I was waiting outside, in the thunderstorm. Sheltering under a petite, mossy bridge. It was hard to light a cigarette as the wind would blow out the scorching flame. It was getting darker. Where was he?
I then heard footsteps approach. He pulled his hood off and whispered " I'm sorry I was late, I had to wait till my mum was asleep."
" It's fine" I replied. He handed me the textbook and kissed my rosy cheek. His hand was like a cosy hot water bottle sending shivers down my spine as he released the book from his hands.
" I'll see you tomorrow, okay Violet?"
"Alright..." I murmured.
The following day in school I was assigned a task with a tall, smart, handsome boy. I really couldn't complain. His name was Jimmy, he was the second best looking lad in my year. But there wasn't anything wrong with appreciating his looks, was there?
" We're not gonna be able to finish this, maybe do you wanna come to mine later?"
" Sounds sweet." he said whilst smirking.
I didn't see Tate much in school the only place we would hangout was in the dusty, lifeless library.
A couple hours later I heard a " Buzz, buzz." Coming from downstairs. Jimmy slowly walked into the house like a snail, unsure of where everything was.
We gradually finished our school work with the occasional distraction here and there. I didn't realise it at first, but we surprisingly had a lot in common. This began to feel as if there was an attraction. And from that things escalated extremely fast.
I regretted last night so much. How could I do this to Tate? I felt a pain in my stomach. I couldn't deal with the guilt. I felt as each tear rolled down my face that another breath was being taken from my lungs.
I walked shoeless on the perishing marble floor towards it. I clasped the enamel side of the tub. The lukewarm water poured down the bleached sides. I couldn't take it anymore, the guilt was eating me alive. I hesitantly placed my toes in my death bed. The waves slowly filled my lungs making everything dark and blurry. My pale body floated to the surface.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey there! Colly here for a review!
Overall, I really did like this. It was kind of short and not very detailed, though. That's one of the only things I can see that you can change. Add some more detail. There's not enough happening here. Not enough interaction between characters. Maybe try explaining these in better detail.
Colly <3
Hi mayadavid1239! CHRISSY321 here with a review! (and welcome to YWS- you are kinda new here!)
Ok, overall- I think this could have had some more detail on certain things, and could have been longer! Thus was very short, and I think got right to the point a little too fast! I think the idea for this was very interesting. Especially the end- where she ends here life for what she did. If this was real, I think there could have been better ways to solve the problem!
Okay, in the beginning I think there could have been more. Instead of Tate just coming and say hi, for the meeting- ( being I think is to be too brief) you could have made a convocation going on, because basically all that you told us went on was just some hand holding, and how he was late because of him needing to sneak out. I do like however, that you put the detail about them holding hands, and how she felt That was good!
Now, there were on typo I found in the middle.:
" We're not gonna be able to finish this, maybe do you wanna come to mine later?"
I think instead of saying: wanna come to 'mine', you should say: wanna come to 'my house later'
I think that makes more sense. The other one comes right after that, when Jimmy says:
"" Sounds sweet." he said whilst smirking."
I think you meant while there, so you may want to fix that also.
(Sorry if this review seems kinda negative! Really just trying to help!)
I think that this could be just so much better, if you could edit it and make it longer. fix some of these things, so that the story flows just a little better! If you have and questions or concerns- tell me!
Keep writing!
Hi David.
You have a nice story here, even though I have some issues with it. You do not give a lot of descriptions of the settings, and that could be a good thing, but I wished there were more here.
One thing about short stories are that they can't and shouldn't be awkwardly worded. First drafts have a lot of them, and only by reading the story over and over again and re-writing, can we unearth them. Take, for instance, this line:
This comes at the start and I, as a reader, didn't like how the narrator was saying it. The word "Then", for me, is a very sensitive word. We need to be careful when we are using it because quite a lot of times they don't add anything to the sentence and rather makes them sort of "tedious" to look at.
Similarly, we need to pay greater attention to dialogue. The person for whom the narrator seems to have been waiting for should be talking in a more "natural" way (whatever that means.). You don't need to write "my mom", when only "Mom" works. (and in my view, better.)
You could try expanding the first scene a bit more. The guy just hands Violet the Textbook (Specifics are nice. Tell the reader what kind of textbook it was. Details like this make the story more realistic.) and tells her he'll see her the next day.
When I write a story that has multiple scenes (as almost all my stories do), I try to jump from one to the other in a way the reader won't feel that s/he hasn't had enough of the previous. What I mean is, the reader is like there with you in the story, and if you change scenes without any prominent "thing" happening in it, the person reading your story will be discouraged, if that's the right word.
Descriptions like "tall, smart, handsome boy" should be avoided. They don't really tell me anything. I only picture a cliche. And I don't want to do that. Makes the work look weak. Trying to describe people is very hard. I try avoiding it as much as possible. But if you have to, try giving specific details, like the kind of clothes he was wearing, Did he have facial hair or not (if yes, then what kind?), what his eyes were like, etc.
There is nothing wrong with Violet appreciating the Jimmy's look, but the problem arises when the reader doesn't know what kind of looks we are talking about here. You don't really tell us anything substantial about him.
Also, typos.
Violet thinks she has a lot in common with Jimmy. Giving us examples of some of those would help the reader understand her actions more.
The things our characters do are very important. Their actions define them. The ending makes Violet not as interesting as I had hoped she'd be. It's naive. Too naive. I don't get it. Maybe because there isn't much happening. You need to work on Violet more.
If you have only written this now, then I suggest you leave it, and come back after a few days to it. Read it again. Re-write. This is a nice enough story and you can make it better. Way better. Feel free to ask me any question you have.
Un.