Published August 21, 2010
You took my heart
When he took you from me
Fed it to sharks
As you went swimming
But somehow I’m still breathing
You must still be close to me.
And I can’t help
But see my face
In his eyes
And in your embrace
I just can’t stop thinking
That you should have been holding me.
Now I’m trapped
In this lonely shell
Where I hear echoes
Of your distressed yells
And I sit here screaming
Calling out your name
Can’t you hear my heart beating?
It wants to be part of your game.
I hear you drink
From a friend of mine
Trying to remember
Why you’re consciously blind
I’m still here waiting
For you to give up on him.
I know you’re afraid
Of being alone
Of being trapped
Inside your dreadful home
I see you crying
Can I please come in?
I’m barely breathing
Let me wipe the tears from your chin.
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139,641 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
I didn't realise I'd already read this poem just last night until I saw the words. I guess what Im trying to say is a good title counts. The words wont matter unless the title is something catchy. Yours is a great choice!
While I was reading this part, I did not quite feel that it goes along with the previous line. Since "Im barely breathing" consists of only three words, it would have been better if the last line consisted of about the same number of words, maybe 4 or 5 maximum.
Overall, this poem is well-written and it really struck my heart
Peace out!
x
This actually brought tears to my eyes, it's sad and yet beautiful. I know someone how has gone though something like this, and the entire time of reading it he was in my mind.
Your writing is impressive, I really like the flow of it.
Keep up the good work!
~AGS
Heya, Hero here for a review.
*Sheepish Grin* 
Reverse doesn't work either (Where 'you' is the mom because that's not how divorce works). Then I thought maybe this was some romantic relationship? I dunno, I'm not so sure. If I've missed something so obvious then I apologize, please tell me.
So I can only really say that I didn't understand this poem. I am quite horrible at understanding more than one thing at a time, sorry. But by the second line we already have three people described by pronouns in two sentences that don't make sense at first glance.
"You took my heart
when he took you from me," is a bit confusing at first. If you meant something like, "When he took you away, you still had my heart," then this part didn't show it at all.
I have to give you props on steadiness. I could pick out a feint story here about a third player that messed everything up but it gets really confusing at times. At first I was like... what? Then, maybe it's a divorce? But I figured if he was that dad and 'you' was a child then the embrace line was really awkward
Otherwise I think this was written really well but I don't know if it would have been better in Dramatic Poetry. Lyric poetry usually involves a lot of symbolism and metaphors and raw emotion that this poem lacked.
Well, that's what I felt. Many more poems,
TheNewHero/TheLastOlympian