Published August 30, 2007
and she says she's okay
really, she's alright-
and image of a broken star
hangs above her head, a halo;
self-pity is no longer a fight
because there is no fight without a foe.
but if you need me, i'll be your faithful
and if you want me, just be grateful
you've got me, absolutely
cause i'm your little broken star.
and everything's without speaking
oh, another corner's leaking
neverending misplaced murders
peeking into the light from the first time
and perfectly, the worst words seem to rhyme
shamed is the sun
to come out today
but the moon, unexpectedly,
has its own little way.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
Awesome awesome awesome. Really, a very good poem. Loved rhythm, rhyme, and concept. The only thing that bothered me a little was the lack of capitalization (so I'm a freak). Was the lack of it supposed to mean something, or was it just how you wrote it? I've written both ways, so I know there's an option. All in all, you should be proud of yourself for this piece.
Weird poem.
I have to say I liked it, because it really is a song that lulls you to sleep, and relaxes you. It should be a song, not a poem.
The main problem with this is that you switch topics every two lines, so much so that we don't really understand what you're talking about. It feels like you are going in circles, through a chain of unrelated objects. It sounds good, feels good, looks good--but means nothing.
For example:
How do you connect those three words: "neverending" "misplaced" "murders"? And how does that line fit in the same stanza as "the worst words seem to rhyme"?
Wow, I feel sleepy now
PM me for questions!
Hey. Good poem, though (probably missing something out which is blatantly obvious) I don't see a connection between title and actual poem. Please fill me in (despite the fact everyone else knows!)
Apart from some pretty pictures and words it didn't really work honestly. It flowed well and all but it was just vague and hoenstly just a whole load of pretty sentences strung together.
I think its a good idea for a poem, I just didn't get much of a sense for it. I can't put my finger on it but just something about it was wrong.
Keep working at it because I am sure it could be good.
~Ferris AKA Tara~
melodicatastrophe,
If this were altered, it could be a song. As a song, it might stand just fine.
However, as a poem, it suffers reckless navel-gazing and leaves me wondering, "Who cares?"
Take heart,
Brad
A rather delightful little thing. I enjoyed reading it. A small issue:
Is this meant to be 'an' instead of 'and'? It would seem to work a little better if it were.
There is also a small issue with your second stanza, it seems you move from a second person perspective (she/he) to a first person one (I) then back into second person (oh, if I have these terms wrong just correct me, I do so hate remembering terminology) Anyway, this change seems a little odd, perhaps you could get the same meanings with second person? It shouldnt be too difficult e.g:
oh, if you need her, she'll be faithful
but if you want her just be grateful
since you've got her, absolutely
cause she's a little broken star.
Sorry, hehe *is sheepish* I took a little liberty with rearranging the text a little, in doing so I may have changed the meaning. Still, that was only an example, a suggestion, if you will.
All in all, I really liked the poem in its entirety. I absolutely loved the concept; a little airy fairy and not in the least silly. (just like me ahahaha - I joke - I'm VERY silly)
Well done, and Kudos.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I'm not really sure what to think of this...it was enjoyable to read. I think you have a way with rhythm (I think of song lyrics) and an ability to create some interesting images, but the poem itself seems to suffer. It's vague, disconnected, like a fuzzy picture of something that could have been very beautiful.
That should be "all right" and the hyphen should be an EM-dash.Ask yourself, what exactly are you trying to say? What story are you trying to tell? I get the sense of ambiguity and conflict, which is good, but I'm still trying to figure out what it means. I feel as though the title "the girl who cried wolf" should help me out here, but I've reread it several times and it's still hard. Don't post a reply to explain it; revise the poem.
And now for some minor nitpicky things:
Also, you only really use punctuation in the first stanza. The last three have very little, and it's certainly not enough, almost as though you spent more time on the first stanza and neglected the others.
Keep working on it!
-Colleen
Wow. This is great! I love the feeling, you have great word choice, "shamed is the sun" is awesome!