the boy was imaging the whole scenario or it might have been real But we didnt have enough information to even begin scyphoning what the story was about however as i said before this was one of the most vivid pieces of works I have read yet due to all the lovely and intense description you gave so keep up the good work more info and happy writing