It followed her around breathlessly, merging with her like a shadow—so much so that it had she did not even notice its presence. But nonetheless, it was there.
Others saw it, rays projecting from her heart in every direction, as if she was the center of the sun. But these golden rays have been tainted, dipped black as death itself. The people, they whispered amongst one another, wondering why this angelic soul has become an angel of death. What had she done? Why did she not notice it? Yet no one dared mentioned it, as she drifted through life, not changing her ways.
The darkness continued to grow, tainting her skin, and anything she danced her ghostly fingers across. All turned to chaos, deteriorating like her soul.
“I am you, you are me,” it caressed to her, though she could not hear its words. They ran seamlessly with her thoughts.
Her hair, once healthy and alive, had become matted and dirty, falling out in clumps.
There was only one person left her could save her poor soul, save it from the darkness.
“Look at yourself! Look at what you are doing!” she cried. “This is not who you are!”
The girl looked deep into the eyes of the angelic being, she thought it was like looking in mirror, she was the angelic spirit. “I don’t understand. We are the same.”
Through the eyes of the girl, her skin was still golden, her eyes still vibrant and alive. “I’m not doing anything wrong,” she whispered, her pronunciations lashing venom.
“Your vision is skewed. Let me help you; I want to help you,” she pleaded.
She grabbed her hand, and immediately the golden lights slipped into her skin, turning the bluish tone a brilliant tan. “Do you see it? Why don’t you see it?”
The girl lifted her hand to her eyes; the hue reflected in her eyes, “I see it!” One soft tear escaped her cruel eyes. The water threatened to turn her dull, black eyes back to their original blue color. “Can you help me?” she cried. “I’m so lost.”
The angel rushed to her and grabbed both of her dying hands. “You poor girl, do are not lost; for I have found you,” she whispered. “And I promise to help you.”
And so the angel did. She guided her back into the light—the goodness still somewhere inside her. The warmth brought her soul back to life. Was it fading? Maybe it was? She stopped having the urge to destroy. Chaos did not echo in her mind any longer. She can be saved.
“My girl, you have been resurrected back to life. Don’t you feel it inside you?”
What did the girl feel? Anything?
“Yes, I feel stronger,” she responded smiling, revealing sparklingly white teeth. “I don’t know what had happened to me.”
“Darkness is powerful. It can consume those who’s spirits are weak..”
Was the world becoming a better place? Was the light able to push away the thick smoke of blackness?
“I-“ the girl’s voice stopped working. The mouth stayed frozen agape. It pushed a strand of hair behind her small ear. Immediately, the strand turned grey and fell to the floor.
“You are too slow. Too slow. What do you think acting like her insolent puppet will do! You stupid girl!” It hissed.
“What troubles you?” her angelic voice sang.
The girl’s eyes began creeping back to black, the poison tainting the blue like ink. Her pupils disappeared into the rest of the darkness. Her skin dulled to an ash white.
“My goodness! My girl! Stay with me!” She reached out to take her hand, but the girl grabbed her wrist, sinking in her black rotting nails. The angel cried out in pain. “You can fight it! You’re stronger than this!”
The girl cackled, sinking her nails deeper in the angel; her veins being destroy by the venom of darkness.
“You stupid, idiotic angel. You think I want to fight myself?” She grinned, showing off her decaying teeth. The blackish ink crawled up her arm, up into her neck; her eyes started fading away.
“Please—please spare me!” she pleaded desperately, her voice interrupted by coughs. The girl looked deep into her eyes; what a remorseless being.
“End it now,” it caressed.
The girl smiled widely as she extracted her claws and slashed the angel’s throat. The angelic being widened her eyes in shock, as she fell to her fragile knees, and then lays on the floor, the bluish black blood staining her clothes and pooling around her body.
“You dragged that on too long, “ It snapped. The girl rolled her eyes in exasperation, and wiped her hands on her shirt. Without any other comments, the girl strolled out of the door, smearing blood over the light switch as she turned off the light. Then she carefully closed the door behind her.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,853 Reviews
I really enjoyed this. The title could've been better, but it's difficult to decide sometimes.
I liked how the story progressed and the word choices you used. The story ended darkly, which I found entertaining, especially considering how the story started.
There's really nothing to change except for a few grammatical errors, but overall this is amazing and you're going places as a writer!
I look forward to reading more.
Hey melg23!
Hope my review was helpful.
I absolutely loved the wait you chose your words. They really described the scene, allowing the reader to imagine the situation vividly. However, a tiny tip: You might want to read through your submission before submitting it. You might find some spelling or grammatical errors. And I assure you, there will be many of those spell-freaks reading your work (example = me). So keep an eye out for that!
And also, you might want to give this story a title if you want people to read it. Because, when people search, they might not find "Untitled" a very catchy name.
Overall, I'd give the story a 4 on 5. And that one mark only for the grammatical and spelling errors, and the absence of an attention-grasping title.
Good job! Keep writing!
From an eager reader,
Adygirl.
And interesting progression of events. It starts off seemingly predictable, but you catch the reader by surprise by twisting the ending into something dark instead of happy, which is what one expects when they start the story. You give just the right amount of depth to this demon-darkness; enough to make it seem like more than just the girl's absent thoughts, but you hold back enough to make it frightening by how little we really know.
The only improvements I would recommend would be to double check your spelling and grammar errors. I caught a few on my way through the story, and it can be distracting for your audience.