A street light flickered in front of a grimy building with a neon sign that stated the business was open. Loud music with a strong beat and meaningless lyrics came from it accompanied by laughter. Blinding strobe lights called to the people who were looking for a party and deterred those of a more reserved spirit every time the door opened allowing pedestrians a glimpse inside.
Drunken men stumbled out in pairs after failed attempts of getting a fairer partner while giggling groups of young women in a similar state exited into the muggy night. Every once in a while a lone figure knelt beside the weed riddled flower bed beside the building as their body rejected the mix of alcohol and drugs. One woman clad to seduce screamed at a man leaning against the wall and retreated to her sorry excuse for a car when assaulted with a heavy fist.
In the shadows of the alley beside the building a man clothed in a leather jacket held shady dealings with hollowed eyed people, desperate for whatever he hid under his bulging coat. Farther into the alley moans escape from the darkness as a couple slips out the back, writhing in each other's arms.
A few women loitered by the entrance waiting for any man to come by with a dime on him. They insulted each other, seeing their comrades as competition until the man left by his beaten girlfriend swaggers over. They grin in bashful silence as he looks them all over.
In the alley one of the dealer's customers takes only three steps away before bringing her merchandise into the open and pouring some white powder into her palm. She takes out a straw and held one end to her nose, the other hovering above her palm. Soon after she removes the straw and sighs as her hands stop shaking. She slumps against the wall and closes her eyes.
A single prostitute is chosen from the group and struts away on the mans arm into the club as she ignores the curses of her peers.
Soon the sun will rise and this scene will settle until night conquers again. Soon the street will become empty except for the hurried traveler until the work day ends and exhausted employees flood the street.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I noticed some overly-long sentences and some phrases that needed to be followed by commas. Also, it switched from present to past tense, but overall, this was good. You gave some honest descriptions without being graphic or too gritty; that does take talent.
Really great piece. It's fine that it doesn't have a strong purpose to it, I'm taking it as it is - a creative gaze on night life, a sordid little snippet. It is very well written, with quick, dirty sentences, fly-on-the-wall observances with moralising, just painting a picture. Your writing is simply that - words in place of a painting. There's a great mood to it all that you've captured in your writing. One part of me would like more description, and perhaps in spots you could add more, to capture a greater feel, but then another part likes the direct way you paint the scene. Just anonymous people living out the snippets of their lives.
While this is just a stand-alone scene, I think, it may work very well as a prologue to a novel, that comes back to the vague themes expressed or subtly introduced here, or perhaps involve this very night spot for a return of its chief characters. Perhaps the anonymous people here will, in a novel, turn out to be some of its protaganists and antagonists?
Anyway, good work!
Egs!
Shady here with another review for you. c:
I looked at the other reviews first, and then your responses, and sort of frowned-- but then I took another look at the date, and it all made sense. xD Teehee, I've found an old piece of yours. I'm sure it will bring me great schadenfreude. c:<
Okay. This isn't nearly as bad as my first piece was. xP
I like your description, and the scene you set up. Sure, there's no plot to it-- but it's a nice scene, and a good little snippet that I'm sure was good to practice with. Your punctuation is...lacking. I'd say bad, but, well, it's just not there. xDD
There's a few more, but I'm sure you get the idea.
Anyhow, I'll end this now.
Keep writing! Fahrvergnügen!
~Shady
Good bit of writing you have here. The scenario you laid down in your story encouraged visualization because of the strong descriptions. Excellent job on that. I was a bit confused though on the moral, theme, and main characters in it. Were you trying to get a point across in your piece of writing? Or were you trying to express what your "image" of night life in a rough/sketchy city is like? If you were setting out to accomplish the second question, then that would be appropriate. Maybe you wanted to make this a short tidbit of writing...maybe a thick novel. Only you can be the judge of that. But what I would suggest is telling this from a different point of view. Instead of a narrarative point of view, how about a character's point of view? You could have a policeman observing the things going on, or possibly a visiter visiting the city to experience night life for the first time. Best of luck on this.
-Deelish
Thank you.
I've actually never heard that before but I was trying something new. Now I know what not to do.
Nice prospective, I like watching from a street corner.
Overall this did have potential, but you made a big mistake throughout this whole piece. Thus making it troublesome and boring to read.
But herp derp why?
It wasn't as much as your writing but your technic. You told us what unfolded instead of showing. You as the writer need to SHOW us...Telling puts the reader to sleep.
Here read this to understand what I'm talking about
post706992.html?hilit=show%20not%20tell#p706992
Thanks for the post. I'm new and trying to dip my toes in the water. Maybe I should just jump in.
Spoiler
This is definitely different that most other works I've reviewed. It doesn't tell a story, but it still works as a literary piece thanks to the amount of details. However, the piece feels very bland at the same time. Details help, but when you're describing different sections of the same scene, it can get boring for the reader.
Back to my first point, this piece doesn't tell a story, per-say. However, I wish it did tell an actual 'story', because when I got to the end I felt as if I had wasted my time rather than the feeling of having finished a good literary work. That's probably just my opinion, but you can definitely appease more readers if your piece tells story.
Overall, pretty good!
- G