Some have their minds erased, some volunteer, and well, we kidnap them.
I had already spent half the night waiting under streetlights for the right person to walk by. Despite spending my nights here occasionally, I didn’t like being up on the surface. There was so much open space--it unnerved me to the core. The darkness though, I embraced it, it reminded me so much of the dimness all around the catacombs.
I waited behind a large pile of trash and a dumpster as I looked down at my watch to check the time; that’s when he finally walked by. I could sense the intense energy from him, much more than any random person walking on the streets would have. As I studied him, he looked to be 8, 9, or even possibly 7 if I looked a bit closer. Like most of the others at this time of night, he looked frightened, skittish, and most importantly, was alone.
He was half way down the alley way when I decided to strike. I pounced from behind, wrapping my right arm around his waist, restraining his movements and covered his mouth with my left hand. The boy struggled in my grip as he tried to break free from my grasp, but I held fast waiting before I felt a tingly sensation leave my fingertips. That’s when I knew the Charm worked. I then slowly removed my hand to reach for my stylus as the boy tried to scream for help, but all that came out was nothing. He struggled even more as he realized he wouldn’t be able to call for help. But I tightened my grip, twisting him against myself.
I held him in a crooked and awkward grip as I started to draw a Hex on his left arm. It was a challenge, but, at the end of it, I felt him go limp in my arms. I sighed in relief as I tucked my stylus back into my pocket and looked at the Hex I had drawn. It was a bit messy, but it worked nonetheless.
I picked up the sleeping boy,grunting from the sudden weight. He was a bit hefty for his size, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. I shifted him so that he would hang over my shoulder like a limp rag doll. I walked back over to a sewage drain lid and lifted it slightly. I slowly lowered both myself and the boy down the ladder, trying to balance myself as well as the lump on my shoulder.
It didn’t take before I was on the ground, walking around the river of feces and bacteria infested water. The sewers were humid and hot, and the smell was atrocious, but I had gotten used to it over the years. I walked along it for a while until I came upon a notch in the wall. It was barely noticeable, a few random markings that looked like graffiti. But it wasn’t graffiti, it was something much more ancient. I ran my hands over the words, they glowed slightly as I heard the scraping of stone as the door opened. I walked in, navigating around the catacombs until I arrived in one of the dens. I breathed in deeply of the fresh air, well as fresh as ground air got.
I smiled to myself and wiped the dampness off my forehead as I sat the boy down on the couch. I examined him closely now, now able to get a better look at him. His clothes were raggedy, his face covered in dirt. His family wouldn’t miss him much and he probably wouldn’t miss them.
Kez walked past me, looking down at the sleeping boy. “New Recruitment?” I nodded. “You sure fill that quota.”
My voice was a bit scratchy as I spoke for the first time since I got back. “You betcha.” I took a swig of water from a wooden cup and looked over at him.
“What will you call him Dem?” I put my hand to my chin for a moment dramatically, and thought for a moment.
“I’d say either Geb or Ged. I haven’t decided yet.” Kez laughed, grabbing an apple from a bowl on the rough marble counter.
“Always so indecisive.” I just rolled my eyes at him and chuckled, walking out of the room and towards the training room.
Kez followed me and threw what was left of his apple into the bin as I grabbed 2 metal staffs. I turned around, tossing one towards him and he caught it without ever blinking an eye, typical Kez. Sometimes I swear he was born for this stuff.
“So, when do you think he’ll wake up?”
I shrugged and we started to circle one another on the mat, “Who knows, but just stop talking and fight me.” Our eyes never left one another for the few silent moments of circling. We continued on dong this until Kez made the first move. It was speedy as he tried to strike me, but I countered him by sweeping my left arm with the pipe. It hit his forearm, hard, making him drop his own metal rod and shake it in obvious pain, “Argh, Dammit Dem, that swing is as hurtful as ever.”
He continued shaking it, trying to lessen the stinging as he said mockingly, “Remind me to wear a cup to make sure you don’t head for the crown jewels.” I glared menacingly and he raised his hands in defense, “Whoa, come on it’s a joke.”
“Don’t be such an ass then next time Kezzy.”
“Fine, fine, I surrender Oh mighty one.” He lowered his hands and arms down slowly as I shook my head and smacked him.
I enjoyed this short, very short fight, but there was something else I needed to do. He amused me for the moment, but training wasn’t important at the moment. It was just a reflex that had brought me in there in the first place. “Anyways what’s Juri doing now? She told me to show her the “fresh meat” as she calls them, when I got back.”
“Currently teaching the trainees how to summon worms.”
“Worms?” I chuckled, remembering that lesson all too well.
“Yeah, you know worms, not one of those monstrosities you summoned. You know the huge one that was a wormy-like creature but with millions of teeny, tiny teeth?”
“Yeah… good times huh? Almost becoming worm chow?”
He shook his head in utter disbelief at my joke, even now he was sore about almost being eaten alive. “I’ll see you later than. Don’t teach them anything dangerous. And if you’re going to ask why or if you’d ever do that it’s because we don’t want to kill these kids, and also we may live in nutrient rich soil, but it doesn’t mean we are actually rich.” He said as he left, as if he knew what I was going to do. He probably did though actually, he basically knew every move I’d make. Well usually, I still liked to surprise him every now and then just to spice things up a bit.
I bent down grabbing the matching dual poles and hung them back on the wall. Then I headed down the dark hallways through all the twists and turns. The tunnels down here were a bit confusing, especially to the newbies, but even I got lost a few times a month when I was going through the older parts of the catacombs. The newer parts were much easier to navigate though and overall less dangerous, but I still found the ancient stone and dirt walls as enchanting as I had thought when I was first brought here.
I soon came to the lessons room after rounding around the corner. As I opened the door I smiled, it was filled with small children from the youngest age of 4 or 5 to a few closer to my age such as 14 or so. I stood at the doorway waiting and watching them. Some had a mass of worms, or just a worm and some had none, their faces filled with frustration. I chuckled looking to Juri as she tried to help a distressed 11 year old. “Got a minute Jur?” she looked up and smiled at me, the same one I’ve been seeing for years now.
She stood up, leaving the kid where he was and walked towards me, “How’d it go?”
“Quite well, and late bloomer?” I asked as I motioned in the direction of the struggling child, she nodded looking back at him as well.
“He’ll get the hang of it. Miller just has to stop doubting himself and to give his power time to mature.” I shook my head as she left the oldest in charge of the others and we left the room heading back to where I left my recruit.
“I think he’s got potential his energy was really strong.”
“Well I’m looking forward to mee-” Juri bumped into me from behind as I stopped, shocked, staring at the empty couch. “Demi?”
“Where is he? He’s gone.” I stepped forward, surveying around the room frantically.
“I left him on the couch. He disappeared…”
“Did you use the correct Hex?” asked Juri in a concerned voice.
“Yes! Of course I used the correct Hex, you were the one who taught it to me of all people!” She sighed, shaking her head at my outburst. She was of course as stunned as me, but she acted calmly and rational, as if this was normal and happened all the time.
“I’ll be back, continue looking for him.” She hurried out of the room and I did the same, but in the opposite direction. I headed towards the left hallway, towards the residents rooms first. I kept my eyes opened while searching, he couldn’t have gotten far. He had only just woken up most probably.
The Hex I had used was almost like a very strong sleeping sedative and should’ve left him out until around tomorrow morning at the longest. Swish! I stopped for a moment and waited, listening to my surroundings until I heard more movement. I followed the swift sound as quickly as I could and as efficient as a blind mole badger.
As I turned the corner. I came face to face with a whole new hallway. It wasn’t one of the new ones, but one apart of the catacombs as it looked like, the strange part about it though, was that I has been down this entire hall before and this hadn’t been a way to turn down, ever.
I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone had come my way, they hadn’t. Before I decided to enter this strange anomaly, I quickly whispered under my breath, “With the Gaia’s protection…” I slowly walked through the unfamiliar hall. Something seemed to pull me along, an invisible force, but something also told me to turn back even if I never saw this place again, almost like a warning. Maybe it wasn’t real though, maybe this was just a dream, another nightmare but more realistic.
I put my hand on the wall to steady myself, suddenly feeling something pounding in my skull, pressing in on all sides. I would had assumed I had trespassed onto darkness territory, but then I wouldn’t be able to have any thoughts. I would have lost my mind in a few seconds if I was weak, and if I was strong, possibly lucky enough, I could’ve lasted a few minutes at the most.
I shook my head and stumbled forward over some rubble. The pressure grew until I reached a stone door. I leaned forward, pushing the door opened. When I fell over the threshold, that’s when I heard the screaming of a burning white hot pain. It took me only a moment to realize that the scream came from my own mouth though as I heard shrieks echo through the room.
I looked up and saw a pair of legs, they were small and gangly, still wearing their ratty pants from earlier. “Ged..? What are you doing here?” I asked as I couldn’t breathe, it was like some invisible force had taken over my body, choking me, keeping me down to the ground. I couldn’t even pull myself up, it felt like some invisible pressure was pressing down against my chest, almost as if I was being crushed by a rock.
As he turned towards me, I saw deep, dark black eyes, no they weren’t black. They were a dark blue, glowing somehow if that was even possible for a color so dark. They looked almost pure black, like the depths of the ocean or a very large lake at night. It was as if you could fall in and never get out, just looking into them made me feel like I was drowning at that moment.
He stepped forward and squatted down next to me, he put his hand against my cheek. He didn’t act like the scared little boy from earlier, but someone much older and wiser. As he touched my temples, I then passed out from the numbing pain, but the eyes, his piercing eyes never left my mind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I'd like to say that I find your writing to be quite enjoyable -- this story proves to be pretty immersive and the concept proves interesting. You have a great feel for description, taking the reader to your world and making them feel like they're a part of it.
qpBut I'll say that the whole time I read this, I felt like I was missing a prior part, rather than starting at the first chapter -- it feels like characters don't get a strong enough introduction, and the story can prove to be quite tough to follow at times. It comes to the point where towards the end, it's a struggle to keep reading because of how convoluted everything seems. I wonder if you've considered actually writing a chapter before this where you better explain the world and introduce the characters, before jump into what the main plot seems to be -- because as far as writing goes, this is very descriptive and intriguing, and the main character's lack of emotion towards what she's doing also seems quite interesting.
I love this opening line -- it definitely draws the reader's attention.
This second paragraph is a wasted opportunity I think -- you have an opportunity to do a couple different things, whether it be draw the reader into the story with sensory detail, more vividly describe the person the main character is kidnapping, or give the main character more persona, you don't really do any of those things. We get a bit of description of what he looked like, but it's not very vivid. If you wanted to, you could've captured the smell of the dumpster, the cold temperature of the night, the nervous jitters of the main character, or the confidence instead. There are just a lot more things you can do here while still keeping the story concise.
What is a Hex?
A nice level of detail, and I like that we get to know more about what this boy looks like. I wouldn't say the markings were "random" though if they carry significance to the plot -- and it seems like they may. It seems like a filler word to me. You could also describe the catacombs a bit more descriptively -- perhaps split it into another paragraph so this one isn't too bloated.
Who is Dem? I'd guess it's supposed to be the name of the main character, or at least a nickname, but I have two problems -- a.) you don't want to make the first mention of the main character by a nickname, because that just ends up being confusing later on. And b.) It's difficult to see who is saying what here, because you put Kez's dialogue next to Demi's thoughts, then Demi's dialogue next to Kez's actions.
Who is Juri?
Although I have no idea what's going on towards the end, and partly that's a good thing because I want to read the next part so I can know, I think you do a great job of capturing the main character's emotions and pain here. Just all these sorts of things going on that create a picture perfect scenario where the reader feels what the character is going through, and that's really, really good.
I think your writing is great, and your description is on point -- it's just a matter of pacing and remembering that the reader doesn't know your story yet. The characters also have a lot of room to be fleshed out, though since it's chapter one, that's a good thing. Let me know when you share more chapters
Thanks a lot for the review xD, I'll make sure to update sooner or later.
Hey there! Jay here, your friendly neighborhood critic!
I like your story! Hope to read more. Just a couple things:
#BF0000 ">Suggestions:
Okay. So, first off--great description! It's good to know how the character feels about his/her surroundings. I hate it when I read a book and I don't know the characters' feelings on the settings.
However, I feel that using "here" more than once in the same sentence is just a bit repetitive. Consider saying. . .
#BF0000 ">Despite spending my nights here occasionally, I didn't like being up on the surface. .
Then the sentence that follows:
Again, great description! But adding that and there just kinda. . . Makes it feel less serious; a bit more childish. No need to add words that aren't helping to feed the story, y'know? Consider saying:
#BF0000 ">There was so much open space--it unnerved me to the core.
So, right here, it just felt awkward. Try doing something more like:
#BF0000 ">I held him in a crooked and awkward grip as I started to draw a Hex on his left arm. It was a challenge, but, at the end of it, I finally felt him go limp in my arms.
Nonetheless is one word.
Say GRUNTING, instead. See the difference in feel:
#BF0000 ">I picked up the sleeping boy, grunting from the sudden weight.
Okay, great job on this one. You have good descriptions on your main character's strength and capability--I like that. But, you need to learn to stop using unnecessary words.
#BF0000 ">He was a bit hefty for his size, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. I shifted him so he would hang over my shoulder like a limp rag doll.
Unless you intend on graffiti being a magic command or something, like when Brandon Sanderson would capitalize Lashing or Push/Pull, graffiti should not be capitalized.
#BF0000 ">They glowed slightly AS I heard the scraping of stone as the door
I think you meant to say ARM.
#0000BF ">Lovely Things~
There are lots of great things here, but there are a few ones that just stood out to me.
Great description of the boy! You excellently portrayed that he was a harmless child who could be of very little trouble. . . And yet have a feeling that something isn't quite right.
Awesome characterization. I like a character who's skilled and he knows it--and isn't afraid to show it.
Aak! The child she just grabbed is freaking GONE?!
Setting the intense theme. . . Good choice. *Pulls put boom box, plays Jaws theme*
#0000BF ">FANTASTIC description! That's just freaking intense--and really helps me imagine what this child and his power are like.
Well, that wasn't expected. I thought that if he were to have power, it would be the uncontrolled, dormant-until-awakened-by-<insert form of magic here> kind of magic. But it seems as if he knows what he's doing.
I like that.
Great job! Don't stop writing--I wanna keep reading this!
#0000BF ">-Jay
Thanks for the review. Especially with the grammar
.
Oh yeah, also sorry about the unnecessary words. I need to make a hit list for those and start double checking lol.
Totally fine! I made those mistakes ALLLLLLL the time before I finally learned when to and when not to put them in.