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The Seductress' Sweet Song

by mel0


Atop a slick, shiny boulder perched an eerily enticing entity staring at the soft waves.

Wonderfully white and brilliantly blue water ruthlessly beat against the barren, rocky beach.

The tired temptress’ turquoise eyes sparkled slightly in the sun.

Motion on the horizon catches the creature’s eye as she smiles slyly.

Ah! a boat, a boat bearing an ominous flag sailing silently across the ever-changing sea.

Rotting wood creaked as the craft swayed side to side softly lulling its passengers into a serene slumber.

Black sails swing silently slowly pulling the vessel past the forgotten island.

Atop a slick, shiny boulder perched an eerily enticing entity stilly staring at the soft waves.

At the helm sleepily stood the only conscious man aboard the massive ship.

Regally rising from her rock, the ravishing beauty parted her perfect lips and began.

The sickly sweet song reached the sailors ears and he dazedly dived in the deep dark ocean, swimming for shore.

Wonderfully white and brilliantly blue water ruthlessly beat against the barren, rocky beach.

“Listen to me sadly sing. Don’t you fear a single thing.” she soothingly sang.

“Your voice is very lovely.” cried the captivated captain carefully crawling to her, almost afraid.

Sighing softly the seductress spoke, “Worry not, for I shall not hurt thee.”

The tired temptress’ turquoise eyes sparkled slightly in the sun.

Gently she gives a graceful kiss, devilishly dragging him under tonight’s tide.

Emotional eyes widen in pained panic, breathing in his final breath.

Content, she calmly climbs to her resting spot to resume wordless watching.

Motion on the horizon catches the creature’s eye as she smiles slyly. 


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172 Reviews


Points: 1302
Reviews: 172

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Sat Nov 09, 2019 6:38 pm
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EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway

First Impression
Okay...I can actually here that song for myself. This was brilliant.

Nitpicks & Grammar
Nothing Here

Style & Flow
Just one thing-you use atop twice-

top a slick, shiny boulder perched an eerily enticing entity staring at the soft waves.

Wonderfully white and brilliantly blue water ruthlessly beat against the barren, rocky beach.

The tired temptress’ turquoise eyes sparkled slightly in the sun.

Motion on the horizon catches the creature’s eye as she smiles slyly.

Ah! a boat, a boat bearing an ominous flag sailing silently across the ever-changing sea.

Rotting wood creaked as the craft swayed side to side softly lulling its passengers into a serene slumber.

Black sails swing silently slowly pulling the vessel past the forgotten island.

Atop a slick, shiny boulder perched an eerily enticing entity stilly staring at the soft waves.

I'd recommend finding a different word besides atop the secant time.
Other then that you did an amazing job!!!!
EverLight Out




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129 Reviews


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Fri Nov 08, 2019 6:59 pm
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KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey mel0, Katja here to review your poem! As with all of my reviews, please feel free to disregard any and all suggestions or comments I make, should you find them to be unhelpful. With that being said, lets get into the review~

Overall thoughts

Wow- So as I was reading I was thinking, mermaids!

But then I soon realized, this lovely temptress is a siren. I love the narrative you put into this poem and I applaud you for using alliteration in your poem. It made reading through very sing-songy in a way, and I loved it!

The poem tells us of a beautiful temptress waiting tiredly for--- well prey I suppose. She sees a boat approaching and lures the captain on board to his death, {due to his being awake, he was able to be lured}.

I LOVED this line that you repeated twice, once when she sees the boat in the beginning and again to end the poem:

Motion on the horizon catches the creature’s eye as she smiles slyly.


Suggestions

“Your voice is very lovely.” cried the captivated captain


After "lovely" put a comma- this is the correct way to tag the dialogue since you continue to say "cried the captivated captain"

here's a great resource on dialogue tags: https://thewritepractice.com/dialogue-tags/

The sickly sweet song reached the sailors ears and he dazedly dived in the deep dark ocean, swimming for shore.
~~~
“Your voice is very lovely.” cried the captivated captain


I would refer to him as the captain right off the bat to avoid confusion. Referring to him as a sailor once and a captain later is a bit confusing. At first I thought you maybe meant the captain had woken up and heard her song too but I think you meant the sailor and the captain are the same~

Apart from that, there are several places that need commas but I decided not to cover them since it would be nitpicking. I recommend proofreading to correct this.

That's all I have for suggestions!

Summary

I LOVE this poem- narrative poetry is by far my favorite and I love mermaids/sirens so I was excited to see both. I think you did a very good job and the alliteration was a very nice touch indeed. :)

I hope my review was helpful,

Keep Writing,

~Katja





Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do.
— Holden Caulfield