PROLOGUE
To the King of Isriphael
Written on the 12th day of the 7th month of the 600th year of the reign of the Hero
The worthy scholars of Isriphael have studied the prophecies of the ancient past created by the Ineori. These blocks of engraved stone are the most abundant and well preserved specimens of the time. I, with several of my colleagues, have analyzed the Ineori’s powers of legend mentioned in what could be read of the heavily damaged scrolls found in the caves with the prophecies. Their ability to manipulate a mind to their advantage is intriguing. With great controversy, I and my partners have decided that they possessed no clairvoyance and used their ‘prophecies’ as a plan to follow as they herded lesser humans with their ability to push their will upon others. The prophecies were no more than a veil to hide the supernatural powers, no more solid than sand.
As you may know, most of the prophecies include several vague characters that constantly serve the same purpose the ‘Hero,’ the savior of whatever group is to be in power, a ‘Tyrant’ the evil person or group of persons, a ‘Guardian,’ first believed to be a sidekick, now thought to be an Ineori that influenced the Hero to go toward the correct path, and, the 'Mentor.' The Mentor taught the Hero how to master the Ineori’s gift.
Based on the first prophecies, it is to be believed that those planning the path of humans began with good intentions, using their powers to make a cruel tyrant hand his kingdom over to his kind son and create peace. However, like many other lasting positions of power, the organization was corrupted with the many centuries of power hungry Ineori Elders. The prophecies went from small changes of power to elaborate plans of giant power shifts, including revolutions and wars. The extinction of the Ineori after the last prophecy failed is indeed mysterious. With their abilities to distort one’s thought pattern, it is very possible they could still be among us, waiting to rule or already ruling again. This idea, little more than a conspiracy theory, will not be available to the public. Though I cannot speak for my colleagues, I certainly hope their death is no illusion. The future of the people of Isriphael should be left to Fate or God if either exists.
Because the hands of power switched after the fall of the Ineori and the evil Difaemo, many of the historians before me and with me believed the last prophecy did go the way it was planned, that some mishap afterwards ruined the Ineori. The scrolls you ordered me to study years ago, however, revealed that the Mentor, said to have been murdered in the prophecy, was very much alive after the time of his planned death. It is to be guessed then that the final prophecy was in fact broken, and that the survival of the Mentor could have led to the Ineori’s extinction.
Since this finding, the Mentor has been surrounded by legends created by modern storytellers. It has been guessed with few facts that the Mentor is the true hero, that he overthrew both the Tyrant and the Ineori. I too have become somewhat obsessed by this character and the newfound scrolls mention his title often. I believe it to be written by one of the last Ineori to tell of their death.
I will be carefully studying the scrolls found in the castle ruins. They are rather promising at this moment. This may be the key to the Mentor’s true story. His name and true legacy will be known.
With Great Expectations, Royal Historian, Cleopi
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As far as I'm concerned, this is such a large infodump it's nearly impossible to tell how good of a writer you are from this piece alone. This is nothing but a large block of information - rather vaguely written, but I'm fairly sure it's meant to be that way.
On that note, having this be a vague infodump does not excuse it from being an infodump. In fact, it makes it a terrible infodump. Even worse, if I understood what you wrote correctly, you gave away your story's ending. The Mentor wins. Hurrah.
Perhaps it's a matter of personal preference, but even though I would like the hero to win, I'd still like some degree of uncertainty when it comes to the ending. The unpredictability of a plot is often what keeps the reader going - the need to know what comes after is what gnaws at him until he finishes the entire novel. Even then, the best novels will have endings that will leave the reader unsettled.
A beginning like this reveals too many of your cards. Writing is somewhat akin to poker - you want to keep your cards to yourself and keep the reader from knowing you have an excellent/terrible hand. Raise the stakes when you can, and bluff your way through the story if you have to. Surprise the reader. There will be clues for him to pick up on, yes, but draw his attention to other things.
The last thing you want to do is announce, before the dealer even reveals the flop, the cards you're holding - which is exactly what you're doing.
Sure there are countless ways to get to your ending, but I'm sure there are also readers like me out there - readers who are in it for the ending.
Pause and think carefully. Does the reader really need all this information before he/she begins the first chapter? No? Then why are you telling the reader this? When you write a story, go on a need-to-know basis. Does the reader need to know something? No? Then don't waste any words on it.
I suggest cutting out this prologue from your story altogether, or at least [very] heavily revised, probably to the point of it being no longer recognizable. As far as I'm concerned, this doesn't seem to be of any importance. It introduces the mentor and the prophecy, so if you do decide to keep a prologue, then I'd suggest cutting down the information to just that - The Mentor is a great figure, and there are prophecies about him.
Thanks Azirah. Believe it or not, I had some of these worries when I wrote it, but it was part of a project for a class and I had to explain my characters powers or the understanding would never be there.