Young Writers Society

Hello!! I sincerely apologize for taking so long to get to this. September has been crazy.
But I'm here now so let's get going!

I was pretty confused as I read this and you mentioned in your request that people don't seem to know what it's really about. I have a couple of guesses as to why that might be the case based on why I was confused.

1. There isn't much context here. Dialogue happens and things happen and there are characters, but I don't understand anything. I don't know who they are, where they are, what they want, what they're doing, etc. So when they say things and when things happen I have no context in my head of who these people are, why I should care about them, and why these things are happening.

2. The plot isn't very clear to me. Things happen, but I'm not sure how they're all connected and there isn't a lot of development of each thing.

Let's talk about those things (and maybe more) in a little more depth

The same day that Teal dies he wants to know where he came from, why he has no one but Gale to keep company.

I'm generally a big fan of present tense (I write in it a lot), but to me, I think past tense would work better in this story. Maybe it's just how things are worded, but I think the present sounds weird. Try a chapter or two in third and see what you think!
(And I know it seems daunting to change the tense of your story. I've had to do that before, and it's worth it if it ends up making the story better.)
I think this is an interesting opening - I want to know who Teal is and why he died and what Gale has to do with it and if this story is going to be told from the afterlife.

In response, Gale silently turns to take him to the lake.

This is a general pet-peeve of mine, but I don't like sentences that start with prepositions ("in response,"). I think you have a stronger sentence without it. You achieve the same effect without taking away from the subject and verb.
"the lake" - what lake? Where are we? What does it look like? Paint me a picture (think five senses) of where we are and what's going on.

“I pulled you out of here,” Gale tells Teal, and receives a long, lost gaze in return.

Out of where?
There are some phrasing things I could talk about, but I think I'm going to stick with bigger picture things. If you want me to come back through and do more nit-picky comments about sentence level things I can do that! I'm going to focus on how you can get your plot/world/characters across more

“I don’t think I could have breathed in there.”

In where? Where are we? What does it look like? Where did he come from? Why did Gale pull him out? How did Gale know he was there? Was it difficult to pull him out? Is Teal happy he was pulled out? And pulled out of what?

“I was alone,” he tells Teal slowly as if afraid. “Then I happened across this lake. I saw my reflection and I reached in to pull you out.”

Did they have a relationship prior to this encounter?

“You can’t,” he whispers, and Teal turns to stare.

You can't what? They haven't been talking these last few moments so I have no idea what he's referring to.

“It’ll be okay.”

What will be okay? I don't know what they're talking about or referencing here. Remember your reader only knows as much as you tell them. As much as we'd love to, we can't read your mind and we can't read your character's minds. It can be easy to forget that as a writer because we often know much more about our characters and what's going on than makes the page

In Teal’s eyes, the breaks mend as quickly as they had formed and the promise is worth it.

What breaks? And what promise? I don't remember any sort of promise.

Gale stands to wade knee-deep into the water and for hours on end he reaches in, grabs the shimmering reflections of his world and yanks them out.

I'm not sure if this is poetic or literal. Standing in water for hours is a really long time... And this grabbing and yanking things out - is that literal (I'd love to know more and have lots more description about it if that's the case!) or is that just pretty language. I think in either case I want more description. Paint me a picture with the five senses. And don't forget about Teal! What's he doing while Gale is standing there in the water for an hour?

At the end Teal is giddily facing a dozen men and women of various coloring, and Gale collapses against the muddy ground to watch them all flit away.

Huh? Where did this come from and how did this happen? Is this related to the yanking out reflections of Gale's world? I'd like more description and more transition of exactly how his happened and what the reactions are to it. How does Teal feel? What is he thinking? Same with Gale.

Some time later Gale finds Teal’s body impaled on a stick, turning black and brittle over something orange and white and red —fire— that he knows he created somewhen but never bothered to look upon.

Huh? How did we get here? Teal was surrounded by men and women and in the next breath he's dead? How did we get here? I feel like I'm missing a few steps. I need a lot more description to show me how we got to this point. Is this the same day? I thought Teal already died... Is this what Gale saw when he pulled him out of the water? I'm really confused about what happened here.

Gasping pure heat into his lungs, he sprints into the trees, crashing through the underbrush and screaming at the winds to put the branches out of his way.

There's a forest? This goes back to what I said at the beginning about setting the stage and showing us where we are (describe with the five senses and paint a picture).

Parts fall down behind him, marking a trail of ashes.

Parts? Tree parts? Human parts? What kind of parts are we talking here?

He splashes into the lake and sinks down like a rock with Teal, closing his eyes.

And now we're back at the lake? I thought we were by the lake all along and then he ran into a forest. He doubled around and went back into the lake? I'm having a hard time picturing how all of this is set up and what this area looks like.

It is four nights and three days until Gale claws his way out of the water, lets out a wailing gust of wind from his being and collapses into Teal’s dissolving body.

Huh? Again, I'm not sure how we got to this point. If you want significant time to go by (like no longer the same day) I think it's easiest and clearest to start a new scene or chapter. That way there's no confusing about when we are and it allows you to develop each section of time fully and completely.

When he opens his eyes a second later to meet Teal’s that are seeing a stranger, Gale chuckles with twisted lips. He gently brings Teal to his feet and whispers for the earth to take them to his mountains and never show the way back.

Very confused again. So did Teal not actually die even though he was burned? And Teal looking into Gale's eyes sees a stranger? Why? I thought Teal spoke to Gale and that Gale helped Teal so Teal should know who he is? I'm confused about the significance of the mountains and why they need to leave in the first place.

I'm going to stop here and give some general pointers:

1. Describe more. Right now, this is mostly telling (meaning you're telling your reader what happened rather than showing your reader what happened). Telling is really good sometimes, but generally, you want to show much more than you tell. Writing that shows is much more exciting and engaging to read. There are a lot of great articles around YWS about showing vs telling (check out the resources forum). A very basic way to think about how to show, is simply describe what happens and paint us a picture of everything (important) that happens. Think about what you want the main focus of the scene to be and what absolutely has to happen in order for that focus to work and make sense. So all of those parts are what you should be focusing on in each chapter or scene. Describe what happens in detail (think about the five senses).

2. In terms of characters, describing will help that as well. I don't know anything about them. There are lots of great articles around YWS on character development as well. Very simply, readers get to know your characters by seeing how they react in different situations, seeing how they react/interact with other characters, and by hearing their inner dialogue or thoughts. Think about those things when you write your characters. Think about what each of their personalities are and how you can show that throughout the writing. Think about faces, tone, mannerisms, word choices, that type of stuff to really set them apart from one another and make them feel like real people.

I know it's much easier said than done but the more you practice the easier it will become and the more natural it will feel

Keep writing because I think you have an interesting idea here. I have lots of questions and I'm looking forward to seeing if they're answered at all in the next part! I'll move over there tomorrow

Let me know if you have any questions, need me to elaborate on anything, or if anything I said was confusing!!

Good afternoon, I'm here to review.

Beaming slightly in return, Gale turns to Teal only to see him gazing at the lake with darkening eyes.

This is just personal preference, but "beaming slightly" seems like a contradiction to me. "Beaming" is typically a very grandiose facial expression and saying he's doing it only slightly threw me off. Just a note.

Gale ignores them all, snapping the stick that Teal’s skin is smudged upon in half when it refuses to budge.

Maybe consider rephrasing this to something like: "Gale ignores them all, snapping in half the stick which Teal’s skin is smudged upon when it refuses to budge." This is only a suggestion.



This story reminds me of an old anthology of science fiction short stories by Fredric Brown (I think that was his name). This story has that ponderous, twisting, and slightly disturbing rhythm to it. In short, I liked it.

Your wording is beautiful in its simplicity. There aren't huge chunks of flowery prose to get stuck in, but you still convey this beautiful imagery. So well done on that.

I can't decide whether or not I agree with tigeraye on Teal's revival. I agree that it's rushed, but at the same time it somehow feels like it fits with the flow of the story. To me it shows that Gale is learning how to use his power, like a kid learning how to tie his shoes. Maybe if you just took us a little deeper into his realization that it didn't take as long this time?

Overall I like this, and I'm heading off to read the rest. Keep up the good work!

“I pulled you out of here,” Gale tells Teal, and receives a long, lost gaze in return.

“I don’t think I could have breathed in there.”

This dialogue is simple, but powerful. Maybe it tells me Gale has a bit of arrogance to him, or is just trying to buy Teal's loyalty.

“I was alone,” he tells Teal slowly as if afraid. “Then I happened across this lake. I saw my reflection and I reached in to pull you out.”

Oh, so maybe he's not so arrogant, he created Teal because he's lonely. That makes him a little bit more sympathetic.

Some time later Gale finds Teal’s body impaled on a stick, turning black and brittle over something orange and white and red —fire— that he knows he created somewhen but never bothered to look upon.

Wow, that description of a burnt body is really vivid and incredible. You can just feel the heat and smell the smoke here. Good job, but yeah, somewhen isn't a word ._. I'd fix that because it's pretty distracting.

There's a certain blunt un-forgiveness that I really love. The way you just built up a character, only to brutally kill him in a split second ("impaled body on a stick" was brilliantly swift.), then the almost cruel description afterwards is just amazing writing.

This time it takes Gale two days less to piece Teal together, yet the snow still remains red.

Now I'm not so sure on that part. Technically, Gale is a "god" and can just revive Teal like that, but after Teal's cruel murder, it almost seems a bit anti-climatically to bring him back that quickly. Almost like you bring up this crazy gruesome murder of Teal, only to be like "Yeah, Gale brought him back in two days." The implications would make a lot more sense to me if he had to build someone else instead, maybe months later, or if he felt too guilty to revive Teal, or if for some odd reason, he just couldn't. Maybe it's just personal preference to me, but I'm not a fan of fake of deaths in stories. I think death of a character is a strong tool that should only be used at certain times for the most powerful emotions in a reader that can be drawn.

Anyway, that's my only complaint, because as far as stylistic writing itself, this is really brilliant. The two characters are interesting, especially the god with more human qualities in Gale, who is powerful but feels loneliness and is capable of making mistakes. The embodiment of emotional display and description is just amazing. Even though I would've gone a different route than the insta-revival (which I always dislike), I'm curious to see where it goes, so I'll be reading the next parts of this. Great work all together.

Hello, steampowered here for a review!

OK, well my first impressions of this were that it was certainly… interesting. It raises a lot of questions (such as who are the people in the water, and where do Gail’s powers come from, and why is he alone?) and makes me want to read on, so yay! Anyway, onto the reviewing:

Once again I find myself a little confused by your writing style, but having taken a look at your sequel I was able to understand most of what was going on there. (Maybe it only happens with your first chapters or something, I’m not sure. But sometimes your phrasing makes it difficult for me to follow the story) For example:

In Teal’s eyes, the breaks mend as quickly as they had formed and the promise is worth it.

Some time later Gail finds Teal’s body impaled on a stick, turning black and brittle over something orange and white and red —fire— that he knows he created somewhen but never bothered to look upon.

When he opens his eyes a second later to meet Teal’s that are seeing a stranger, Gail chuckles with twisted lips. He gently brings Teal to his feet and whispers for the earth to take them to his mountains and never show the way back.

I have to say I got really confused over these bits here. You might need to explain in more detail how Gail finds Teal’s body when Teal is next to him… I’m sorry, I might be missing the obvious here, but I don’t really understand. Also, did you mean “sometime” rather than “somewhen”?

Anyway, aside from that:

You seem to have some good ideas here. Another world, beyond the lake. Some kind of mirror world? Interesting idea, and I’d like to see where you take this.

The same day that Teal dies he wants to know where he came from, why he has no one but Gail to keep company.

Excellent first line. However, I might make one point about this. I thought Gail was a girl since it’s usually a girl’s name. Unless you’re intentionally trying to mislead the reader, I’d change the spelling to Gale, like the storm, rather than Gail short for Abigail.

Like I said before, in the second half of Part 1 (People say goodbye in their own special ways) I was confused. Is Teal dead, or not? Your reader might be so confused by this point they give up, so more clues might be needed here. However, moving on:

This time it takes Gail two days less to piece Teal together, yet the snow still remains red. Gail goes back only once to raze the ground and turn it downside-up, then hides from Teal’s sight for a day.

OK, now I understand that Gail is able to put Teal back together. Does this mean bringing Teal back from the dead? Is Gail some kind of necromancer, or is Teal some kind of creation of Gail’s?

There are bits and pieces of Teal splattered across the snow, staining the frozen ground crimson. Slowly squeezing his eyes shut, Gail manages to stumble to where Teal fell from the cliff above and shattered his head on a rock.

Whoa, he’s so accident-prone. Or was Teal’s “demise” intentional? Just wondering.

Overall, great ideas, interesting characters, possibly a little work needed on the delivery so it’s easier to understand first time around.

Keep writing!