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Sad story

by megaawesome111


I was playing outside it was starting to rain. Me and Angel ran inside. We laughed and said how we almost melted. Angel was my best friend. Tell that terrible day. Oh and my names Rachel. Well anyway. That day we were playing outside. With a ball we were kicking it and it went in the street. Angel was going to get it. She didnt look both ways. Which caused the accident. I regret letting her go. I do. I wish i would have gone so we both lived. But anyway a truck came and hit her. I screamed it was my gut reaction. I yelled "MOM!!!!! ANGEL WAS HIT BY A TRUCK!!!" She came running out. We both saw in horror. Angel's head was bleeding bad. :( We called 911. They came right away. We went to the hospital. Her mom blamed me. Because i didnt tell her the truck was coming. But the honest truth was i didnt see the truck. It came out of no where. She was on life support. We had to choose. Even though her mom was mad at me she let me choose. I choose to let her go. She wasent going to be the same.


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115 Reviews


Points: 9790
Reviews: 115

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Thu Aug 29, 2013 1:47 am
ChangeTheWorld wrote a review...



Hey :) Change here to review this piece.

Okay after reading this over once I am not quite sure where to start. These sentences are very, very basic. Not one of them is longer than maybe 15 words which is bad. In order for a story to have good emotional affect on its readers it should have a variety of sentence lengths as well as sentence structures which this doesn't really. So I would advice to combine these sentences to make longer, more sophisticated ones, leaving the short ones only for when you want dramatic effect.

I wish i would have gone so we both lived

Had the narrator gone into the street there is nothing saying that she would not have died as well so this sentence doesn't really fit, especially since it mentions later she didn't see the truck so there's no way she could have avoided getting hit.

"MOM!!!!! ANGEL WAS HIT BY A TRUCK!!!"

I don't think a person would yell that their friend got hit by a truck. I think they would probably just scream, period, no words. The shock would be a lot to handle. It's also weird to put a frowny face right in the middle of your writing. I wouldn't say that's not allowed, but people really don't do that because there are better ways to convey the emotion.

She was on life support. We had to choose. Even though her mom was mad at me she let me choose.

I also strongly, strongly think that a mother would NEVER let anyone else decide to pull her own child off life support. And that she would not be pulled off life support so soon after the accident either. I also remember reading in the description that this was about texting and driving but there was no mention of texting in the story at all.

You're missing some commas, not a lot though because most of your sentences aren't even long enough to warrant commas. My big suggestions are combine some sentences. Write in more description because this should be an emotional, traumatic event and I felt nothing because it all happened too fast and then it was just over. Draw it out. Describe the setting, their friendship, how she feels, how the mother feels. Details. Details. Details.

I hope this helps. Have any questions you know how to find me ;)




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70 Reviews


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Reviews: 70

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Thu Aug 29, 2013 1:33 am
AfterTheStorm wrote a review...



Hey, Mega! The name's Storm and I'll be reviewing for ya tonight. :D

Before I begin, I want to let you know that you should not grow discouraged by my following review, dear. Please use it as motivation to improve your writing prowess!


Firstly, these sentences were very basic in structure, so there is no fluency in this work. It was hard to read, I must admit. Try switching things up a bit by shaping some sentences in a more complex manner, or combining a few of them.

Next, you wrote: "I was playing outside it was starting to rain." Do you mean, 'I was playing outside, then it started to rain'? "Me and Angel ran inside. We laughed and said how we almost melted. Angel was my best friend. Tell that terrible day." This should be: 'Angel and I ran inside.' Then, the sentence order seems mixed up here so maybe edit to something like, 'Angel, my best friend, and I ran inside.' I don't understand the following phrase. It's a confusing fragment: 'Tell that terrible day.' What do you mean by this?

And then: "Oh and my names Rachel. Well anyway." This line is very amateur, to be frank. Try working the character's name into the story without directly coming forward and saying it, especially in this manner. If you choose to keep this the way it is, at least edit it some. There should be a comma after "Oh", and an apostrophe before the "s" in "name's".

I would recheck this short because there are numerous capitalization and punctuation errors. Also, remove the frowning face before "We called 911". Emojis shouldn't be used in a short story.

"Sad Story" really doesn't have a solid plot line or interesting arc, and it's not executed well. I would seriously consider spicing it up, and adding more meat to your sentences! However, I like the idea for this tragic tale. If you keep practicing, your writing is sure to get better! :)

As always, write on!

---Storm





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