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poignant reminders

by mckaylaam

maybe i deserved you leaving me.

because maybe it was the way that i cringed the first time you kissed me,
not realizing that your lips would be the ones to soothe me in those quiet hours we shared,
the lips that would help you speak all of those words
that made me fall in love with you so deeply.

or maybe it was the way that i could never drive to see you,
never able to care for you in the way you cared for me,
and therefore i always let myself wonder
if it would have been easier to just focus on my degree.

all i know is that i still have the flowers you gave me for my twentieth birthday
because even though they’ve been sitting in a plastic cup, dead for months,
i’d much rather look at the fragile remains and be haunted by broken promises
than deal with tossing them out and having you fade out of my memory.

if only i had watered them enough.

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13 Reviews

Points: 328
Reviews: 13

Tue Oct 20, 2020 10:15 pm

This is really beautiful, and heartbreaking.

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7 Reviews

Points: 199
Reviews: 7

Fri Oct 16, 2020 7:20 am
SummerBlues wrote a review...

Hello there thank you for gifting us with this beautiful, emotionally powerful poem! In return, let me drop a review here :)

First of all, I love the overall tone of the poem, it's filled with remorse, regret and woe, and what started out as nostalgia grows increasingly bitter and sorrowful as the lines move on, ending with a regretful, mournful tone. I am particularly fond of the way you capture those little moments that generate these sentiments -- the first kiss, the soothing lips and words and the flowers in a plastic cup. These are very beautiful symbolisms and imageries that represent a deep bond shared only by the two of you, and it makes me feel incredibly sad as you recount on these supposedly sweet moments that somehow become bitter and sad.

In a more structural term, I like how you begin and end the poem with a single sentence constituting the opening and ending stanza; both of which hint at and echo the sense of self-doubt that underpins the entire poem. Every sentences flow nicely to the other, and the only thing I can nitpick, if you do not mind, is maybe reducing the use of "that" in the second and third stanzas, especially the first line of your second stanza:

because maybe it was the way that i cringed the first time you kissed me

By deleting the "that" I believe it may flow better, but of course this is just a suggestion from someone who suffers from using too much filler words.

Lastly, I wish you all the best. It is true that time does soothed the pain, but I think there are certain things in life that can never be mended. It will hurt less someday, but it is still going to hurt somehow :( And as Buranko has mentioned, in times of agony, writing and poetry do help, I hope you find some sort of comfort in composing these poetries (and interestingly, at least for myself, I write the best when I suffer the most; and on a thoughtful side note, it seems that the greatest art often emerges from the greatest pain. My own writing has improved drastically during the worst moments of my life) Anyway, please keep writing, stay safe and know that you are not alone :)

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40 Reviews

Points: 82
Reviews: 40

Tue Oct 13, 2020 6:58 pm
Buranko wrote a review...

Hello there mckaylam. I stumbled on your poem when looking for some poetry to review. I gotta say, I loved it. The emotions are so strong, so vivid. Here, accept my review.

The poem begins with a heartbreaking sentence: "maybe i deserved you leaving me". The self blame is present here, proof of being really heartbroken and sad overall.
It continues on a nostalgic tone filled with regret at not cherishing the moments spent with the loved one. The persona talks about what made him/her fall in love with that person. We can see how the blame is getting deeper and hurts more with the phrase "never able to care for you in the way you cared for me".
And the last part is filled with symbols. The dead flowers represent the love that dried out and is now a corpse, a lifeless thing. Maybe that love wasn't meant to be, only beautiful in the first few months then dried and died, just like the flowers. The pain still is there, the persona refusing to get rid of the memories and still looking at the dead flowers, longing for love.

The ending is a conclusion that further accentuates the blame and sorrow, now using the flower motif to present itself. Wonderful!

I don't have anything to say negative about such a poem, filled with feelings apart from the fact that some lines are too long. Maybe it is a stylistic choice to make the flow of the poem heavier and somehow make you as a reader feel the weight of the feelings.

Stay safe, keep writing, best regards. I believe that the poem therapy can help in fixing the wounds on one's soul. Sometime you have to talk to someone but don't feel like it so that is when poems come into play.

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44 Reviews

Points: 2445
Reviews: 44

Tue Oct 13, 2020 5:06 am
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Euphoria8 says...

Aw oh no...are you doing well? You sound exhausted. Please take care of yourself, this must be so hard, take your time getting well and getting back to your feet.

mckaylaam says...

Thank you so much @Euphoria8 for this comment, I appreciate you asking me about how I'm doing. This happened months ago (back in June) and somehow I'm still not really over it, but I've been trying to take time for myself and put self-care first (when I don't have things to do for school). It's still just as hard as it was when this first happened, but I've managed to do relatively okay.

Euphoria8 says...

There are some things time can't mend...I understand you're having a difficult time and I think it's just so brave that you accept you need more love and care and that you're giving yourself the best you can <3 fingers crossed that the pain heals soon and you emerge stronger than before %u2661

Euphoria8 says...

And you're welcome <3

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