Published June 15, 2013
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,456 Literary Works • 673,226 Reviews
The format of this poem is SO DIFFERENT. Maybe thats why it seems so unique and catchy. Man' everyone is so much better than me. I love your rhymes and this poem actually makes me feel satisfied. FULLY SATISFIED.
My favorite line was actually the last one.
Time never forgives: cunning and mean
Peace lovers and helpers- the evergreen
Good work.
thanks for your kind words.
Mayyda,
I like the factual directness of this poem and I appreciate how concise it is. You did an excellent job maintaining a decent rhyme scheme throughout this poem, dear, but I feel like it's holding you back from expressing your ideas in a greater sense. Take this example,
Here, the first line expresses a complete thought, and while the second does too, it feels like you had to "squeeze" information into a really, really tight space, so we're not sure what the second line is trying to tell us.
One of the trickiest things about writing rhyming poetry in my experience is getting the message across in a manner that does not compromise your ability to express your ideas. Here, I feel like rhyme limited you to express your ideas in a rather restricted manner, when I feel like you could do so much more than this! Think of it this way: your audience can gather these facts about human beings on their own. Use your poem as a chance to give us a deeper reason to care more about the way you have to say it.
Best of luck,
June
love the factual poem! what's the poem form, by the way?
I just let it be the way it come me, although I usually don't do this. You can refer to my old poems or you will see more in future, Inshallah.
Clap clap clap clap claaaap!
What a great poem. Very thing to have said here is true. Turning facts in a rhyme is truly brilliant. I have one concern though,
You wrote, "Yet numerous die in a go"
I think it should have been, "Yet many die in one go."
The way you wrote is is kind of a grammar failure. Nothing else wrong here though, so that's very good! I love the subject of humans/humanity in this poem. No one I have seen has explained it in such a brief matter, so well.
keep up the great poetry!
~Dark.
Thanks, good to find that you got the best message out of it.
Your correction is considerable, but I avoided the repetitive use of maney. If you could suggest an alternative word, it will be more than welcomed.
Hi, Mayyda! I will be reviewing your poem today.
I like the poem as a whole but there were a few lines that didn't make sense, such as, "Getting things done have brains" and "Time never forgives cunning and mean". I'd suggest adding some sort of punctuation to clarify what you're trying to say in these lines of maybe split them into two lines. I'm generally not a fan of poems with long lines, but I think it works for you where the lines get a little lengthy because you still keep the flow going which is really nice, though the line length is a bit sporadic.
I do like the subject matter of the poem, but I think you might have picked a little bit too broad of a subject. I mean, humanity and human nature is a broad, complex thing so the poem is spread a bit thin trying to cover all of it in such a short poem.
I like the rhyme scheme; you did a good job keeping that up, but I'm a bit confused as to what you meant by "the evergreen" at the end. Is this symbolic of something? I might expand on this if I were you so it makes more sense.
My very favorite line is "Through words, bittersweet, interact." There's a unique rhythm to it that I really, really love; the words just work together in this strange, awesome way.
That's really all I have to say. Liked the poem. Welcome to YWS!
Ok, I liked the way you reviewed it, just to clarify the picture, let me explain a bit.... I never intended to sum up humanity but to bring a thought, just the way it came.Keeping complexity aside, i kept it short.
Getting things done have brains" and "Time never forgives cunning and mean". ...... I have added punctuation to it, hope now you comprehend the meaning. Otherwise what i intended was to unveil the fact that be it good or bad, the mother of all discoveries is human and in case of later , i came up with the fact that history marks the good and bad humans as a lesson for coming generarions and they are remembered the way they lived.Same is true for evergreen, referred even years later for their greatness.