We were lying facing each other, him in the driver’s seat and me in shotgun. The seats were reclined all the way and my hands tucked underneath my chin. I was tired and cold, but I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to leave him. He sighed, obviously frustrated that I was asking him to make this choice. We both knew what he wanted to do. He was fighting with himself, something I would learn he did with every step in our relationship. I said again, “Just think about it.” I wanted him to think about the good things, how well we work together, how good it feels to be around each other. I wanted him to stop thinking about the negative, about the possibility of pain down the road.
He said, under his breath, “Okay.” He reached over to push my hands out of the way, cupping my cheek in his hand as he pressed his mouth against mine. It took a few moments for my brain to catch up, to realize that I wasn’t dreaming. “That’s my decision.”After we both caught our breath, he said, between kisses, “You know how long I’ve wanted to do that?”
“No,” I didn’t know if I wanted to know the answer.Some time later I was curled up against his side, no small feat in such a small vehicle. One hand was roaming my calf, the other my lower back. I was still so new to being so close to someone, each kiss felt like something special. We stayed in the car for almost two hours. At around two in the morning he sat up and said, “I should take you home.”
“Okay,” I said, threading my figures through his hair.Points:
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140,224 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hi there! I really enjoyed reading it. Believe me, every line made me smile a lot. This is something that everyone would enjoy reading and writing about, which is awesome because it is really catchy and attractive. I would only point out one thing though, which has been mentioned earlier before, that you could write more about speaker's (in this case, the speaker is you) feelings about her first kiss. And by saying feelings, I mean all the nervousness, anxiety and as well, the happiness and passion. Other than that, it is a really awesome short story. Keep up with the great work
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Hey there
I really enjoyed reading this story although i could use some details to go with it. It was obvious that this was the girl's first time so maybe you can describe a bit if she was nervous and things like that. Nevertheless it was a poignant story and perfectly described the blissful moment the young couple shared. So good job!
Hello there
I loved this, it was just descriptive enough to give the reader an overall view of what was going on but held back things to keep it PG. Great job. I could definitely feel some sort of connection between the two, but it was hard to distinguish how long they had been together, how serious they really were about each other, and things of that sort. A few things in this made it hard to read, like no names, and lack of age definition. I couldn't tell if the guy was a grown up and she was a teenager, vice versa, or if they were both teens. Adding those few details makes a world of difference simply because the reader has a better chance of visualizing the characters and better understanding the story. Age tells a lot about the characters involved. I'm not saying to out-right say she is fifteen or the guy is a certain age, but implying it throughout the story would give me a better sense of the maturity and feelings involved.
Also, the setting seems a bit bland. OK, I get they're in a car of some small size, but where are they; out in the woods, on a highway, in the desert? Adding small details, like what they are hearing outside of the car, will help the audience have a better perspective of the scene around them. Your setting is your foundation for your story, if it's really sturdy, you have the beginnings for an amazing story. But if it wobbles, you'll have a few issues just getting the story across the reader in an understandable way.
Back to the finer detail of names, I highly suggest adding them to your characters. Without it, the reader could be imagining what a Joe guy would look like, when really what you imagined was a Jack or Trevor. (Same goes for the girl; the reader imagines Sally, and you wanted them to think Faith or Grace.) Adding names makes the writing world be specific instead of the "I/me" or "he" that you used throughout this. You did a great job with what you had, but I'd like to see more out of you now that I know what you can do
Finally,
When I finally left the car to go inside, my mouth was swollen and purple from the fervent kisses. I had a silly smile on my face and a nervous energy running through my veins. I was wired, yet at the same time utterly exhausted.
-- This is the gem of the piece. You used great visual techniques here to let the reader see the swollen lips and the silly smile, but they don't know the face it's supposed to be on. (Names, names, names). I think this summed up the piece well and that it gave the reader a grip on what this girl was feeling. (Add more of this throughout the piece, please!)
Overall, fantastic job. I hope I helped you out with this critique, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions
Keep writing,
Ash
I really like this, but it could use some names and I really want more of this story so... remember to continue
Hey, there.
So here's what I have to say. I really like this story. It connected with me in some ways and kept me wanting more. Like 'Lycando' said I would have really liked to have names to go along with each of the characters. I also agree with the breaking up of the paragraphs. I, myself have the same problem and am getting better. I do believe it helps the story to flow much better.
"Some time later I was curled up against his side..."
I'm not sure if you meant to say 'sometime' or some_time. If you get what I'm saying. I hope this helps, you have a great story coming along. If you write more, let me know
Hello there, megefford! Lycando here for a review!
Wonderful story you have here! I can feel the emotions running, of young love and the hardships of being a teenager. I liked the beginning especially, describing how the main character felt and the conflicts running through her mind.
The dialogue was very well done too. Both characters are average teens, but from the dialogue I can tell that they're mature, yet they have a young side to them. Like how they act together.
The last paragraph too, it clearly shows how the two of them feel as they part. And how they wanted to make that "special moment" last.
Now for the actual critique!
My first question? What are their names? It's a little hard for the reader to pin point a particular character by "this guy" or "this girl", for this review I'll just label them as Guy and Girl.
Most romance stories have passionate love scenes, and some of them are pretty rough. Well in your case as the title puts it, First Kiss. For Guy, you mentioned that he had a girlfriend, so he would have some experience beforehand.
Now for Girl, this is her first kiss. I suppose it would be a little awkward for her, maybe? Or even heavenly, if she was the bold type. How did she feel, what was her reaction? Usually for the first kiss, most people describe it as "wet" or maybe even "slippery". Depends, describe the kiss. This is vital to the story as it shows that special moment which she gets that kiss.
The imagery from descriptions can change the way a reader looks at your story totally. It's not a good idea to overdo it, at the same time don't leave out everything either. Let your readers have an idea of the picture, but don't feed them everything. It overloads and then the story is ruined.
Overall this was a good start! One tip, it's good to space out the paragraphs, so that it's easier to read!
Cheers, Lycando!