The Veil - Chapter 25 Part 3 • Young Writers Society

The Veil - Chapter 25 Part 3

Obi was almost at the door, a hand reaching out behind him to grab the doorknob and make a quick escape. The air between them had too many layers, and he was too tired to sort them out into a distinguishable picture that would tell him something about Conya, about himself, about them.

“I didn’t,” she breathed, looking at her fingers which intertwined together, relaxed, came apart, and came together again. Glancing up shyly at him, she saw the confusion on his face, almost stopped, almost let him go, almost told him to go.

He could see the thoughts playing across her face and, just as his fingers brushed against the cool brass of the knob, he brought his arm to his side. “Didn’t?” he prodded, mind racing back to the last question he’d asked as he realized what she must’ve meant with a start.

Tucking her chin into her collarbone in a frighteningly fragile, vulnerable sort of way, she stared at the floor. “I didn’t love my husband.” She looked at him again, her eyes able to stay on his for a while longer than last time. “I know you did though.” Her breath caught. “Maybe he was a different kind of man when he was a brother or… maybe he changed when you left.” She watched his expression morph from excitement she wouldn’t let herself understand, to incomprehension, to horror, to anger.

She wanted to keep her eyes up, had told herself she would never cringe before a man again. If her body language didn’t exude strength, her words did, “I’m sorry if what I say is beyond your belief, but when I…” Taking a deep breath, she clenched her hands into tight fists. “When I saw him at the bottom of those stairs, I told myself I would never deny what happened. Sometimes my silence feels like I’m breaking that vow already,” she ended in a whisper.

When he said nothing, she cleared her throat and continued, refusing to be intimidated by the heavy silence. “I’m sorry if this makes you angry or if you won’t be able to believe me. I’ll be very sorry if it affects our relationship.” She brushed wisps of hair out of her face.

Watching her hand, Obi focused on her middle finger which was very crooked as if it had been broken and healed unset. He didn’t want to believe her. His brother had been his hero, a god to mirror himself after but never equal. He had been gone a long time though, and deities crumble over time. He listened to her and his mind struggled against her words. Some evil voice in the back of his head whispered suggestions of how to make her shut up. Another lazy voice said truth didn’t matter at this point anyway. His brother was dead. In the forefront, a scene kept playing over and over.

A few weeks after he had responded to the summons of his brother’s memorial, he had found Conya on the stairs, weeping. He had reached out, tried to comfort her, but she had flinched away from his touch. Her face, the panic found there, filled him with a heavy certainty that was thrown on with overwhelming force to everything else that had been heaved onto his shoulders today.

Conya was quiet now, her small face set.

He wanted to embrace her and kiss her. He wanted to murmur by her ear that he loved her. Or at least thought he did.

She couldn’t possibly be looking for another man though, not after the horrors of her first marriage.

They watched each other. He made sure to look into her eyes, hoping she could see the infatuation there. A part of him he wanted to ignore most of the time, hoped she would act on what she saw there and tell him to stay, ask him to right wrongs.

When the silence had gone on too long, and he realized that she would say no more, that maybe she didn’t see what he wanted her so desperately to see, that maybe she didn’t return what she saw there, he sighed and gave her a weary smile. “I’ll see you at breakfast, Conya?”

Her smile was equally tired as she nodded, and they both recognized that they would go on as if the guardsmen had not broken into their home, their brother and husband had not been brought out into the light after months of skirting around him.

Their world was quickly changing, but they could stay the same.

“You’ve had a long day, go sleep,” she said softly. He could see the fine lines fanning around her eyes and mouth. The electric light highlighted the shadows under her eyes, but the purple bags made her eyes a brighter blue. She was beautiful.

Obi left, feeling as if he had much more to say.

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Points: 67548
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Sun Mar 29, 2015 1:21 am

Deanie wrote a review...

Hey Meg!

Happy review day!

I'm going to try and do what I did a while back, and review as many of your chapters as I can today and see where I get. Because as always, I am horribly behind when it comes to your novel >.> Shame on me.

I actually don't have too much to say here. I thought this was a brilliant chapter, and very good in the aspect of us finally knowing what happened to Conya's husband. I liked their reactions to the revealing of the news most of all. We can see Obi going through all these emotions, but ultimately he understands that Conya went through a whole lot, and that it was his brother who he always idolized that caused it. And even though he knows she is hurt and that it might do something to their relationship, he is prepared to try and work through things with her and not let it hurt them as a couple too much. And even though this was from Obi's point of view, we do get to see what this confession does to Conya as well. Very well done here, Megsug.

she saw the confusion on his face, almost stopped, almost let him go, almost told him to go.

As Morrighan has already said, you do use quite a few comma splices in this chapter. I felt like this sentence would make more sense if there was an 'and' after the first comma.

She wanted to keep her eyes up, had told herself she would never cringe before a man again.

Here's another one of those ugly comma splices where the comma is misused. I think you should change it to a colon instead and have the word 'she' after it, and then the sentence is all fixed.

a god to mirror himself after but never equal.

This sentence can be a bit hard to understand unless it is reevaluated. I would make it something like 'a god to mirror himself after but one he could never be equal to.' I do hope this is what you meant to bring across.

I felt like you could've had setting play a bit of a role in this as well. You could've said how throughout the confession the room seemed to shrink around them and become tighter, making it harder to breath as the truth was unraveled. Show that even as Conya is speaking about what has happened to her, that Obi understands it could've happened in this very room, behind this closed door that he is so close to escaping from. I want him to realize that even staying in this same house could have been a challenge for Conya. I am someone who is all for having setting play roles in the narration as well.

I will be going to the next chapter now!

Deanie x

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Sun Feb 22, 2015 10:19 pm

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Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there! Noelle back again.

It seems that you've switched to Conya's point of view here. I actually like it, getting to see things through her eyes for once. However, you can't really do that in the middle of the chapter. If this was the next chapter ti would make sense. Looking at this as a complete novel though, it'll be confusing for the readers, getting thrown into a different point of view like this. And then halfway through this part you switch back to Obi's point of view. I think you didn't mean to slip into Conya's at the beginning, but you did.

Conya is experiencing so many emotion swings during this chapter. First she's refusing to talk, then she's spilling her secrets, then she's nervous, then she's strong again. I guess someone could go through all of these emotions, one to the other, but it's a bit overwhelming. I've noticed in all your chapters that you really like to focus on character emotions and body language so I have to admit I was expecting that. However, I think you might've gone a bit overboard with it.

Conya has been a bit overlooked in this novel up to this point, so it's nice to see an entire scene here dedicated to her. We learn a lot about the person she is and about her and Obi's relationship. It's also a nice break from all the drama that's going on outside of the house. It doesn't seem like Conya and Obi have worked everything out, but this conversation is enough for them to go on living their lives. It'll be interesting to see how they react to and around each other from here on out.

Overall another great cjapter here. We get a good reminder of all the stuff that Obi has going on in his life right now. Not only does he have to deal with the princess and keeping her a secret, but he also has Conya to think about too. Are things ever simple in his life?

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

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Wed Feb 18, 2015 4:38 pm

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Morrigan wrote a review...

Hi, megsug! I'm here to rescue this from the green room.

I really liked this, and if I had more time in my life, I would go back and read this from the beginning. I would really like to. Maybe I will, someday~

You've obviously got really solid characters here. I love that you scatter in descriptions of Conya instead of the novice's mistake of infodumping. I mean, it sounds simple, but when you've been stumbling around in the green room lately, it's wonderful to find such a gem in the very back of the green room.

I had to put on my nitpick hat to find anything worth revising.

Obi was almost at the door, a hand reaching out behind him to grab the doorknob and make a quick escape.

This is actually a comma splice. If you rephrase it a little, it'll be a nice, grammatically correct sentence that sounds and looks better. Try this: "Obi was almost at the door when a hand reached around him to grab the doorknob."

“I didn’t,” she breathed, looking at her fingers which intertwined together

Did she reach with both hands for the doorknob? I'm getting a weird image here.

He could see the thoughts playing across her face and, just as his fingers

The comma should be before the and.

Tucking her chin into her collarbone in a frighteningly fragile, vulnerable sort of way, she stared at the floor.

I find that it's more effective to begin the sentence with the subject, in this case, she (or at least it would be in this one). Try phrasing it like this: "She stared at the floor, tucking her chin into her collarbone..." Also, while I'm at it, there are a lot of descriptors there. I would pick one. And take out frighteningly-- the chapter is already rife with tension and you don't need that adverb.

She wanted to keep her eyes up, had told herself she would never cringe before a man again. If her body language didn’t exude strength, her words did, “I’m sorry if what I say is beyond your belief,

You say that her words were full of strength, but she begins with an apology. If you really want her to be strong in that moment, take it out. This happens again in the next paragraph. For me, apologizing is a way to remove the blame from myself, which isn't a particularly strong thing to do. I don't feel like she's exuding strength here.

Watching her hand, Obi focused on her middle finger which was very crooked as if it had been broken and healed unset.

Try phrasing like this: Watching her hand, Obi focused on her crooked middle finger, bent as if it had healed unset.

He had been gone a long time though, and deities crumble over time.

The repetition of time feels off here. Try "He had been gone a long while" for the first part.

You’ve had a long day, go sleep,

That comma in the middle should either be a period or a semi-colon.

highlighted the shadows

That's a bit of an oxymoron.

I love the ending. It's a great one sentence conclusion to a chapter filled with emotional development between two established characters that really shows the work that the author put into it. Very well done. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!

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Mon Feb 16, 2015 4:19 pm

AMDDOG wrote a review...

Hi! Amddog here for a review!

Wow. Just Wow. There are no words to explain this. Well yes there are I'm going to try to list them.
Astounding
Amazing
Fantastic
Beautiful
And I could go on and on. I'm not very good at giving reviews so this might be a little short. I think it probably would have made more sense if I had read the other chapters, but I didn't and I still sort of get it. That's a good thing. But just to make sure I'm going to clarify a few things. Conya, she was married to Obi's brother? Obi's brother is dead? and Obi fell in love with Conya after the accident. If I got that all right then you portrayed the story perfectly in one chapter. If i didn't get all of them right it's probably because I'm stupid. Keep up the good work!
-Amddog

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The Veil - Chapter 25 Part 3

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