Hiya, mayarose823! Just dropping in for a quick review.
Rather like Tuckster, I think this opening is a diamond in the rough. I really love your opening sentence - it's an instant hook, and it immediately puts questions into my mind. Who is Lucetta? How did she die? What is the narrator's relationship to her? With that in mind, I'm kind of surprised that the second question never came up in this chapter. Neither Elys or their mother even bothers to ask how she died, not even out of basic curiosity. I find that odd, and also a little dissatisfying, because it could form a great basis for Rin's motivations.
In terms of the biggest weaknesses in this chapter, the characterisation of Rin's sister and mother are probably the most pressing. Like Tuckster says, there's no real subtlety to them, and I find it really hard to believe that they'd be so unperturbed by Lucetta's death. It makes them seem like pantomime villains rather than real, breathing people.
The other major issue is your pacing. All of the events in this chapter happen far too quickly for their own good. You're introducing characters left, right and centre without giving us much chance to get to know them, and they go through massive emotional changes within a short space of time. Breathe out. Take your time. Rin doesn't need to rush off in the first chapter. You've already got your hook, so explore it. Rin gets the letter that Lucetta has died. But how did she die? Does the letter say? Does it not explain fully? I don't know where this story is going, but I feel like Rin's sudden decision to leave would make a lot more sense if she was in pursuit of answers rather than just wanting to pay her respects. That's an idea to consider, at least - perhaps she leaves because she wants to see the workshop and try to piece together what happened, or ask someone who might know.
You can also still keep the bad blood between Elys and Lucetta, but try to make it more complicated and subtle. See it from Elys's perspective. Why does she hate that Lucetta left? Snobbery is one option, but it's shallow and not that interesting to read about. Is there a deeper reason? Is she jealous that Lucetta felt able to shirk her responsibilities and go out into the world? Is it easier to remain angry at Lucetta than to grieve for her?
I'm honestly just spitballing here, but this is the level of detail that you need to think in. I can tell you're a competent writer; you've got an interesting premise that's brimming with potential, and your prose is very fluent. It just needs a little extra dimension. Slow down a little, think more critically about all aspects of your characters' personalities (especially the sister and mother) and maybe strengthen Rin's motivations for leaving. Then you'll have a cracking story on your hands.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Points: 46598
Reviews: 641
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