z

Young Writers Society



Children with Stars in their Veins (Chapter 1.1)

by mellifera


a/n: hey, thanks for checking out Starry Veins! This is the novel I wrote for Round V of LMS, and it's still a first draft! While I don't discourage any feedback, I prefer not to receive feedback on grammar! I'm not polishing this draft up yet, so I'm not as concerned about editing. I am, of course, open to all feedback, but I ask that you keep this in consideration! Thanks <3

[Isadora]

If Isadora hadn’t heard the incanting, she would have walked right past.

She peered into the Guildmaster’s Study. The ceiling stretched upwards as though reaching for the sky, the dark bricks of stone melding together to form a dome shape. To the centre and back was a great desk, made of carved and lacquered golden oak. A gift, from someone Isadora didn’t remember.

Barba facit philo—

“What are you doing?”

Cassius jumped backwards. He caught himself on the cushioned, velvety purple chair that looked more like a throne, but it was a near thing. If it hadn’t been there, he’d have probably fallen back and hit his head into the glass encased bookshelf behind him.

“Nothing!” He scrambled back to the desk and shut the book that had been lying face up. When he spoke, a white mist like exhaling into cold air drifted from his lips. He met her gaze and grinned with all the childish innocence of a twelve-year-old caught doing something they ought not to be doing.

Isadora folded her arms. “Rascal.”

She had never taken to incantations, try as her mother and Margaretta might. But she had taken those first few unsuccessful lessons from Professor Alexios, and she knew Cassius besides.

“You didn’t see anything,” Cassius tried.

“I saw your breath, and your hair was starting to glow,” she said.

Cassius reached up to touch his maple curls as if, by touching it, he would be able to see the glow that had already long since vanished. Or maybe he was trying to prevent his tell from showing.

He hadn’t stopped smiling. It had turned into something that would have been charming if she hadn’t caught him using magic for mischievous purposes. “Well… you can’t prove anything,” Cassius said, shrugging.

“Really?” she asked, crossing the threshold until she was standing on the opposite side of the desk. “What happens if I open this book?” It was one of Margaretta’s philosophy books that Mishal could probably devour.

Cassius looked down. There was a twitch in his expression. “Um.” His smile faded. “I— You interrupted me!”

Which was code for he had no idea.

She weighed the consequences of opening the book to find out whether the spell had worked. Since she had interrupted him, if it was to activate, it would not be as intended. She wasn’t even sure what he had said, she’d never learned the spoken or non-spoken incantation language.

It was completely up in the air, really.

When she reached for the book, Cassius’ hand twitched but he ultimately did not try to stop her. It wouldn’t be malicious, whatever it was, but that didn’t mean it would be fun.

For her anyway.

As she opened the book to the bookmarked page, a puff of purple-hazed smoke sprung from the book. She jerked backwards, as did Cassius, but nothing dangerous jumped out of the pages, and nothing was set on fire. And there were no canaries.

Instead, when the smoke cleared, she found herself looking at a clump of what looked like tawny coloured hair.

She glanced up at Cassius and couldn’t tell if he looked more relieved or disappointed.

“Is that human hair?”

He frowned. “Well, it wasn’t supposed to be in the book.” He picked up the coarse hair and held it up to his face, eyes crinkling at the corners in mirth once more. His eyes glittered in the light of the single lit lantern that stood beside the desk. “How do I look with a beard?”

She did her best not to smile—it would only encourage him—and glanced down at the pages instead. There were sprinklings of a pale dust-like substance. She pressed her fingers against the traces, and the soft, ashen texture clung to her skin.

“You got into the spell dust again.” She brushed the dust off on her skirts. “I thought you weren’t allowed any out of your lessons.”

Cassius put the hair on the desk. “I was supposed to practise infusing spells into it,” he said. “I was practising infusing spells into it.”

Isadora raised an eyebrow. “In Guildmaster Margaretta’s study right after dinnertime?” She picked up the clump of hair. “A spell for a beard?” When he shrugged again, disinterested, she sighed. “You realise if I hadn’t caught you, you would be in so much trouble?”

He rolled his eyes and shut the book, before dancing around the desk and snatching the clump of hair from her. Then he skipped onto the circular mural rug that depicted a long-ago battle that covered the centre of the room. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll be more careful next time.”

As he pranced towards the door and stuffed the hair into his pocket, she huffed. “That’s not the lesson you need to take away from this!”

It would never stop him. Trouble coursed through his veins, but she could put in an effort at least.

He was also definitely not as put out as someone who had just failed a prank should be. Or, rather, as Cassius normally was.

“You can’t use it in any of Mishal’s books either,” she added as he reached for the handle of the door.

Cassius froze. It was only a momentary hesitation, but it gave him away. He turned back towards her, attempting to compose a neutral expression. He was quite bad at it. “I wasn’t—”

“You were.”

“Wasn’t!”

She gave him a pointed look. Cassius scowled. “But Belle,” he tried, as if emphasising her nickname would endear her to him. “It wouldn’t even work on him—”

“You can’t do something else either.”

He rolled his eyes and turned away, opening the door without a care as to who might be in the hallway beyond. “Neither of you are any fun,” he muttered.

She could recall more occasions where Cassius disagreed with such a statement than she had fingers, but she wasn’t about to say anything. It also was no guarantee that Cassius wouldn’t spell something of Mishal’s anyway, but he did listen sometimes.

Sometimes.

Isadora followed him out of the room and, as she had begun to shut the door, the tell-tale clicking of shoes tapping against the wooden floors began to rise in the hall. She pulled away from the door and found the Guildmaster herself approaching. Mishal was walking at her side. His mother, Hanna, beside him. Her own parents were on Margaretta’s other side.

Cassius hovered at her side as they approached. Instinctively, she stepped closer as if to shield him.

It was Margaretta who spotted her first. She didn’t hesitate, though surprise flashed across her features. When Mishal spotted her, he stumbled, though immediately recomposed himself and if she hadn’t been looking at him, she’d never had noticed.

“Isadora,” Margaretta greeted. “Just the person we were looking for.” Margaretta nodded in acknowledgement as she stopped in front of Isadora.

“Guildmaster,” Isadora said warmly, and dipped her chin respectfully. “Lovely to run into you, as always.”

Mishal was ignoring them entirely and had taken to scowling at Cassius. It was deepened by the way the wall sconces cast dark amber shadows over his face. “What are you doing here?”

In return, Cassius stuck out his tongue. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“If you’re getting into trouble, yes!” Mishal was bristling now, and Cassius looked about one comment away from kicking him in the shins. Mishal, of course, proceeded to scoff. “Oh, but I’ve forgotten. You exhale trouble.”

Before Cassius could do something foolish, she grabbed his shoulder and squeezed gently. “You know, I believe Ember was looking for you. She mentioned something about her latest project with Laska.”

If Cassius suspected that she was bluffing, he didn’t show it, happy to accept the lure of seeing his closest confidant. He gave Mishal the stink-eye as he passed, because he couldn’t stand not to have the last word or action in one of their confrontation. Mishal pretended to raise his chin, flare his nostrils, and look haughty. He probably thought he looked more mature.

Generally, he did, and he was. Now was not such a time, nor was any of his confrontations with Cassius.

“Please, we have much to discuss,” Margaretta said, as Cassius disappeared around the corner they had just come from.

He had gone silently, not a single footstep disturbing the creaking spots in the wood.

Margaretta shifted forward and opened the door to her study. If the thought that Isadora and Cassius had been sneaking around inside had crossed her mind, she said nothing.

And it wasn’t as though Isadora couldn’t have explained. She’d dropped a few books off at the library after dinner—though her ulterior motive had, admittedly, been to see Ashael, who had given her a flower he had pressed when it was still warm outside—and was on her way to find her sister. But if her parents were here, it meant Alanna was likely accompanied by someone else.

It would mean she’d have to explain Cassius though, and she didn’t truly want him to get into any trouble.

She followed her parents into the room, her mother gifting her a warm smile and her father pressing a quick kiss to the top of her head.

Margaretta had lit the bronze chandelier and it filled the room with a much more brilliant light than the single lantern had. Isadora tucked back a wispy strand of her dirty blonde hair that had been too short to gather back. The Guildmaster’s Study always seemed too large for any one person to inhabit. It made her feel like a child, barely past her mother’s waist, all over again.

word count:

1,606




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Mon Sep 21, 2020 6:36 am
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rida wrote a review...



Hi! I have not read the prologue, so I felt this a bit confusing, but that’s nothing about your writing, I really like the name...it’s a really interesting topic you chose to write about! I also liked how big sisterly ‘bell’ is, the part about the Cassius trying to grow a beard made me smile,
But I got a bit confused when Mishal asked Cassius what he was doing.
I liked how you wrote this chapter, in a, well professional sort of way,
So, in the end, I love this and will now hunt for the next chapter!
Keep writing!
:)




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Sat Sep 19, 2020 7:20 pm
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Riverlight wrote a review...



Hello again, @mellifera! It's Vilnius, back with a more detailed review.

What I Like
So, immediately, I like the fact that this is a shorter chapter, even if it is split up into two parts. It makes it much easier to read and digest, and that makes it easier to review.

Its humorous that Cassius is trying to magic himself up a beard. It made me smile, as that's not something I'm aware of happening often in literature.

Isadora seems a bit motherly or... big-sisterly here with Cassius. If I remember correctly, she's just a few years older than him?

What I Dislike
At this point in the story, I really don't have a visual for anyone. This early, that's ok, but it's still something to think about right now.

[quote]Isadora followed him out of the room and, as she had begun to shut the door, the tell-tale clicking of shoes tapping against the wooden floors began to rise in the hall. She pulled away from the door and found the Guildmaster herself approaching. Mishal was walking at her side. His mother, Hanna, beside him. Her own parents were on Margaretta’s other side.[/quote
You don't actually describe him leaving first, which feels kind of awkward to me. Some extra small details like that scattered throughout this chapter would enable you to add small stuff without it being a worldbuild dump in the middle of a chapter.

In Summary
I hope these extra details help here, too! Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




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Fri Sep 11, 2020 4:54 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Scribs!

I'm sorry that this took me so absurdly long to get to, but I'm here now! Let's get started...

Mishal pretended to raise his chin, flare his nostrils, and look haughty. He probably thought he looked more mature.


Pretended to??

~ ~ ~

Okay! Don't have a lot of specific comments, but I do have some things I want to say about your characters.

1) There are... too many characters referenced. I was getting things really mixed up with who Ashael is or Alanna or Laska... I have a hard time remembering character names anyway and thought I had missed something?? And couldn't see them in the chapter, but they're still being referenced? I was honestly just v confused about what characters were here.

2) I think a stronger voice overall would be good, especially if you don't nix the other character-references I mentioned above. I need more descriptions for them.

Spoiler! :
Image


I honestly thought Cassius was an old man at first, and thought the interactions were strange. Now it seems more like they're both children? But I am having a really hard time visualizing any of them. I need to know how they look, mannerisms, etc. A general age range would be helpful, too. After reading this I'm guessing Cassius is like 11/12 and Isadora/Mishal are like 14/15.


3) I don't know how you wanted the characters to be perceived in this chapter. But so far my initial impressions are:

Cassius -> Endearing. Fave so far.

Isodora -> Snooty. Willing to give her a chance but the gut reaction is not favorable.

Mishal ->
Spoiler! :
Image


Margaretta -> ??? Not sure what her role is??

Overall, I like that you opened with a cute scene with Cassius, but I think it could stand to be edited for clarity to make the number of characters less overwhelming. Your readers at this point don't know your characters so it's a lot to have so many names thrown at us all at once. I think a slower start where we find out more about a few characters would be good.

Excited to read on!

Keep writing and Happy RevMo!

~Shady

Image




mellifera says...


Shady! thank you so much for your review <3

I'll keep the character thing in mind! And you're right-- at this point, I was really unsure of Isadora's voice here, so it definitely need more personalising in the future!

I honestly thought Cassius was an old man at first, and thought the interactions were strange.


I'm...a little unclear what would warrant this confusion? I did mention he's thirteen six paragraphs in?

Margaretta -> ??? Not sure what her role is??


also unsure on this one, since it's mentioned in this chapter and the prologue that she's the Guildmaster? Unless it's more of a broad spectrum/the role of the Guildmaster is unclear as of right now, which is totally understandable!


I will keep everything you said in mind!! again, thank you so much for your review, I really appreciate it <333 (also btw your new avatar is super cool I love it)



Shady says...


Ahhhh I misread that, my bad! I already envisioned him as an old man at that point so I read that as %u201Che was acting like an innocent child%u201D not that he actually WAS a child, if that makes sense? Like how I refer to Jerica as a toddler sometimes lol. That%u2019s my bad.

And I more meant I%u2019m not clear what the GuildMaster means, you did make it clear that she is that. But like. Is that like headmaster of their school? Is she kinda foster mom for all of them? Are they involved in the guild or is it like Aldik is the war lord and Rana knows him but isn%u2019t actually a soldier or really in a position where he%u2019s her boss even tho he%u2019s a lotta peoples bosses, you know?

And thanks! I%u2019m still getting used to not having my Vyper lol but it clashed against the red too much



mellifera says...


was there anything in particular that gave the impression before you figured it out that he was an old man? jerica is a toddler omg cassius is too actually though

oh, gotcha! honestly I could say that I was trying not to make it confusing so earlier on and that it wasn't relative to the conversation they were going to have in these earlier chapters but also I never actually do in detail describe what the Guildmaster does so I'm not sure I can make excuses lol I hadn't even really thought about that though, so thank you for catching it! I will have to,,, actually come up with the specifics of the post xD You can definitely think of it as like, a headmaster of a school, of sorts, except she's the leader of a guild of historians, so anyone in the guild is under her leadership? If that makes sense?



Shady says...


Ahaha gotta love our children xD

I honestly went back and re-read it after you responded, and I see now that it should have been obvious he was a child. I think it was a bit of my own bias at play where I assume wizards are old men, kind of like I tend to envision characters as white if I'm not explicitly told otherwise since I'm white (I'm trying to work on that assumption, but it is a bias I'm aware of in myself).

I also think it was partially, like, it's been a while since I read the prologue so when I read "Guildmaster%u2019s Study" I initially expected it to be the Guildmaster, but then it was apparent that Cassius wasn't that, so I think I just assumed it was a mischievous old man wizard lol. idk. I have no justification for why I thought that xD



mellifera says...


lol that's fine! I just want to make sure it wasn't a problem I had to be aware of, you know? but old man cassius is pretty hilarious though hard to imagine?? he's just such a baby

(it's probably safe to assume that if there's a wizard and/or other magic-user in my works, they are probably not an old man xD)



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Tue Sep 01, 2020 10:50 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey, I'm back for the first chapter! :D I really enjoyed the prologue, so I'm excited to see where this goes.

When he spoke, a white mist like exhaling into cold air drifted from his lips.


I like this description, but I can't figure it out. Is it mist-like or is the white mist like something else? And is the mist exhaling itself? This may just be me, but I thought I'd point it out.

Cassius reached up to touch his maple curls as if, by touching it, he would be able to see the glow that had already long since vanished


I like the phrase "maple curls"!

She wasn’t even sure what he had said, she’d never learned the spoken or non-spoken incantation language.


This is a run-on sentence, which you can fix by replacing the comma with a period or a semicolon or by adding a conjunction after the comma.

And there were no canaries.


This makes me wonder what has happened before xD

He picked up the coarse hair and held it up to his face, eyes crinkling at the corners in mirth once more. His eyes glittered in the light of the single lit lantern that stood beside the desk.


Personally, the "eyes" description feels a bit repetitive as two separate sentences, so I would combine them, but that's just my opinion.

I love Cassius's nature and personality xD It reminds me of my own brother.

Mishal was walking at her side. His mother, Hanna, beside him.


Since the second sentence isn't technically a sentence, I'd combine it with the first.

He gave Mishal the stink-eye as he passed, because he couldn’t stand not to have the last word or action in one of their confrontation.


I love the way you characterize Cassius in this chapter. We get to learn so much about him from his actions and words.

He had gone silently, not a single footstep disturbing the creaking spots in the wood.


Ooh, I love your subtle descriptions. I feel like this sentence doesn't need to be its own paragraph though and could be combined with the previous one. I actually feel that with a lot of your paragraphs, they could be combined instead of giving one or two sentences their own paragraphs.

Isadora tucked back a wispy strand of her dirty blonde hair that had been too short to gather back.


This is really nitpicky, but i think this would be nicer if you could get rid of the repetition of "back"

It made her feel like a child, barely past her mother’s waist, all over again.


I think this is a cute description.

Overall, I enjoyed this chapter quite a bit! A reviewer said that you introduced a ton of characters and it was hard to keep track of them, but I didn't have any trouble with the characters. I think you're really good at descriptions, introducing ideas in a subtle manner, and characterizing. I'm excited to see where this goes, and I hope this helped! :D


Image




mellifera says...


thank you so much for your review!! I'm really glad you're enjoying the characterisation!! they're very fun to write, and I'm happy that it's getting through to readers :)



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Fri Jun 19, 2020 6:58 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Second one for the day,

First Impression: That's a ton of characters to introduce in the first chapter. It was a bit hard to keep track of them all. Nice smooth introduction to the magic though. That was good.

Anyway on with it,

She had never taken to incantations, try as her mother and Margaretta might. But she had taken those first few unsuccessful lessons from Professor Alexios, and she knew Cassius besides.


Okay that part makes no sense.

“I saw your breath, and your hair was starting to glow,” she said.


This is a lovely little introduction to the magic in the story.

She gave him a pointed look. Cassius scowled. “But Belle,” he tried, as if emphasising her nickname would endear her to him. “It wouldn’t even work on him—”

“You can’t do something else either.”

He rolled his eyes and turned away, opening the door without a care as to who might be in the hallway beyond. “Neither of you are any fun,” he muttered.

She could recall more occasions where Cassius disagreed with such a statement than she had fingers, but she wasn’t about to say anything. It also was no guarantee that Cassius wouldn’t spell something of Mishal’s anyway, but he did listen sometimes.

Sometimes.


Okay this and that earlier part was really well written. The dialogue flowed really well.

Mishal was ignoring them entirely and had taken to scowling at Cassius. It was deepened by the way the wall sconces cast dark amber shadows over his face. “What are you doing here?”

In return, Cassius stuck out his tongue. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“If you’re getting into trouble, yes!” Mishal was bristling now, and Cassius looked about one comment away from kicking him in the shins. Mishal, of course, proceeded to scoff. “Oh, but I’ve forgotten. You exhale trouble.”


That's also a nice exchange.

Margaretta shifted forward and opened the door to her study. If the thought that Isadora and Cassius had been sneaking around inside had crossed her mind, she said nothing.


So if she noticed would she bother? Considering it doesn't seem to have been locked or anything it doesn't seem like she cares if someone would look through it.

Margaretta had lit the bronze chandelier and it filled the room with a much more brilliant light than the single lantern had. Isadora tucked back a wispy strand of her dirty blonde hair that had been too short to gather back. The Guildmaster’s Study always seemed too large for any one person to inhabit. It made her feel like a child, barely past her mother’s waist, all over again.


Not the most exciting ending but it paints a nice picture.

Okay that's all for this chapter.

Overall: Haven't spotted anything grammarwise yet. Plot wise we're still in the dark as to who and what this is. The chapter as a whole has some great conversations and I can see some clear personalities and relationships. So far so good.

As always take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Feb 02, 2020 5:11 pm
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yourboysalem wrote a review...



Hey there! I've been wanting to start reading this one - title is very attractive to me - and now I finally have, so here's my feedback:

Overall, I thought this was a good chunk of text to start off your story; I can see there are particularities to this world and magic system that will be unveiled as the plot moves on, and you give away just enough in this first chapter so readers are not overwhelmed with information. I personally find this extremely difficult - I tend to just try to explain how everything works as soon as I mention them for the first time, etc. So, I applaud you for being subtle and making the reader want to know more.

Your characters lacked a little bit of depth as Cassius is supposed to be the rebel/trouble-maker and Isa the sensible one and we didn't learn anything but that about them. I felt their speech could've been slightly more personal and less generic, but I am aware this is only the very beginning and we expect them to develop more as the story progresses. Also, I have a feeling that your world-building skills are strong and even if the characters lack a little in personality, they'll end up very interesting when inserted in this universe.

Definitely continuing my reading and looking forward to learn more about Children with Stars in their Veins! Xxx

PS 'As she opened the book to the bookmarked page, a puff of purple-hazed smoke sprung from the book. She jerked backwards, as did Cassius, but nothing dangerous jumped out of the pages, and nothing was set on fire. And there were no canaries.' THIS BIT HERE HAS GOTTEN ME SO KEEN TO READ ABOUT THEM PLAYING WITH MAGIC *-*




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Wed Oct 02, 2019 6:49 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hiya, going to start doing the rounds of LMS reviews :)

Isadora folded her arms. “Rascal.”

This seems like a slightly odd word for someone I'm assuming is young? Nothing wrong with it exactly, just struck me as strange.

“I saw your breath, and your hair was starting to glow,” she said.

I love this way of world-building. Like, a character slipping little details in in casual speech.

It was completely up in the air, really.

When she reached for the book, Cassius’ hand twitched but he ultimately did not try to stop her. It wouldn’t be malicious, whatever it was, but that didn’t mean it would be fun.

For her anyway.

I think you're maybe doing short impactful sentences slightly too often. It makes them less, yknow, impactful :P

And there were no canaries.

Again I love the dropping of little implications like this. Like, what the heck happened last time with canaries?? O.O

When he shrugged again, disinterested, she sighed.

Fun fact, I think you mean "uninterested". Disinterested means impartial, uninterested means bored.

And it wasn’t as though Isadora couldn’t have explained. She’d dropped a few books off at the library after dinner—though her ulterior motive had, admittedly, been to see Ashael, who had given her a flower he had pressed when it was still warm outside—and was on her way to find her sister. But if her parents were here, it meant Alanna was likely accompanied by someone else.

I didn't really understand what was happening here. I think it was just a few too many names at once for me to follow all the various implications and meanings. Maybe just space it out or choose less elements of it to mention.

Overall:

I think this was a pretty good scene to introduce these characters with. It might be better if Cassius actually had caused a problem, like maybe he got the spell wrong and there was hair spilling out of the book whenever you opened it. Something concrete that he could get in trouble for rather than just the fact that he was messing around. Alternatively, the narration said something about using one of Mishal's books - why is this so bad? Do books' magic deteriorate with use? Do you have to earn the books so that you can earn the spells? Basically just a clearer reason why Cassius would get in big trouble, so that the stakes are clearer, since this does seem a bit like kids being kids.

I like the characters though. One kid being sensible and one getting in a lot of trouble is a solid start, and the suggestion of other characters also helps to make this sound like a realistic place with lots of people and lots of various dynamics between those people.

The fact that the Guildmaster has something to say to Isadora is solid and intriguing, curious to know what that's all about!

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




mellifera says...


hey!! sorry it took so long to actually reply :(

Fun fact, I think you mean "uninterested". Disinterested means impartial, uninterested means bored.


I did actually mean disinterested! though I think something more like "nonchalant" would have probably worked better/made more sense :P

Alternatively, the narration said something about using one of Mishal's books - why is this so bad? Do books' magic deteriorate with use? Do you have to earn the books so that you can earn the spells?


it's really just that Cassius is Brat and Isa is trying to keep him from doing Naughty Things haha I should have probably made that more clear.

thank you so much for your review!! it's really appreciated :D



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Tue Oct 01, 2019 5:48 pm
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rubysbookblog wrote a review...



The opening line is intriguing and very effective as the reader immediately wants to know what Isadora almost missed. I love the characters relationship and how you describe them both, it's really refreshing and I'm glad to understand the dynamics between them in such a short story which lots of young writers can't do.
I was very excited when we got introduced to the use of magic and it made it much more exciting. The transitions you use for the characters has been nicely written and doesn't slow down the pace too much.
The setting is really beautifully described and from reading this story I can see you're brilliant at writing cliffhangers.
Keep up the good work and thanks for a great read!
Ruby xoxo




mellifera says...


thank you for your review!



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Tue Oct 01, 2019 2:48 pm
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Gnomish wrote a review...



Hey!

So first of all, the opening line. I love it! It sets the stage nicely without being to revealing, and, of course, makes you want to read more. So I assume this is at a school for magic, Cassius and Isabelle are friends, and the guildmaster is like the headmaster or something?

When you are describing the people coming down the hall towards Isabelle and Cassius, it's a bit unclear. Is Hanna Migal's mother? Or Cassius'ss. And do you mean Isablelle's parents, or Hanna's? Reading on I think I figured it out, but it was just a bit difficult to see while reading.

I really like the character development you have in this chapter. I feel as though I know Isabelle and Cassius, and understand the dynamics between the characters. I also really lke the setting so far, and want to know more about it!

Waiting for the next chapter,
-Gnomish




mellifera says...


hey!

Hanna is Mishal's mother! The other parents are Isadora's! Sorry that I didn't make that clear.

thank you for your review!!



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JabberHut wrote a review...



Okay, I love the banter between Cassius and Isadora. "You can't do something else either" literally killed me. I love it.

*SQUEE* So these kids must have grown up a bit by now! And Margaretta is still Guildmaster. I'm already skeptical about Margaretta after the prologue, but it's a good skeptical! What are her motives here? What's her plan with these children? Speaking of, what does she want with Isadoraaa.

Cassius getting into trouble all the time. I wonder if the Guildmaster locks her study at all, if perhaps he used magic to unlock it then? Or perhaps Margaretta simply isn't worried about it. She DID seem to not react at all to Cassius and Isadora standing outside her study, so perhaps she simply doesn't care or wasn't worried in the least. VERY INTERESTING. And probably lucky for her that they didn't stumble into anything about their true parents. That could upset basically everything they're doing. o:

Isadora did mention sister, so I wonder if Alanna is the child that Jax had to go back and steal away. If so, I love how this so easily lines up, and I love that we're starting out with the older sister's perspective, not Alanna's. It gives more depths to all the characters, not simply the special case character that Jax and Margaretta had to act on in the prologue.

We also get immediate insight into magic!! I'm so excited. I love how you display magic here, an innocent attempt to use magic with such a silly motive. But it's equally as stunning to watch! I'm also mightily impressed you're using vocal incantations 'cause I'm just terrible with using other languages in writing. Best of luck to you on that front! I'm super excited to see more magic and how it's used in this world.

Mishal is certainly a new character, and I imagine we'll get a better feel for him next segment. He seems rather... scowly. XD He also seems like one of those characters who will be a stickler for rules. But he must be an advanced magic-user if he has his own books as well. I feel like he's going to be all kinds of fun. I look forward to seeing more interaction between him and Cassius!

You are the king of cliffhangers here. I can only speculate that whatever Margaretta is going to say is GOING TO BE OKAY ?? Like we're just getting started ?? And her parents are being super adorably supportive ?? I love that her parents ARE supportive. Considering the strange arrangement that was set up to raise these children, they're incredibly kind and loving. It's all so very peculiar!

This is a fairly good start! It introduces magic immediately (which always gets me excited) as well as Cassius and Isadora. There's plenty of fun banter here to keep me interested, and the intrigue at the end with Margaretta and company looking for Isadora seems incredibly convenient. How eerie would it be if Margaretta knew Isadora was in her study??

Jabber, the One and Only!




mellifera says...


hey!

I wonder if the Guildmaster locks her study at all, if perhaps he used magic to unlock it then?


something I DEFINITELY thought about


re: the magic: yes!! I'm really glad to hear that you're excited about it!! I'm excited to write it! I'm actually really bad at using other languages in writing as well, but I think I found a pretty reliable translator and I'm doing my best to look into sources, so we'll see I suppose haha


thank you for your review!! you're the bestest :D



JabberHut says...


DUDE. It's awesome to get such a good start on the translating! It can obviously be perfected later, so any amount of study for your first draft allows for really solid groundwork.

Super stoked to read more!!




Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve.
— J.K. Rowling