Chapter 1: The Attempted Sack of King's Landing
Rhaegar Targaryen
I had waited and waited ever since I had received word of the Usurper's arrival. I had commanded my troops to take cover and hide, until I had given word to attack. Robert Baratheon had crossed the line, for the last time. There was no way that I was going to let a traitor take over my father's kingdom. Suddenly, I heard foot steps, those of men and horses. I remembered a few words of wisdom that my father had always told me to think of when I was in battle. "Count to ten, then, strike with all your might. I began to count. One. Two. The footsteps became louder. Three. Four. Five. The men's voices became more distinctive. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. "I can't wait to get my hands on that bloody dragon," the voice of Robert Baratheon bellowed. Ten. I jumped out of my perch and proceeded to attack. "Charge!" I yelled. The screams of men and the clashing of swords had blurred my mind. I was focused on one man, and one man only, and I finally found him. His back was turned to me. I could end this right now, all I have to do is stab him in the back, I thought. No. I want him to put up a fight. "Usurper!" I screamed as he turned around. "Here's your chance to fight me." He looked at me in confusion. "What? I thought you couldn't wait to get your hands on me. Well, here I am! Fight me, you coward!" Then, anger filled his face as he came at me with his warhammer. I blocked the blow with my shield and delivered a blow of my own, right into his stomach. He fell to his knees. "Before I kill you, I just wanted to let you know that Lyanna is safe. I would never do any harm to her. She is and always will be a dear friend of mine," I said as I delivered the final blow.
As soon as the Usurper fell, his troops either scattered, or declared their allegiance to the Targaryens. I gathered up the remaining men and we made our way back to King's Landing. I marched through the doors of the throne room and approached my father. "Father," I said, "I have slain the Usurper, Robert Baratheon. He is no longer a danger to this kingdom." "Well, done, my son. But, I have received word that Tywin Lannister plans to attack as well. I want him dead." "My King," interrupted Jaime Lannister, one of the Kingsguard and son of Tywin Lannister. "What is it Jaime?" "Please, have mercy, for my father has done nothing yet. However, you could imprison him for plotting against the throne." "Hmmm. Very well. I want Tywin Lannister found and imprisoned."
After the imprisonment of Tywin Lannister, everyone lived in peace. Or did they?
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129,978 Literary Works • 671,511 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayyy..starting with a quick disclaimer here to say that I am not at all familiar with what fandom this thing here is from so I'll just reviews this as any other regular first chapter...and it appears to be a pretty good first chapter here so far.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well, that is off to quite the blockbuster start in that one. Before I get to the actual content of this paragraph, I'd like to start out by addressing the paragraph itself. Its a little bit too big there to be opening a story on, especially considering how many moments manage to take place within it. This is something that really needs to be split up into multiple smaller paragraphs here, or else it just doesn't manage to flow as nicely as it could here. Its just a bit too much here to be packing into just the one paragraph here.
Now with the actual content of things...seems like its a pretty good buildup of tension there before everything explodes into battle. I do love the way the details of what's going on are presented, there's enough to figure out what's happening but not soo many details that it bogs the pacing down. The one issue I have here is this fight scene. It seems ridiculously quick and its just very quickly over...I feel like this makes this Usurper character seem very trivial, which I get, its the start of the story and perhaps we're establishing this character as a very good fighter that easily deals with this threat...but the flow of the fight is a little janky there, the moves don't seem to flow as fast as they should and the attack that takes out the usurper just seems to have no resistance, I don't really see this usurper do much more than attack with one blue then just take this other hit and fall without doing anything else. I feel like there should be some semblance of an attempt to block that blow there and some resistance as the fatal blow is about to be delivered.
Okay...well, that's an interesting point there to see that the person who's father is conspiring against the king actually resides in the court of the king and carries enough weight with his pleas to make the kind change his orders from killing this person to only imprisoning him, certainly talking of some very interesting potential relationships there for something like that to be happening.
At any rate, this makes for a very intriguing first chapter here...this certainly sounds like quite a tale, that I would potentially read on from, although of course like I mentioned earlier, I'm not actually familiar with what fandom this is actually from.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty solid first chapter, It has a few issues here and there but for the most part it's pretty interesting and certainly makes you want to read on and find out more here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This was an excellent piece of work that I enjoyed reading even if it was an easy read. It has an interesting plot that I believe that you can take somewhere even better than this amazing start. You could elaborate on the capture of Tywin Lannister but, that's just something that I get picky about. There are a few details that you could add such as who is Lyanna. Other than those minor details you are good to go, although I'm not the best reviewer out there. I believe you will go far in the writing world.
Hey!
)
Here to make a review! ASOIF fan here too.
Firstly, welcome to YWS and for a first work here, it was a strong start too. Praise for that! Your pacing was alright for a very quick prologue of, what i believe is a full blown fanfic. Wording was satisfactory, easy read and clear. Grammar....i don't think there were mistakes.
For a nitpick, i just suggest that you format this properly so that it won't be so hard to read. More descriptions of the scenes and a peep into the minds of the narrators too would do nicely. surely, to have read the books is great help.
Interesting plot you've implied here. Yes, its so interesting to imagine what might have happened to the seven kingdoms if the targaryens still reigned! How the characters and the .... the entire story itself would be altered, truly drenched in fire and blood!
Please, ping me when the rest comes up. I will follow this fanfic and you will expect a review from me as well.
Hope this was of help! If you want GOT convo on YWS.... I'm right here! Hahaha.
*hits 'follow' button*
-Waltzing
Thank you for the constructive criticism! I do have more chapters that I have already written, so I would like to hear from you when I do eventually publish them. I have been reading the books, and they have given me loads of inspiration, along with suggestions from people close to me. Thanks for the follow!