Karlostic Charm

by melvinbanggollay
  • November 10, 2009
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

KARLOSTIC CHARM
Melvin Banggollay

Kind hearted young man of action
Imbued with a dynamic vision
To be crowned with a profession
Armed with prudent mission.

Accountable classmate, indeed
As he never hesitate to lead
To share in any school endeavor
Even he got no favor to savor.

Respectful and never decline
To show gentle smiles so fine
As he never hesitate to share
To his family, his love and care.

Loving son as he always declare
Passionate charm and care
To all his brothers and sisters
to his parent’s including others.

Over fed as his beauty speaks
A body eating beef in stick
Yet his body is strong and fine
That can throw you out of line.

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anima9
Review
anima9 wrote a review · Thu Nov 12, 2009 4:01 pm

this

A body eating beef in stick
and this
To show gentle smiles so fine
seemed forced.

Respectful and never decline
To show gentle smiles so fine
As he never hesitate to share
To his family, his love and care.


This one makes little sense. One line talks about him smiling voluntarily, then it talks about sharing his love and care to his family. is it like indicating that the two pairs of lines are similar like this:

never decline To show gentle smiles so fine = never hesitate to share his love and care.
?

to his parent’s including others.
remove apostrophe.


Yet his body is strong and fine
That can throw you out of line.
put a comma after "fine". Replace "that" with "which".

and i think replacing "out of line" with "over the line" sounds better :)



“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas