Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
so I need to make this longer, I'm just not sure where I'm going with this, or if it's even any good. please let me know what your thoughts are and any criticism is welcome as long as it is constructive! Thank you!
She liked to drown what hurt her. She liked to skip pebbles in the river and watch as they skipped, each ripple growing, new stopping but her eyes trained on the rock that sunk. Her hollowed eyes blinking once, twice, waiting for the ripples to fade before she threw another rock in. This time it sunk. She turned away from the body of water and closed her eyes, kneeling down to touch the cool water with her sweaty fingers. The relief that streamed through struck her like a far distance memory that only wanted to be forgotten. The kind of memory that should only be buried deep away, like the monster at the bottom of the sea.
She remembered the night,
silent and dark. It had been empty like her heart feels now. Empty like when any boy touches her now,
because he had touched her. His rough hands gliding down her body, smoothly,
lovingly, as he whispered in her ear that she
would be okay, as she cried silently and prayed to a god she didn’t know.
When she woke up crying, in a
puddle of her own blood, in her own bed with her sister frantically speaking to
her through the cell phone, she thought of what happened, and what didn’t
happen, and she couldn’t distinguish what was real and what her mind had made
up to cope, like the body of water she laid in, calmly floating around. Water
so clear and light she felt as if she’d been lying on clouds, soft and plushy,
she could fall asleep.
I woke up.
I watched a girl scream from her wrestling in her covers of the white bed. I smelt the sterile chemicals of a hospital. The screaming never stopped, and I watched as the girl choked on her tears as they poured out of her eyes, and her mascara trickling down like the winged papery seed of a sycamore does towards the ground. It ruined her face, what once had looked beautiful, covered in make up was now nothing but a mess. A picture of what a girl would like if you took the mask of makeup off of her face. . I wished I had my camera then, wishing to take a shot, to me there was always more beauty in those that were damaged, those that seemed broken beyond repair. I watched her, recognizing her eyes: deep and brown, broken with despair. She looked lost and I wanted to reach out to her. I wanted to hug her until she stopped crying, screaming and covering her face with bloodied hands. I watched as a girl reached out to her, and her screaming just got louder.
“You’re okay.” A voice whispered into my ear. “You’re okay. It’s going to be okay.”
His voice
whispered into my ear, it caressed the side of my face, causing me to swipe at whoever
was speaking to me. As I looked up through teary eyes, I saw a woman instead and I squeezed my windows to the outside world shut.
“We still need to talk to
her.”
“Marie, can you talk?”
“Can you tell us what
happened?”
“What was going on?”
“How did he get into your
room?”
“Did you know him?”
“What happened?
Each voice a million miles away, calling me towards a reality I didn’t want to face.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
This was really good!! But, I do think that you should try to put a bit more detail into the story. Answer some hidden questions in there with the words; like, is the girl in the bed someone completely different, or is she looking down on herself from when she was in the hospital because of the incident? Was the violator someone she knew, or some random guy?
Also, I feel as if sometimes you go as far as to be a bit confusing with your symbolism, so just try to clear that up a bit.
Next, grammar; "She liked to skip pebbles in the river and watch as they skipped, each ripple growing, new stopping but her eyes trained on the rock that sunk."
For this, you put 'new' instead of 'never,' or at least that's what it seemed you meant to write.
"When she woke up crying, in a puddle of her own blood, in her own bed with her sister frantically speaking to her through the cell phone, she thought of what happened, and what didn’t happen, and she couldn’t distinguish what was real and what her mind had made up to cope, like the body of water she laid in, calmly floating around."
This is a good sentence, but it is quite long, so you might want to try to split it up and form at least two sentences from this giant one so it is clearer and not a run-on.
"Water so clear and light she felt as if she’d been lying on clouds, soft and plushy, she could fall asleep."
To make this make sense, you need to tweak the last part a bit; maybe add this: "... lying on clouds so soft and plushy, she could just fall asleep."
"I watched a girl scream from her wrestling in her covers of the white bed. I smelt the sterile chemicals of a hospital."
In the first sentence, I am really not quite sure what you are trying to say; I get that she is screaming and writhing around in the hospital bed, but the way you worded it didn't make much sense. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. Also, 'smelt' should actually be 'smelled.'
"It ruined her face, what once had looked beautiful, covered in make up was now nothing but a mess."
For this you could say something clearer, like: "It ruined her face, something was so beautiful was now a mess, make-up streaming down her face in ugly patterns." Or something like that.
"A picture of what a girl would like if you took the mask of makeup off of her face. . I wished I had my camera then, wishing to take a shot, to me there was always more beauty in those that were damaged, those that seemed broken beyond repair."
Maybe try to clear it up by saying: "A picture of what a girl would look like, free of the mask of make-up she hides behind...I wish I had my camera then, yearning to snap a picture; to me, there was always more beauty in those that were damaged, those that seemed broken beyond repair."
I think that should be it. Now, I know this is really long, but I really did like this story a lot. I am not one of those people who criticizes works just to be mean; I see mistakes or areas that have potential to be better and I let you know in the nicest way possible, so if I was mean in any way let me know and I apologize.
Anyway, I look forward to more stories from you!
Keep writing!
~liveandbreathewords
This is honestly a hard one to review. On one end, I want to say that it's a little cliche, because I've heard a lot of stories written like this and it's just a little repetitive, but on the other hand, it's still a good story. I especially like the symbolism used in the beginning, intentional or not.
Don't put warnings at the beginning of the story, because trust me, it puts up a lot of red flags. Either be proud with what you have or finish it! Just remember I say that with a light tone, because unlike most critiquers I don't like to be mean.
Anyway, towards the end I felt like it lost some steam, referring to old cliches of shellshock and ignorance towards situation, but I still feel like it's a good story, just try and use the symbolism you used in the beginning of the story, or try to make it more of a narrative. I prefer the latter because I am hardcore into short stories and fiction, so I gotta have my narrative fix!
Good job, I can tell I'm going to like your stuff, but when you write, make things unique with your perspective on them, and write what YOU know, things sound much more real this way.
Not that I'm saying your not writing about what you know in this story.
Still, good work!
Well I guess I can review my own piece lol. You should probably find away to incorporate the river more. Talk a bit more about what happened in the after math. Show what she went through and then show that she wants to swim that river, that this time she doesn't want to watch some jon drown. You could also keep it all in first person. I just don't know know what you would want to do. Almost sounds like you're being too creative.