This churning world is a waste
It lacks compassion
It urges hate
What children overhear
They will soon proceed to say
It is a shame that it has always been this way
The older generation
Refuse to open their minds
Will you ever change them?
Or even rearrange them?
It is just the same old
Tiresome opinion
Spit out with fury
With rage
No I will not think for myself!
That is all I hear
Calm down
Take a breath
Remember existence is only a game
Yet you take everything so seriously
Don't you
No one is ever the right gender
The right sexuality
The right race
And if they are
They somehow have the wrong face
Well your arguments are bland and boring
Old news to me
But that is all they will ever see
I feel sympathy for you
I really, genuinely do
Because your world is so small
So minute and miniscule
While my own is endless and stretches on for eternity
So tell me what do you think of me?
You say nothing.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
ChocolateCello here! Happy review day!
This review will be quick, for there are few mistakes to be corrected.
Not a fan of the exclamation point. This line doesn't need to be exclaimed.
(The flow of this review is screwy, sorry)
Okay, great poem and all but it could have flowed better. Adding stanzas and commas would help a ton, making everything feel more poetic, more relaxed, and more smooth. (Yes, I know, 'smoother', but that would have thrown off my repetition.)
You did a terrific job at putting society into words. Everything you said was absolutely true. Nothing is ever 'good enough'. Nothing is ever 'acceptable'. There's always a 'flaw', an 'imperfection' to be found, whether it's in someone's gender, race, sexuality, or appearance.
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Hey meganmcfarlane1,
It's MergSword here with a review!
I'm just gonna say this is so true! The world can be so screwed up sometimes. What's up with the he world and the people on it. Why does it have to be like this.
No one is ever the right gender
The right sexuality
The right race
This is so true. This world has to deal with discrimination everyday. So what your skin color is different, so what your a boy girl or even transgender. So what if your gay, lesbian, pan sexual or bisexual. It doesn't matter! It what's on the inside that counts people, and if you can't respect that, well you don't understand humanity.
Well your arguments are bland and boring
That's also true. It's always the same thing. Boys are better than girls or vice versa, just because is what they say. So what if your LGBT, just because it's not natural is what they say. So what if your skin color isn't the same or race isn't the same, they aren't as good as U.S. Is what they say.
You just made the worlds biggest problems into a poem, and I respect you for that.
This poem is so well thought out! I really like the Diction you used in this, and I like the different lines. When you put lines with very few words it really makes a big impact on the meaning. The point of view is good as well. I also like how it is present tense because it makes it more powerful than if it were to be in past. Overall, I really liked this piece of work and you did a very good job, I hope to read more of your work!
Hello there! Biluata here for a review. I only have one grammar item of which to tell you and that is commas! You use periods and question marks so you most definitely need commas!Now in my opinion commas goes where YOU think the reader should pause so I am not going to tell you where I think the commas should go but they most definitely need to be used.
The feeling presented by the poem, I like. It was really raw, which might be why it seemed a little choppy to me. If that is the reason you wrote it like you did, disregard the comment above. It's nice to see someone who is willing to be raw and honest. Nice job there!
Overall I think it was a nice poem, but it could use a little more thinking out. I can't think of specific places to point things out to you, bu it seems like it runs just a little bit long and that you could consolidate it down into a shorter poem and still retain the same idea!
Hope this helps some!
-Luata
Hey meganmcfarlane1, xJ here for a review type... thing!
I'm gonna start off with the first thing I noticed, I haven't even got to the actual poem yet. So what's going on here is that your poem is not separated into stanzas! I've done this before, and it looked bad and not as tidy and nice as I wanted it to look. The poem was fine, people seemed to like it, but the fact that it wasn't separated into stanzas now makes me cringe.
Fix that up, and you're good to go. For now...?
First of all, the title. It seems very cliché and gives me the impression that you absolutely hate the world, which is always a fun time.
The poem starts out as a narrative, then suddenly turns into your point of view, or whatever character this was made for, if not you. And then suddenly turns into 2nd person point of view. Honestly, pick one. It was quite nice as a narrative poem, so yah?
At the end I was a bit confused. Who is this character? It was a bit rude to the reader, as it was about how the world was minuscule and unnecessary, as well as dumb. But then it suddenly became this random character telling the reader, or me, that they didn't matter. Cool?
I think you need to fix yourself on a topic soon, or else your poems will all be indecisive and confusing. But the grammar and spellings were fine, you didn't have any mistakes, besides the fact that there should've been commas in some places.
Work on it. Work AT it. You have potential, every writer does.
-xJ ♥︎