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Winston Tousdale

by mb1221



(Lady Sunspoon and Papa Sunspoon are on the stage. Papa Sunspoon is sitting in his chair and reading the morning paper. Lady Sunspoon is walking around).

Lady Sunspoon: Tousdale! Hey! Tousdale! Come here anon! Tousdale! Can't you hear me? TOUSDALE!

Papa Sunspoon: Maybe from now on we should call that poor creature Tooslow. What a weird servant he is. TOUSDALE!

(Tousdale enters running.)

Servant Tousdale: Yes, ma'am? Sir? What would you like to have for breakfast today?

Lady Sunspoon: Forget about breakfast right now. We've been calling you for five minutes. What were you doing? Why didn't you hear us?

Servant Tousdale: I apologize, ma'am. It'll never happen again.

Lady Sunspoon: Shut up and answer me! What were you doing at this hour in the morning?

(Servant Tousdale opens his mouth to answer Lady Sunspoon. Sandy enters and interrupts Tousdale).

Sandy: He was helping me to shelve the books in my room upstairs. That's why he didn't hear you. (To Tousdale) Right, Tousdale?

Servant Tousdale: Yes, San... Miss Sunspoon.

Lady Sunspoon: What? You were about to call her Sandy? Who do you think you are? You are just a poor little servant; definitely not someone important. If you call my girl by her first name again, you will be fired!

Papa Sunspoon: People! Be quiet, will you? I'm trying to read the paper here.

Lady Sunspoon: (Speaking to Tousdale in a quiet tone) Go prepare some breakfast for us. (Tousdale exits.) So, this creature shelved your books? Come on, stop lying! Tell me what you two were doing together!

Sandy: You know what, mom? You're being ridiculous. I have no words to say to you. (Sandy exits).

Lady Sunspoon: (Yells behind Sandy) You'd better watch that tone, young lady. And don't ever get close to that cheap creature. (In a loud tone) TOUSDALE! Breakfast! Now!

Servant Tousdale: (Enters on the stage) Here you are, ma'am. Bon appétit. Would you like me tell Miss Sunspoon to come down for breakfast?

Lady Sunspoon: Yeah, do it now! (Tousdale exits. Sandy enters few seconds later. They eat.). Dear, please stay away from our servant. I demand this for your own good.

Sandy: Okay, mom. I will stay away from him. Just stop repeating the same thing again and again. (Stands up.) I'm going to my room. I'm done with my breakfast.

Lady Sunspoon: Me too. (Stands up. They exit.)


(Sandy is on the stage with her friend, Gabrielle. They are sitting in Sandy's room, talking and having a cup of tea).

Gabrielle: So... Sandy, would you like to tell me about your life? Any special guys? Any hot, tall, giant fuckers?

Sandy: Of course not! I'm happy by myself. Money , money, money! I don't have to work. I don't even go to school anymore. I gave up on law school; life is much better without it. I just read books all day. Any special guys in your life?

Gabrielle: Well, there is a guy who lives right across my manor. He is so cute, and he is wealthy. He even got me a diamond ring for my birthday two weeks ago. And, the good thing is... HE ASKED ME OUT!

Sandy: Oh my God! Did you say "Yes"? I hope you did!

Gabrielle: Nah, I said I'll think about it. Whatever!

(There is a knock on the door. Servant Tousdale enters carrying a teapot)

Servant Tousdale: Hope you ladies are having a splendid day. Would you like to have some more tea?

Sandy: Sure! Will you please bring it here? (Tousdale pours tea in the cups) Thanks a lot. (Tousdale exits)

Gabrielle: Your behaviours are weird, Sandy.Aren't you being extremely nice to that guy? He is just a servant; a slave. He is not someone to be respected.

Sandy: I don't care if he is a servant. He grew up in our house. He has been living here since his mother kicked him out of home. He is so supportive and helpful.

Gabrielle: Bullshit! (In a sarcastic tone, making fun of what Sandy said)Oh, nice, supportive, helpful. (Gets serious) Sandy, think a little more logically. You come from an upper class family, and, I hope that I'm wrong, but it seems like you love him.

Sandy: Well, I will be honest with you. I lied to you when I said I don't have any special guys in my life. So yes, I do like him. He has the cutest smile and the most beautiful eyes that I've ever seen. Plus, he treats me like an angel.

Gabrielle: You can't be serious! Well, your choice. I have nothing to say to you. I have to leave now. My parents are probably expecting me home at this time of the day. (Stands up, goes beside the door). Bye, Sandy. Consider not loving that guy. Remember, you are rich but he is not.

Sandy: Don't even try to change my thoughts. Good-bye, Gabrielle. See you later. (Gabrielle exits). I had better go downstairs as well. (She exits).


(Sandy and Lady Sunspoon are on the stage. They are having coffee and talking)

Lady Sunspoon: How was your day, Sandy? Did you have fun with Gabrielle? Please know that she is more than welcome to stay overnight at our place anytime.

Sandy: (Without looking at Lady Sunspoon) Thanks, I'll tell her.

Lady Sunspoon: TOUSDALE! (To herself) He is not hearing again. TOUSDALE! Maybe I should try another way. TOOSLOW! COME DOWN HERE ANON YOU DEAF MORON!

Servant Tousdale: (Enters) Yes ma'am?

Lady Sunspoon: What's your excuse for not hearing me now, Tooslow? Actually you know what, never mind. Bring me some more coffee.

(Servant Tousdale exits).

Sandy: Mom, aren't you being a little rude to Mr. Tousdale? He is just trying to help us get the housework done.

Lady Sunspoon: MISTER Tousdale? Hah ha hah, you're kidding right? Why would you call him Mister? And Tousdale? His name is Tooslow from now on!

Sandy: Mom, he is a nice person.

Lady Sunspoon: Stop defending that creature. Why would you defend him, anyway? That guy is just a cheap bastard. After his father died in a car crash, his mother littered him to our place. We raised him for many years. He has been living a luxurious life in this huge manor; a private room, break times, meal three times a day. But now, it's time to make a change. He is not a member of our family, he is just a little footboy.

Sandy: Enough of your horrific insults against that poor guy. I think that he is a really good person. He is always helping me.

Lady Sunspoon: Well of course he is, it's his job to help you. We pay him 300 dollars per month.

Sandy: (In a sarcastic tone) Oh, we pay him a lot of money. I'm sure he'll be as rich as Bill Gates in few weeks. (In a serious tone) Mom, seriously, why don't you be kind to him?

Lady Sunspoon: Why would I? Can't you understand? He is a servant. But you, Sandy, you are a member of one of the richest families in Demonshire, the biggest city of Oritano.

Sandy: Screw Demonshire, screw Oritano and screw all the money we have. I don't want money, mom. I want justice! I want equality! I don't want hierarchy. And I really don't like it when you look down on Mr. Tousdale and consider him as a lower class person.

Lady Sunspoon: Listen to me Sandy. One more time I hear you defending that Tooslow guy to me, I will kick you out of this place.

Sandy: (Stands up, moves toward the door) Why don't you do it now? (She exits).

Lady Sunspoon: (To herself) I have to do something to change her mind. (Stands up and exits).


(Break time. Tousdale is walking outside of home with his friend, Johnny).

Servant Tousdale: Oh, fellow Johnny. You can't imagine how tired I am. I am tired of all the work I am doing at this place. I'm tired of the little amount of money I'm getting. I'm tired of being called Tooslow and of all other insults that all come from Lady Sunspoon.

Johnny: I understand. Don't worry about it, man. Remember that I'm always here if you need someone to talk to about your issues. You are not alone.

Servant Tousdale: Thanks a lot, my fellow friend. I also have another problem, but I don't really want to talk about it because I will sound stupid.

Johnny: What's the matter?

Servant Tousdale: Like Romeo said,out of her favour, where I'm in love. [1]

Johnny: Unrequited love issues? I see... Who is the girl?

Servant Tousdale: It sounds stupid, so never mind.

Johnny: C'mon, tell me.

Servant Tousdale: You know, I grew up in this place as my mother left me here when my father died. And in this place, I grew up with San... Miss Sunspoon. Recently I've been feeling special about her. She is always nice to me. She always defends me when her mother insults me. Basically, she treats me like a human. And I realized that I kind of like her.

(Silence for few seconds)

Johnny: Winston, I will be honest with you. She is one of the richest people in this city of Demonshire. Thus, I'm sure that she has higher expectations. I think you should just forget about her. Move on and find someone different. Someone who is not as wealthy as Miss Sunspoon.

Servant Tousdale: What if she likes me as well? I just told you, she treats me well.

Johnny: I think you should go to sleep and clear your mind. You sound ridiculous right now.

Servant Tousdale: Ah, Johnny. I thought you would support me with this issue. C'mon, man! We've been close friends since we were little kids. You've always been there for me. Now please help me. I'm planning on talking to her about my feelings. If you're not helping me, well, I guess I should find different friends. (He exits).

Johnny: Wait! Where are you going? Hold on, I'm coming with you. (He exits).


(Sandy is in her room. There is a knock on the door).

Sandy: Come in!

Servant Tousdale: (Enters)Good afternoon, Miss Sunspoon. How are you doing today?

Sandy: I'm fine, and you? You look worried. What happened?

Servant Tousdale: Nothing, miss.

Sandy: It's my mom who makes you sad, right? I understand, Mr. Tousdale. You don't deserve to hear those words. You're a very nice and a helpful person. Let me talk to my mom about it.

Servant Tousdale: No, please don't do it, or I will get in trouble.

Sandy: Okay, I won`t do it, then. Anyway, why did you come here?

Servant Tousdale: Um... I just wanted to tell you that... that...

(Yelling sound is heard offstage)

Papa Sunspoon: Tousdale! Tooslow! Come down here right now!

(Servant Tousdale exits)

Sandy: (to herself)I wonder what he was going to tell me. Oh my God, what a cutie angel he is. I think I'm in love. (Sandy starts reading a book. Few seconds later, there is a knock on the door, and Servant Tousdale enters again).

Tousdale: Miss Sunspoon, I'm sorry to bother you again, but I have to tell you something, you know. I know I'm going to sound stupid, but I can't keep it inside me anymore.

Sandy: I'm listening. And please call me Sandy.

Tousdale: Miss Suns... Sandy, alright. Sandy, we grew up together in this house and I recently realized that I... I...

Sandy: (Stands up, goes near Tousdale, puts her index finger on his lips to make him stop talking, and she whispers).I love you, too, Tousdale. (She hugs him). I think that you're an angel.

Tousdale: I... I didn't know that. Thanks for those beautiful words.

Sandy: Now, I will go down to the living room and tell my parents that we love each other.

Tousdale: Wait, no! Sandy, they are going to kill me if you do it.

Sandy: I will protect you. (They exit holding each other's hands.)


(Lady and Papa Sunspoon are talking.)

Papa Sunspoon: Darling, I think we should seriously think about what to do with this servant.

Lady Sunspoon: Let's just fire him. Hah ha hah.

Papa Sunspoon: Sure! Hah ha hah.

(Sandy comes in with Tousdale).

Sandy: Mom! Dad! We'll tell you something.

Papa Sunspoon: We?

Sandy: Yes, Tousdale and I. We love each other.

Papa Sunspoon: Excuse me? I don't think I heard you. Say that again?

Sandy: I'm sure you did hear me. But just in case, I will repeat myself. We love each other.

Lady Sunspoon: What?(Jumps from her seat, starts running towards the couple and slaps Sandy. To Papa Sunspoon) Darling, do something!

Papa Sunspoon: (To Servant Tousdale) I will kill you, Tousdale. You know, I will.

Sandy: Ifyou ever try that, I will be the one to kill you, father. I like him and he likes me. Nothing can separate us. (She holds Servant Tousdale's hand, takes him with her and they exit).

Lady Sunspoon: What are we going to do about this, dear?

Papa Sunspoon: (Speaking quietly) Don't worry about it, darling. I will handle it. Trust me, I will never let them love each other. I will definitely do something about it. Come on, let's go out to get some fresh air, and we can think about what to do. (They exit).


(Sandy and Servant Tousdale enter).

Sandy: It is so awkward that we've been living here together for many years and I still don't know your first name.

Servant Tousdale: It's Winston, dear. My name is Winston Tousdale.

Sandy: What a beautiful name.

Servant Tousdale: Not as beautiful as you are. But unfortunately, we can't be together. You deserve someone much better than me. Like your parents say all the time, I'm just a poor servant. I will be serving the Sunspoon family until I die.

Sandy: I don't care about what my parents think about you. I only care about you. I love you, Winston. Let's run away from this place together. Let's go somewhere that my parents can't find us.

(Papa Sunspoon and Lady Sunspoon enter. Lady Sunspoon is smirking).

Papa Sunspoon: Too late, Sandy my dear. You're not going anywhere. Winston will be dead in few seconds and you'll be living here with us forever.

Sandy: No! If you want to kill Winston, you have to kill me first.

Papa Sunspoon: I decide who to kill, Sandy. Not you. (to Lady Sunspoon) I'm ready darling. Give me my pistol.

Sandy: (Yelling)No, stop it now! If you kill him, I will kill myself. (Moves in front of Tousdale).

Papa Sunspoon: Sandy, move out of my way. This has nothing to do with you.

Lady Sunspoon: (To Sandy)Listen to your father, my dear.

Sandy: (Yelling) You listen to me first. Why did you raise Winston here for so many years if you were going to treat him like a dog? I'm telling you, he is so nice to me. Don't you feel sympathetic for him for the death of his father? If you don't, well, then you don't have a heart! I'm ashamed of being your daughter! (Leaves the stage with Tousdale. Lady and Papa Sunspoon follow them).


(Gabrielle and Lady Sunspoon are on the stage.)

Lady Sunspoon: Gabrielle, I hope you are having a good day. Would you please do me a favour? I need help to change Sandy's mind about Tousdale. Can you please convince her not to be together with him? You realize that Sandy's standards should be higher, don't you? But she seems obsessed with Tousdale. She likes him so much and she might even get married in the future.

Gabrielle: Oh, Mrs. Sunspoon, I already talked to Sandy about this. I told her everything you just told me to do. I told her that she comes from a wealthy family, but Tousdale doesn't. I may try to talk to her again, if you wish, but to be honest, I don't think it's going to work, as she is persistent about her love for the servant.

Lady Sunspoon: Please try again, Gabrielle. Right now she is upstairs reading a book. I will call her down and tell her that you're here to see her. Then I will leave you two alone to work it out. (In a loud voice)Sandy! Sandy! Your friend Gabrielle is here to see you. Sandy!

Sandy: (Offstage) I'm coming. (Enters. Speaks to Gabrielle) Hello Gabrielle. What's up? (Gabrielle makes an eye contact with Lady Sunspoon, and Lady Sunspoon leaves). I was reading William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet upstairs. It's a perfect example of a book that talks about the son and the daughter of two families who love each other, but cannot get married because of their parents. It's also similar to my case, as you can tell.

Gabrielle: Sandy, since you are a close friend of mine, I will be honest with you. The reason why I came here today was because your mother wanted me to talk to you to change your mind about loving the servant.

Sandy: Oh well, tell my mother to leave me alone, then. You didn't have to bother coming here to talk to me, for I will never change my mind. (In a sarcastic tone) And thanks for being honest with me.

Gabrielle: Okay then. I had better go now. Bye, Sandy. (She exits. Papa Sunspoon enters).Hello, father.

Papa Sunspoon: Hi my dear. I'm here to talk to you about Tousdale.

Sandy: You cannot change my mind, dad.

Papa Sunspoon: I'm not here to change your mind. I'm actually here to apologize from you. I realized that your mother and I did not respect your feelings. Also, you were right. We raised Tousdale here for all these years, so it wouldn't be appropriate to fire or... or murder him. Oh, how big a mistake we were about to do. I'm sorry, Sandy. Tousdale is a really nice person. Although he is our servant, he is your friend at the same time, because you grew up together in this house. Well, you see? I changed my own mind instead of yours. So, when is the wedding going to be? And where?

Sandy: (Runs towards Papa Sunspoon and hugs him) I love you dad. Thanks a lot. But no wedding is going to happen. My mother still hates Winston.

Papa Sunspoon: I will deal with it, don't worry. I will talk to her right now. (He exits).

Sandy: (In a loud voice) Winston! Where are you? I have to tell you something. Winston? Darling can you hear me? (Servant Tousdale enters)Oh finally. Guess what happened, Winston? My father has changed his mind. He now likes you and he has let me get married to you. Now the only obstacle is my mother. If we can convince her as well, we'll be an awesome couple.

Servant Tousdale: That's great news. I'm so glad to hear that.

Lady Sunspoon: (Yelling offstage) Tousdale! Tousdale! Come down here right now! Get me something to eat.

Sandy: Don't take her anything to eat. Let's go down together and talk to her. (They exit).


(Lady Sunspoon and Papa Sunspoon are on the stage).

Lady Sunspoon: Are you kidding me? You changed your mind? Why would you do that? I trusted you. You told me that you were going to deal with the servant. But look what you did now. You know what, never mind. I will deal with him by myself.

Papa Sunspoon: Honey, Sandy is right. You should learn to treat him well. I actually regret for planning to kill him. I changed my mind, yes. Tousdale is a member of our family; you, darling, you raised him. He has nowhere else to go. Please let him stay here and marry our daughter.

Lady Sunspoon: I am not out of my mind! I will kill Tousdale if you won't. Now be quiet, I hear some footsteps. (Sandy and Servant Tousdale enter.)Oh! Wow, wow, wow! Look who is here. Our lovely daughter and our cheap servant. (To Servant Tousdale) Tooslow! Prepare the bath ready for me. I will be up there in fifteen minutes.

Sandy: No, Winston. Don't.

Lady Sunspoon: (Draws a pistol. To Sandy) You step back, young lady. (To Tousdale) Now, I got you Tooslow. You are a dead man from now on. I had warned you before; if you touch my daughter, I told you that I'd kill you.

Papa Sunspoon: They love each other, dear. They both grew up here like two siblings. We were wrong from the beginning for not letting them be friends. Come on, my lady. Let's give them a chance.

Lady Sunspoon: (Silent for few seconds. Then, puts the pistol down on the floor). Fine, do whatever you want. But know that I will definitely be back. (She exits).

Servant Tousdale: (To Papa Sunspoon) Thanks, Mr. Sunspoon.

Sandy: Thanks, dad!

(They exit in different directions; Sandy and Tousdale on one side and Papa Sunspoon on the other).


(Lady Sunspoon, Papa Sunspoon, Gabrielle and Johnny are on the stage sitting on chairs).

Lady Sunspoon: (Speaking quietly so that only Papa Sunspoon can hear). I'm telling you, we shouldn't have let them get married.

Papa Sunspoon: We did the right thing, dear, trust me.

(Music is playing in the background).

Gabrielle: (To Johnny). So, what's your name, sir?

Johnny: My name is Johnny. Yours?

Gabrielle: I'm Gabrielle. (They shake hands. Silence for few seconds.) So would you like to dance with me?

Johnny: Um... S... Sure! (They stand up and dance.)

Lady Sunspoon: (To Papa Sunspoon) Oh, sweetie. Look at Gabrielle! She's dancing with our servant's friend.

Papa Sunspoon: Tousdale is not our servant anymore, he is our groom, he is our son.

(Music stops playing few seconds later. Gabrielle and Johnny take a seat. Sandy, Servant Tousdale and a priest enter.)

Priest: (To Tousdale) You may kiss the bride.

(They kiss).

Servant Tousdale: (To Sandy) I love you.

Sandy: I love you, too, Winston. (They kiss again).


[1] Romeo and Juliet (Shakespeare 1.1.158)

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16 Reviews

Points: 475
Reviews: 16

Tue Sep 17, 2013 1:02 am
CarolineNaveen wrote a review...

Title hmmm Subtitle interesting
Lady Sunspoon: Tousdale! Hey! Tousdale!
That’s quite a mouthful to open a show or movie with as their sort of abnormal names and a little bit of a mouthful.
Servant Tousdale: Yes, San... Miss Sunspoon.
This line brings up an excellent point about how to use punctuation in a storyline. An ellipses or ... is used when a character trails off or a hyphen is used when the change thought or catch themselves in speech. I feel like a hyphen would be a better use of punctuation here because it seems more natural for it to be more of a stutter on his words than a trail off.
Lady Sunspoon: (Yells behind Sandy) You'd better watch that tone, young lady
Just wanted to say here that you’re formatting is perfect. You’re the first scriptwriter that I’ve met on this website that has had correct formatting so far. Your stage directions are in italics that’s good, your character names are in bold. Because you have obviously put a lot of effort in this I’m going to tell you something that would make it perfect. In script/screenwriting professionally the colon goes after the stage direction if it begins the thought.
I.e. Lady Sunspoon (yells behind SANDY): You’d better watch that tone, young lady.
The reason why this is done is because Lady Sunspoon is the subject of the sentence and yells behind sandy is what’s happening. That thought it sort-of ended with the colon. Don’t get me wrong scripts are hardly ever grammatically correct because people don’t speak the way they write it just brings your script to an even bigger more professional level. The second thing is if a character is in the stage/scenic directions their name is all capitals like it above. The characters name is also generally listed in all caps before their line as well but because of the length of your characters and because you offset the name in bold this is not necessary. But it does need to be in all caps in the stage directions.
So Gabrille’s first line at the end: Any hot, tall, giant f***ers? I would be careful about this level of language especially when you are first starting out as it greatly restricts the reality of it being produced because of the restriction on the audience. I know a lot of schools would not accept a script with this word, even though it might be said in the hallways they don’t want to endorse it. Just something to think about before dropping it in there when it’s unnecessary.
Gabrille: Bulls**t!
Again with the above comment. Just think a little. 
Lady Sunspoon: ..... His name is Tooslow from now on!
I would put this line in italics or put it in quotations so that the joke is more evident to first time readers and to the actors when you host a read-through.
Servant Tousdale: Oh, fellow Johnny
You seem to switch the style of your dialogue speraticly. Sometimes when I’m reading I feel like your set in the early 1700’s and then you switch back to extremely modern language. This is a very common mistakes for early playwrights but can be easily fixed.
Tousdale: Miss Sunspoon, I'm sorry to bother you again, but I have to tell you something, you know. I know I'm going to sound stupid, but I can't keep it inside me anymore.
Sandy: I'm listening. And please call me Sandy.
Tousdale: Miss Suns... Sandy, alright. Sandy, we grew up together in this house and I recently realized that I... I...
Sandy: (Stands up, goes near Tousdale, puts her index finger on his lips to make him stop talking, and she whispers).I love you, too, Tousdale. (She hugs him). I think that you're an angel.
That was sudden. You didn’t make the audience really root for this to happen. I never felt sick with the desire for this to come out. It just was out there with no real climatic feeling. You might want to add some more encounters where it’s just tantalising and the audience goes tell her! Tell HIM! It’s not that hard! 
Also the decision to tell the parents was immediate, they didn’t keep it secret or try to at all. I know this sounds cliché but if you had them keep it secret and then the parents find out and want to kill Tousdale it would be a totally different experience.
A lot of discussion about killing among the family members. A family is a group and even though they feel betrayal, wouldn’t want to kill each other under normal cercumstances also Lady and Papa’s immediate decision to kill Winston is fast and immediate. They don’t seem like the type for this type of action. They don’t sound like they’ve ever done any work themselves especially dirty work like that...just sayin’ it’s a little off. Maybe there could be worse things they could do to Winston i.e. kick him out where he could die of starvation because they bar all his doors to education and jobs....that could be another alternative.
Papa Sunspoon: I'm not here to change your mind. I'm actually here to apologize from you. I realized that your mother and I did not respect your feelings. Also, you were right. We raised Tousdale here for all these years, so it wouldn't be appropriate to fire or... or murder him. Oh, how big a mistake we were about to do. I'm sorry, Sandy. Tousdale is a really nice person. Although he is our servant, he is your friend at the same time, because you grew up together in this house. Well, you see? I changed my own mind instead of yours. So, when is the wedding going to be? And where?
He wants to kill him and now he loves him. So confused.
Lady Sunspoon: (Draws a pistol. To Sandy) You step back, young lady. (To Tousdale) Now, I got you Tooslow. You are a dead man from now on. I had warned you before; if you touch my daughter, I told you that I'd kill you.
Alright finally a powerful piece of dialogue. It makes since, it flows at it is based of the character. It’s just abnormal that she pulls a gun. Where did she learn how to use that? But then again it’s film/theatre anything can happen. Showing potential here, you can write dialogue!
Lady Sunspoon: (Silent for few seconds. Then, puts the pistol down on the floor). Fine, do whatever you want. But know that I will definitely be back. (She exits).
And we’re back....
Oh my goodness! I totally TOTALLY TOTALLY LOVE THAT YOU had Jonny and Gabrille meet at the end.
Alright that was the nit picks on the overall script. I wrote those things as I was reading so I apologize if it was to close in detail. Anyways, overall it was great I love the concept. Some things to think about:
Your dialogue –it goes old and then modern and old and modern it can’t seem to decide also the realisticness of the dialogue could still use a little work. It is by far not the worst that I have seen but there is always room for improvement.
Consistent- Characters can grow and develop but certain things have to happen for this to take place. They can’t decide their going to kill someone and feel that passionately and then decide their not going to. Decide that they love someone and then decide that they’re going to tell the parents who aren’t going to approve. There needs to be a little bit of development there.
Your Title- Okay, I have to say it was not you’re title that intrigued me to read this it was your subtitle/information about what it was about. You might want to change your title so that it pulls in readers it is your best asset and getting people interested.
Overall you did some great work. Their still needs to be some improvement in these areas. I don’t get the feeling you’ve had a chance to do any re-writes on it yet but when you do I highly suggest that you read it aloud. As this will extremely help you with your dialogue.

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93 Reviews

Points: 184
Reviews: 93

Thu Aug 15, 2013 3:40 am
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Sylar wrote a review...

This was quite an interesting piece of writing for my first review.

Overall, I enjoyed it, but I was confused with some parts of the story.

First off, this is supposed to be a play, right? Not a piece of cinema? If this is supposed to be a screenplay, there are many issues with the formatting. If not, I only saw a few grammatical issues in which you didn't seem to press the space bar between two words or sentences.

Like, Nephthys, I, too, was confused with the "universe" in which your writing takes place, and I would love to know when and where they live. Speaking of the world, this must not be Earth today, because Papa and Lady Sunspoon were going to kill Winston and Sandy at multiple points throughout the play, without sounding scared or afraid of the cause to effect situation.

I was also confused with the ending. After all this time of Sandy's mother trying to break up the relationship between Winston and Sandy, she would just let go of all that negative energy and just give up? Why? Judging by the remnants of knowledge we have learned about her character throughout this script, she doesn't seem like the kind of person who would drop the gun without pulling the trigger first. And you chose her ending line to be, "Fine, do whatever you want. But know that I will definitely be back." makes ABSOLUTELY no sense to me. Why would she say, "I'll be back if she already knew she was going to see her daughter and future son-in-law in at least the next day if not earlier? I'm guessing she was supposed to be the antagonist, but she acted as a monotonous, predictable character.

Lastly, I though most of the dialogue was quite flat and lacked any specific voice whatsoever. If you read me a line and asked me to tell you the name of the character speaking, I would not be able to tell you who the character was. Besides, all each character would do is spill out EVERY SINGLE feeling they have immediately, and that isn't how normal people talk! The whole play just seemed so unreal, and I expect more from writers.

It was a cute script, a nice take on the Romeo and Juliet love story, but I think you should do a second draft.

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57 Reviews

Points: 4569
Reviews: 57

Mon Aug 05, 2013 11:18 pm
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Nephthys wrote a review...

Hi, this is Nephthys, excited to review a script!

You seem to have a great understanding of the balance between stage directions and dialogue that works well onstage- you give us all the directions we need, while still leaving lots of room for the actors and director to interpret. I also liked the brisk comedic tone of the piece (although I feel that sometimes it went too far).

I was, however, confused about the world that this take place in: your characters use old-fashioned language like "anon", but apparently Bill Gates is alive? Also, the world has the fantastical-sounding name of "Demonshire", which leads me to think that this is, if not fantasy, at least an alternate world, but then you still mention Bill Gates, Shakespeare, and have a character studying to be a lawyer.

I appreciate the conciseness of your characters, because having a lot of long speeches can get boring fast, but sometimes your characters come off as unrealistically blunt. In conversation, people usually don't just say exactly what they feel, they edge around it. For example when Gabrielle says
"Your behaviours are weird, Sandy.Aren't you being extremely nice to that guy? He is just a servant; a slave. He is not someone to be respected."
It feels weird that she just says all of that right away, with hardly any reason to be suspicious. I understand that you are trying to create satire by showing how over-the-top these people are, but it still makes much more sense (and will be a lot funnier for the audience) for Gabrielle to at least question Sandy a little before jumping to conclusions.

If you look at these logical leaps in all of the characters' lines, I think it will also help to lengthen the scenes to a more manageable length (they feel very short and consequently rushed now).

I also found it confusing how quickly and without a trigger your characters changed their opinions. For example, when the father changes his mind about the marriage, I wanted there to be a reason for him to re-evaluate his original position.

As I read this play, I didn't really feel myself wanting to know "What happens next?" I think this was partly because there was not a lot of active scenes in the play. Most of the scenes were about people telling eachother about other people, instead of actively making a plan, investigating something, or even trying to find out how someone else feels about them.

I feel like this script has a lot of comedic potential, and please let me know if you need any of my points clarified :)

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394 Reviews

Points: 16710
Reviews: 394

Sat Aug 03, 2013 9:21 pm
KnightTeen wrote a review...

Hey, HT here to review.

Now, grammatically speaking there are really no errors except in a few instances where you forgot the space between words. Good job on that, I love a person with good grammar.

Now, let's dig a little deeper, shall we?

Your plot is very good, that I will not deny. But it's all choppy and lacks good construction. It's very rushed, with one scene happening right after the other with nothing to break them up and give the reader time to comprehend what is happening. Also, your setting leaves something to be desired. There are times when the characters speech is somewhat old-fashioned, as if they were in a time our current modern conveniences (Anywhere from the 18 to the mid 19 hundreds.) But then their speech becomes modernized, and it's hard to tell when and where you are placing this story.

The language is another thing that I would like to mention. While I have nothing against cursing, cussing, swearing, fouling, dirty talk, whatever you want to call it, (truth be told I have a very foul mouth at times) I don't think that I was necessary here.

Lastly, the characters. I agree strongly with K, they lack depth, mostly emotionally. They are also very sporadic in their behaviors, one minute wanting to kill each other and the next calling each other family. And sometimes their actions don't match up with the story content. In scene 8, Sandy steps in front of the gun that her father is pointing at her lover, but after some dialogue she abruptly leaves. Why didn't they shoot him then?

I think that this is a good start, it just needs a little work.

Happy Writing!

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45 Reviews

Points: 2602
Reviews: 45

Sat Aug 03, 2013 5:39 pm
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KLovelace wrote a review...

Hello, I'm K here to review your piece.

First, let's start with your strengths. You storytelling skill is good, and I can tell you are a creative person. This is a good story, very romantic and sweet and simple. I also enjoy the fact that it's in script form- to me, that has always been a challenge.

Now, weaknesses. There are a handful here. The first is the characters have barely any depth- you should try exploring your characters further before you consider posting future pieces. That would probably help a lot. Next, a lot of the word choice seems juvenile and could be done much more eloquently. The cursing included.

Those are just some small comments, because I don't have the time for a full review right now. I hope they're helpful, and I hope you keep writing!

Life's short; smile while you still have teeth.
— Tuesday