Vampires (2)

Spoiler! :
I'm not sure on this chapter. Any advice, as always, will be welcome. I know it's short. Welcome to the world of my chapters. Anything suggestions on what I could add would be great.

Want to read chapter one?

Damion studied the faces of the ocean of people he was walking through and inhaled the odd mixture of pheromones through slightly flared nostrils. Mainly, his attraction towards a human worked off of scent. The fact that his victims had a similar appearance was merely a coincidence.

Despite his need to use the human population as a buffet, Damion found them intriguing and enjoyed being in a large crowd of them, throbbing with feeling and life. He liked studying them, finding what made them tick as he had forgotten what being mortal was. Sometimes, with the rare appetizer of conversation before he feasted, he almost felt sorry that he had to end a life, almost.

He stiffened slightly when his mouth began to water at the suggestion of his favorite pheromone and turned to enter a smoky bar. Lucky for him, it wasn't an obnoxious club with a distracting strobe light and loud music that made thought impossible. There was the strumming of an acoustic guitar accompanying a piano and a throaty voice that fought through the constant buzz of talk.

Glancing at the stage highlighted with a yellow spotlight, he ignored the guitarist and vocalist singing into a microphone and making a rather large show of shaking his head with his eyes closed, lost in the music. The piano player with the bluesy chords and the real soul caught his attention as he weaved through the crowd to get a better view of the blonde specimen. He slipped into a seat near the a wall and watched, ordering a beer when a staff member approached, paying for it appropriately, and watching with the untouched beverage warming in his hands.

The hours passed, and the faces in the audience around him changed, but he remained with the same warm beer, watching the same woman, in the same seat. He didn't move.

When the bartender started wiping down the bar, the guitarist stopped and left the stage quickly grabbing his paycheck on the way out, only talking with the apparent owner of the place for a few minutes. Damion was with the last of the stragglers, looking over his shoulder as the pianist began to play one of Chopin's waltz's. His victim would obviously make him wait a bit longer.

He waited patiently, leaning on the corner so he had good view of the front door and the back exit that emptied out into a threatening alley. He ignored the druggie who was eerily silent in a shadowed abscess and breathed in deep every few moments to make sure she was still in the building. He had probably killed one of her ancestors long ago, and the smell had lingered in his mind.

His eyes narrowed when a shady character entered the ally, slinking along the wall. The woman walked out of the door at the same time, looking behind her, laughing. As the door shut behind her, the man pulled out a knife and grabbed her.

Damion sighed softly, wishing he hadn't had to pass that certain bar that night. He knew enough about the evils of human nature to know this man was not asking for directions. He was supposed to be the worst of a man. He would know.

For a moment he played with the idea of doing nothing, of finding another victim, but he approached the now struggling pair anyway. He rested a calm hand on the man's shoulder and said softly, “Why don't we leave the poor lady alone?.”

A picture flashed in his mind for a moment as the man turned toward him. The woman, already bruised, cowering against the wall, her pleas set in a high pitch of panic were lost in sobs as he approached. He was going to kill her. Why not let the thug subdue her first?

His sense of injustice rebelled against his cold logic, and he stared into the woman's grateful eyes as she lost the crazed look of a trapped animal. He wouldn't have raped her. He would have made her comfortable or surprised her. It would have been over in minutes. “I would leave,” he murmured, finding the large man just tempting enough to serve as a replacement.

As the woman scrambled into the recesses of the alley that hopefully led out into another street, he released his prey with a hungry smile. His animalistic instincts began to overpower his human ones, and his last thought was to wonder if the woman had called the police before everything was drowned out by the need for blood.

. . .

The New Orleans' police responded to the 911 call of a panicked woman and arrived at the specified alley in eight minutes to find a junkie babbling to himself in a dark corner and a shoe.

The didn't know the would-be rapist was dead on a roof across the street three buildings to the left with Damion feasting.

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TarisaGolby01 Review

Hey There!

I love the genre I have to say! No matter what people say about it being over rated it's what you love to write! I write about vampires aswell! You are terrific with words, your structure is easy to understand and your vocab is great! The only suggestion I have is changing the name Damion, there are so many vampire books and stories out there which use the name Damen, Damon, Damien etc. I'm not to sure why. I too love the name though! I've used it and have been critisized! Just a heads up! =) Have fun writing!!! I look forward to reading more!

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deo
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deo wrote a review · Sun May 08, 2011 11:40 pm

First off, ill start with the finish :P I liked it, nice and abrubt and sinisterally thought out :D Ive skipped over your first chapter as I had seen that you had already had quite a few comments. The vampire genre is a very popular and overused genre, however, it is clear that you have your own defined vampire style and I think you have done this well. Your character development is very good, particulary in terms of his concious thoughts, e.g. descriptions of the feelings stimulated by humans and blood etc. The first paragraph of your first chapter sucked me in straight away.One thing that needs to be changed asap is your working title. Its boring - to put it bluntly. Overused and cliched you may want to go for somehthing new and unconventional. Stuck on ideas? Well what is the main drive of your character?, he is still very mysterious but im sure you have lots of narrative and character development tucked away for a rainy day of writing.
He is clearly very intune with blood and other physical senses so why not something to do with that. Mabye something like ummm Pulse, beat? Yeah i dont think those would have helped you much. But good work on the second chapter anyways, a good character and narrative advance with the first kill. Keep up the good work and ill be intrested to read more of what you have. Chur

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Redfang18
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I like it. Needs a little correction work, maybe, but I like it. The more vampires, the better.

Hey there Meg!

Always a pleasure to read your work :D

He slipped into a seat near the a wall and watched, ordering a beer when a staff member approached, paying for it appropriately, and watching with the untouched beverage warming in his hands.
There's a word too many there.

The New Orleans' police responded to the 911 call of a panicked woman and arrived at the specified alley in eight minutes to find a junkie babbling to himself in a dark corner and a shoe.
That last part bothered me. The shoe was in the dark corner also? The man was babbling to the shoe? It just doesn't fit into the sentence that way and I don't know what to suggest to change it since I'm not sure what you meant.

The didn't know the would-be rapist was dead on a roof across the street three buildings to the left with Damion feasting.
They

Well, Meg, as I said, it's always a pleasure to read you. Your details and descriptions are always beautiful and they flow just right.

I haven't read the first chapter yet but this was a great chapter to read. Your Mc had the right blend of predator and narrator. My only issue would be with the why he decides to help out. He wonders whether he should, then he does. Why? I mean, at least say that it would be a waste considering he's had her scent in his nose all night, or something. Would make more sense.

Thanks for the great read!

Tanya :D



Not many will ever really understand you / That doesn't mean you aren't worth understanding
— Quillfeather