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Falling Steel

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Falling Steel

A man who lived in medieval China was a blacksmith smelting iron and making swords for warriors for the empire. He lived near a creek. There was another man about a mile down from the creek who was also a blacksmith, but not a good one. He was a thief, was very rude to most people, and had a second job selling illegal items. The worst thing was they hated each other. They had known each ever since they were small boys. He always stole, bullied, and even nearly got caught stealing a guard’s bread off a table. The bad mans name was Toshi. The other blacksmith who lived near the creeks name was Shiku. The creek he lived near trailed all the way to the city.

The emperor at the time was Emperor Zhang. He had a large palace with many guards. There was an unknown army from the north heading to China to assassinate the emperor. The emperor needed the best weaponry he could get for the army. The emperor had sent his men to deliver a message to all the blacksmiths.Including Shiku and Toshi It was to create better armor and weaponry. Shiku knew that would be him.

Shiku was in his workspace trying to create a metal strong enough to please the emperor Shiku heard knock on the door. Shiku looked through his small curtain on his window. It was Kinkay, his best friend. He let him in and his friend had news. “Shiku Shiku!” said Kinkay. “Calm down, what is it you are trying to tell me?” Shiku said to his friend who seemed out of breath and panting. “The emperor needs you at the palace!” Kinkay said while pointing to the palace past all the homes “Why would he inform you to tell me instead of a guard?” said Kinkay “ There is a guard, he is outside on his horse.” Kinkay said “Hurry, he said we must go along now!” They walked through the door outside. “Follow me.” said the guard as he turned his horse and went down the trail.

After a mile or so of walking they reached the palace. The guard told him to head up the stairs and go inside. Kinkay had to stay outside. He was told to sit down at a table. Then other blacksmiths came in. The table was very large, with many guards in the room. The blacksmiths were told that the creator of a new, stronger weapon would become head administrator for the emperor. Someone Shiku spied by the corner of his eye was Toshi in the room looking down at the floor. After that all the blacksmith were told to leave the palace. The empire already had iron but needed lighter, stronger, and harder weapons and armor. By the time Shiku was home it was dark out. When he was inside he saw Kinkay fast asleep snoring loudly on the floor in the home. Shiku was not rich, but was a smart blacksmith. Shiku worked all night trying to make create a better metal for the emperor. Finally, he gave up for the night and went to bed

In the morning he saw that Kinkay had left. He went into a cupboard under his bed and grabbed the meal that he had not finished from the other morning.

Meanwhile, at Toshi’s home, he a was on an anvil thinking of what to make. He threw together some melted copper and iron. It didn't create anything except for a blob of weak metal. He decided to take a break and snoop at what the other blacksmiths were doing. He went to six blacksmiths. They were all failing in their work. He got to Shiku’s home and peeked through the window and heard Shiku shouting and leaping with joy. Shiku said, “Yes, Yes, I have created a new metal that fits the emperor’s description perfectly.” Toshi needed to know how to get it. When Shiku left, he found Shiku’s workbook with how he made it.

The next day, the blacksmith were at the palace again. One man stood from the table and went to the front.The emperor let him. Shiku wondered-- had someone already found a new metal? He felt his idea would die away that he had worked on. He watched the man pull down the his cloak that was hiding him. He was Toshi. He told them how to create a new metal he called “Steel” He explained how to make it. He said this while looking in a book, “You must get iron ore from the ground, smelt it in one of the blast furnaces, then add carbon from a container.” Shiku had written exactly that in his book. Toshi showed the steel to everyone. Shiku wondered for a while. It was just what he needed.

After some time thinking Shiku realized what was going on. Shiku shot up in his chair. “That is my idea!” He told everyone that was his idea, name, and book. Toshi just denied this and said “Such lies, my emperor.” The emperor said let me see. Toshi did not allow him to. “This my book of ideas to help the empire, I can not just let you see in it now can I do that?” They were arguing very loud then the emperor said “Silence!” The guards came forth. “Now then, who’s book is this?” said the emperor. “It is clearly mine!” Toshi said. “May I see the book?” said the emperor in his silk coat. A guard came and took the book and gave it to the emperor. “Hmmm……” said the emperor. “So your second name is Shiku than?” “Uh.. uh..” said Toshi. “Guards take him away and for you Shiku.” said the emperor. “You claim your prize of becoming my administrator.” Shiku said that he loved the job but had to refuse. He loved being a blacksmith too much. “Than what other prize do you desire?” said the emperor. “Wealth!” said Shuki. “ Then so be it!” said the emperor. Than guards came out with baskets of gold. This was the beginning of a new life for Shiku.  

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User avatar
Raindeer
Review

Hi, hello there.

Like the reviewer below me, this almost reminded me of some sort of fairytale/fable the way you laid it out. It's a nice little piece, however, there are some points that could be improved.

Imagery. Description. For example,

The emperor at the time was Emperor Zhang. He had a large palace with many guards. There was an unknown army from the north heading to China to assassinate the emperor. The emperor needed the best weaponry he could get for the army. The emperor had sent his men to deliver a message to all the blacksmiths.Including Shiku and Toshi It was to create better armor and weaponry. Shiku knew that would be him.


This all seems quite rushed, with hardly any description at all. No, description is not just words and no dialogue, it's actually describing something.
Okay, so we've got Emperor Zhang's palace. He's got a large palace with many guards. Literally, that gives us hardly any clue of what the palace looks like. So, what's it made of? Are there plants in front of it? Are there great big doors that stay shut? You've got some facts about China in here, but you could include more by adding them to the imagery, such as what palaces in China at this time were made of.

Next, you need some emotion. Feeling. Here's an example on this that could be improved:
After some time thinking Shiku realized what was going on. Shiku shot up in his chair. “That is my idea!” He told everyone that was his idea, name, and book.

Well, how does he feel about this? Explain how it feels when someone claims something that you did. Is his heart hammering in his chest in anger? Or maybe, his hands are clenched in fists? You don't just have to use imagery (see? Imagery with feelings ;)) when describing emotion. You can actually include how they feel. Just make it not so broad.

Despite that, the characters seem pretty well developed, especially your main one. You also have quite a few facts about China in here. ;)

Hope this helps and didn't sound to harsh,

~ EternalRain ^.^

User avatar
yizhongt
Review

Your story reminded me of the old fables book I used to read, the one that always had a moral of the story at the end. I don't see any glaring spelling or grammatical mistakes in the piece. However, for the dialogue, you might want to separate it, with each individual having a paragraph rather than everyone talking to each other in one whole paragraph. It can get confusing if the paragraph is too long. Overall it was a good read, would make a good children's story on why we should not steal from others.



i like that the title of dr jekyll and mr hyde makes a clear stance that the embodiment of one’s own evil doesn’t get a claim to the doctorate
— waywardxwallflower