Chapter 1
The Sorrow
Once upon a time there lived a little girl. This girl was deferent. She was not like other little girls but had many friends. She had dark brown hair that shimmered like a sea during a lightning storm, eyes the color of the grass in a farmers field, and a personality like a fox. Always wondering about things and scurrying away if you saw her doing something she wasn’t supposed to do. When she heard her mother talking with someone she would listen even though she was not to do so. Annie and her mother lived in a castle on a great big hill. Her mother had adopted her as a young baby but had never told her. One day she went to her mothers bedroom with the door open as wide as a piece of grain.
“What shall I tell Annie?” he mother said. And yes Annie was me. I was the girl with the dark brown, the green eyes, and the personality of a fox.
“Well I don’t know” a hushed voice whispered. I think the hushed voice was the maid. I was still standing at the door listening wondering what it was my mother wouldn’t tell me.
“I’ve got to tell her. But how?” she said. But the rest I never heard because my mother turned around and saw me staring with my wide eyes at her. I ran and ran and ran! Not even bothering to look back. I sprinted straight to my room.
***
Later that day my mother came into my room and sat down on the bed. I was playing my flute by the window. I had been playing for several years.
“Come sit” she said. Without a word I set my flute down and sat on my bed.
“I came to tell you something. I adopted you and you and I’ve never been married before. I know it’s hard for you to understand what love is but you must trust me” she paused a moment and held my hand.
“I’m getting married next month to a man I met at the market. His name is George. I hope your not mad”
She finally finished. Now she was hitting me with news so big I couldn’t think. She adopted me?
“I don’t mind” although I did very much. Why didn’t my mother ever tell me she adopted me?! If my mother got married she would be more busy with him than me. You may find it rude I say it like that but I really do think so.
“I’m proud of you for making a change in life Mother. …You adopted me?” I said not knowing she was already out of the room. So I finished practicing my flute ( I’ve been wanting to be a flutist since I heard the musical instrument) and set off down to the market. I had three crisp dollars in my pocket.
“Just enough to buy some goodies” I said smiling. I passed people on the street trying to get money from other people by begging .
“ Hey. You little girl” he said. “ Spare some money?” I walked towards him slowly.
“ Ummm….. Sure I guess” I walked towards him gave him a dollar and then…..
“ Ahhhhhh!!! Help!!” he had grabbed my ankle with his fist . I struggled to get away. His hand began to slip away. He held very very tightly then his boney hand slipped away. I never looked back there for I had ran as fast as my legs could carry my skinny body. I ran straight for home with the wind blowing past my face. My new white dress was now covered with dirt because I had fell to the ground as the man pulled harder and harder to do what ever he was going to do to me.
“ Mother!” I yelled “ Where are you?!” she came running down the stairs of our castle.
“What happened to you?” she asked hugging me so tight It felt like I was being killed by a boa constrictor. I saw my mother crying on my shoulder.
“This strange old man grabbed my leg and pulled me to the ground and he” I said with a gasp feeling a tear go down my cheek.
“ Shush, shush, now come on. Lets get you into the bathtub. I’ll wash your dress too” she said. So I took a very long bath. My hair was fresh with the smell of sweet oranges when I finally got out.
“ I’m going to a dinner party tonight.” my mother said. “I got a babysitter for you. Hears my sell phone number if anything goes wrong. Will you be all right?”
“ Yes, Mother, I’ll be fine”
“ Okay. I love you. Bye.” And those were the very last words I heard my mother speak. I still don’t quite know how she had died at the dinner party because no one would tell me.
“ It must be dreadful not having a mother” I heard. “And not knowing what happened” another said. “ It’s just to dreadful to say anything” one woman said.
***
“Whose going to be my parent?” I asked the Father at church.
“ Well I’m looking”
“ I don’t want anyone mean” I said sternly.
“ I know. I know” he said politely. So I went off to the market. Now I’m “adopted” by the Father for now. He was my guardian. I went to “Toms Toy Shop” and looked around. There were toys that glimmered with sparkles, there were some hanging from the ceiling , there were some on dusty old shelves, but there was only one toy I fell in love with. It was a cat and when you went to pet its back it would purr.
“ How much for this?” I asked pointing to the cat.
“ That id ive’ dollars” the store keeper replied with a voice that sounded like there was gravel down his throat.
“ Five dollars!? That’s a lot!” I exclaimed.
“ How muc’ ya got?” he asked.
“ Well only two dollars. I gave an old guy on the street one dollar”
“ Go get some money from your parents then” he said. I didn’t even bother saying anything I just ran out of the shop towards home. I had run home many times when I was frightened or mad so I kept running and running.
Chapter 2
My New Home
As I reached home there were two people standing there. One was very tall and skinny the other short but pretty.
“Hello”, they said “ We are your new parents. Go up stairs and pack all your belongings. Then we’ll show you your new home”
“ Hi. My name is Annie” I said staring at the tall man. “May I ask you what your names are?”
“ Oh yes, I’m Jean” said the woman. “ And this is Bob” she said pointing to my new father. So I went upstairs and packed up my stuff. I packed my flute, teddy bear, my clothes, and many other things I loved.
“ Ok here we go!” We sat in a small car about as long as a small crocodile and about four feet tall. It was a very small car but I didn’t mind. I noticed the tall man I mean my new father didn’t talk much because he never spoke a word as we ventured to my new house. I looked out the small dirty window and saw many things. We passed by long narrow buildings that were painted brown and red. We traveled on dirt roads, we went passed children who were working on a farm, and then finally we got to a small house painted red (but the paint was coming off) and had a small barn in the back of the house. During that ride I hit my head on the ceiling as we drove over bumps. My head ached as we got out of the car.
“ Home sweet home” Jean said with delight.
“ Oh its umm… Wonderful” I said stumbling over my own words. They led me through the house. The kitchen was quite small. The living room had a bunch off news papers on the ground and on the furniture, and they went up some creaky old stairs.
Jean said, “ This will be your bed room. I hope you like it. I decorated it myself” I stared around the room. The walls were painted light blue, the beds spread was white with navy blue pillows on it, and there was the most incredible view. I looked out the window and saw a crystal blue pond with ducks, ducklings, cat tails, and frogs on lily pads. Then I looked at the horizon. The sun was setting and the clouds were a violate color. It was the most calming view I had ever seen in my entire life.
“ It’s amazing!”
“ I knew you would like it” Jean said proudly, “I’m going to make some dinner for ya. So make yourself at home dear” so I opened my suit case, and started making my new room feel like home. I set my teddy bear on my bed, I set my stand by the window and my flute next to it, and I put my close in a small closet opposite of the window. I was wondering what my new life would be like. I started playing my flute by the window just like at my old house. It really did feel like home except that I was in a very different place and I had new family.
“ Sweetie! Dinners ready!” Jean yelled at the top of her lungs. Have you ever herd the sound of finger nails scraping the chalk board? And have you ever heard a key being scraped on a car door? Well put those two things together and that’s what you would be hearing coming out of Jeans mouth. It was horrible! It’s the most unpleasant thing ever! But anyways back to the story. I walked down the creaky old stairs down to the kitchen. She had cooked spinach, broccoli, and carrots. I guess she was a vegetarian.
“ Here you go.” she said handing me a plate with my dinner on it.
“ Thank you very much” I said taking a bite of the slimy spinach.
Jean asked.“ Do you like it?”
“ Ya its wonderful” I said trying to swallow the carrot.
“ Oh goody.” I saw my father sitting at the table still not talking.
“ Um. Why doesn’t he talk?” I asked.
“ Well he uh…He doesn’t like talking much. He mostly is in his own little world.”
“ Okay. Hello?” I asked,” Father? Can you hear me?” He let a little ummf sound come out of him.
“ That’s all he says?”
“ Yes, most of the time” Jean said staring at him. I finished eating and then went upstairs. I grabbed my journal and started writing.
My new life is very interesting. In my bedroom I have the most wonderful view. Our supper isn’t the best. The bathroom has an old bathtub, a bowl for a sink, and a rug with fleas in it. I was wondering why there were fleas ‘cause I didn’t see any animals in the house.
Then I got interrupted by a hairless thing. It had jumped on my lap! It was hideous! I stared at it. It was all wrinkly. I set the cat on the ground and it ran downstairs. As I looked out the window I noticed it was almost bedtime. I trudged up the stairs and got in my pajamas then laid in bed. I thought what my new life would be like. Then all I saw was black.
Chapter 3
My Job
The next morning when I woke up Jean had news.
“The only way to make money around here is to sell our chicken eggs, cow milk, and the pigs meat. So you will help Bob with that business while I dust and clean in the house” I didn’t complain to Jean. She gave me a wonderful life….I guess. I put on my boots and my trousers and headed out to the barn. Bob was waiting there sitting on a hay stack. He was chewing on a tuna sandwich. He said “ Well it’s about time.” Yep you read that write. He spoke! I said “I…umm.. I thought you uhh… didn’t talk.” he kind of chuckled a little. “ That woman drives me nuts! I met her when I was young. In my twenties I would say. I knew sign language and thought it would be funny to play a joke on her.” he paused “ I guess after awhile I fell in love with her. So we got married but I’ve just never had the guts to tell her I can talk.” I thought that was pathetic. Not having the guts to tell a woman that you can talk. That’s like saying you have a body but no soul. So after a long pause he said “We should get started then” and so we did. I worked long and hard through out the day. When it was time for dinner Jean yelled with her awful yell. I’m sort of getting used to it. I mean after a while it doesn’t seem so bad. So I went back to the house with Bob and had spinach. Since I’ve gotten here we have been eating the worst food in the entire world! But just like every night I ate it all as it slid down my throat.
***
Chapter 4
The Dream…
Later that night I went to bed early because I was tired from working in the barn with Bob. I got my zebra print night gown on and curled up in my bed. It didn’t take me very long at all to fall asleep. As I was dreaming I had the most bizarre dream. I dreamt that I was at an orphan home called the “Star Children”. I was in a very small room and the ceiling was coming off, the wall paper was droopy, there was only one bed that was torn up, there was only a single light bulb on the ceiling, and the floor was made of wood planks. There was a little girl in there with me and she had tattered blonde hair, dark eyes, and was very skinny. I asked her what her name was and she said that her name was Lily. We sat around a while and talked about our selves. The dream felt so real it was almost like…. “Get out of bed!” I heard a shabby old voice say. I quickly got up and turned around but I suddenly woke up.
***
Chapter 5
The Unexpected Fate
I had been waken up by the sound of ambulances and fire trucks hollering with there great big horns. I put on my robe and ran downstairs. I saw a lump covered with a blanket on one of those things you get carried away by the paramedics if something is terribly wrong. I saw Bob trying to pull away from a couple of firemen. He was trying to go towards the great big lump. I knew right away something was wrong. With out thinking I ran up to the lump and pulled away the drape like thing that it was covering. I saw Jene staring blankly upwards. I asked “Jene?!, Jene are you okay?!”, but I didn’t get an answer. I started screaming and kicking as two more men came over to pull me away from Jene. I was horrified. I looked over at Bob and saw tears in his big eyes. Then I noticed I was crying too. When I was crying it reminded me of the last time my real mother had comforted me.
***
The next day I found out that Jene had past away in her sleep. After pulling away that blanket and seen her face, I just kept thinking that I will never be able to forget that memory. “Pack your stuff” I heard Bob say. “What? Why?” I asked. “I’m taking you some where.” Then he started pushing me up the stairs. I grabbed a suitcase in the closet and started packing everything I had. By the time I was done the room looked as if I had never been there. I took one last look and thought of Jene, then left. I went down the big creaky stairs outside were Bob was with the car. Without asking him any questions I got into the back seat of the car. Right as I closed the car door Bob started driving away fast. We traveled through many cities and for many hours. As we went over hills and through valleys I noticed more and more little kids on the side of the roads with sings that said, “Anything Helps”. They had very bad clothing and looked really hungry. For a second I thought I was going crazy because I saw the little girl that was in my dream. I closed my eyes and then opened them again. She waved to me and I waved to her back, but then Bob drove faster. We traveled under a big wooden sing that said “ Welcome to Kalleyvop”. I thought what a strange name that was.
After all the driving we did we stopped at a little place that was trashed from the yard to the house. Bob said “Get out and hand the man these forms” and he handed me a big stack of papers with my name on them and information about me. I starred at them for a second and then got out of the car with my suitcase. Then without saying good bye Bob drove away fast. Making dust rise behind him. Then I noticed something even crazier. I looked at a sign on the building and it said “Star Children”. Slowly I walked into the chaotic house. Kids were running every were filthy, chasing other kids. There was news paper, toilet paper, underwear, shirts, clothing, almost everything you could think of was on the ground scattered around. I walked down a hallway and at the end of the hallway there was a beautiful door. On the door there was a gold plate that said Mr. Kailery. I walked down to the door and before I knocked the door flew open. The room was absolutely gorgeous. There was an old mean looking man at the desk. I walked up and the man said “Stop.” I didn’t know what to do so I just stood there. “Well? Set the papers down!” he said in a loud voice. I set them down and ran off. I found a room where I could stay with no one in it except for a little girl.
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Hi! I am Jessica and I will be reviewing this today!
Here are some of my points
- Show don't tell!
- Be sure to do spell checks before you submit
- Read it over before you start and look for grammar and spelling mistakes
- Don't forget about punctuation
Key
#008000 ">Green- Wording
#000080 ">Blue- Spelling
#BF0000 ">Red- Grammar
#FFBF00 ">Yellow- Comment
Chapter 1
The Sorrow
Once upon a time there lived a little girl. This girl was #000080 ">deferent. She was not like other little girls but had many friends. She had dark brown hair that shimmered like a sea during a lightning storm, eyes the color of the grass in a farmers field, and a personality like a fox. Always wondering about things and scurrying away if you saw her doing something she wasn’t supposed to do. When she heard her mother talking with someone she would listen even though she was not to do so. Annie and her mother lived in a castle on a great big hill. Her mother had adopted her as a young baby but had never told her. One day she went to her mothers bedroom with the door open as wide as a piece of grain. #FFBF00 ">Show, Don't Tell
“What shall I tell Annie?” he mother said. And yes Annie was me. I was the girl with the dark brown, the green eyes, and the personality of a fox. #FFBF00 ">You went from different point of views. The first paragraph was just a narrator and the second was Annie talking. A bit akward.
“Well I don’t know” a hushed voice whispered. I think the hushed voice was the maid. I was still standing at the door listening wondering what it was my mother wouldn’t tell me.
“I’ve got to tell her. But how?” she said. But the rest I never heard because my mother turned around and saw me staring with my wide eyes at her. I ran and ran and ran! Not even bothering to look back. I sprinted straight to my room.
***
Later that day my mother came into my room and sat down on the bed. I was playing my flute by the window. I had been playing for several years.
#FF0000 ">“Come sit” she said. #FFBF00 "> It should be- " Come sit," she said.
Overall I thought it had potential. Remember to tell us the background scene. And the characters past as well. I
If you would like me to review the other parts of it shoot me a message.
Questions? Feel free to ask!
Good writing, keep it up!
- Jessica