Masses alike mobs, smashing words hitting hard as a bullet
Real message lost, leaving neither sound nor a ricochet
Bitter words with sarcastic coat, meant to raise morale
Each allegation dealt as a challenge yet another ethical fall.
Promises echo every new day and every other day is a regret
Claiming much to remember, but forgetting what not to forget
Blink of an eye, imposing assurance, a hand rose to lend help
Sweeps away with the tick of the clock, pain, letting out a yelp.
Wisely going, playing the game of betrayal, supervised by a cheat
Addressing for a cure; identifying the wound, but not willing to treat
Every beginning leads to an end, end of the mutual dream
Affliction, agony and pain, sinew enough to cry out a scream.
Dreams may shatter, not the vision, so let not the vigor fall
When a step accedes to the right path, for oneself, one stands tall
Following' One' voice that musters one's soul, calling by a range
Let’s be the change, one I long for, bringing 'the wind of change'.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
This is really well written, but it's not a short story. It's a poem! But that aside, it's a good poem which expresses the need for change really well, but you could be a little bit more forward in the way you express that need. But then again, there is always room for change in every writing piece, so don't feel that you've failed or anything.
this stuff is good but not effective! write it in article format! this is poetry format!
is this a poem! or a short story? well i hope this is a poetry so change its feild. genre should be this but feild should be poetry! i hope u will go for it!
Hiya Mayyda,
keep it up.
Ok so, I really liked this poem. The emotion behind it was great, and I could really feel what you were saying. However, I was kind of confused in the beginning because it's under short story. Make sure you put your works under the right tab, because it'll confuse your reader, and sometimes cause them to stop reading your piece. I also think that in the line "Every beginning leads to an end, end of the mutual dream." That you should get rid of the extra end, but that's my personal opinion. Other than that wonderful job.
Hullo!
So I thought this was very interesting: the title really hooked me in and I never lost interest as I read the poem. I loved the description and how it almost seemed to be describing fragments of life. "Following' One'" was the only part that confused me, but I kinda understood it after reading over it several times. =P Anyway, great job with this! Original, deep, and has that "Real message," except not lost. ^_^
Thanks for your kind words, just to tell my view of 'Folllowing One'....... it reflects following the righteous direction, could be a person, God or any other motivating source.
Very original, and there is a lot of emotion packed into these few sentences. Poems can be difficult to write, but I really looks like you put a lot of effort into this. I encourage you to try your hand at writing something longer such as a short story of a chapter to a larger story. As always, good luck to you and your writing! Keep up the good work!
Thanks, sure i'l considet this