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waffle house

by mavisknightley


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

**this piece was written in memoir style; however, i need some help. i feel like my transitions are rough, and i am so close to the situation that i am writing about that i cannot tell if it is coherent or not. does it all make sense? do you have any questions as a reader that are left unanswered? thanks so much!!!  

-mav

_____________________________________________________________________

I exhale and watch my breath materialize before me, stars clouded above, on a Tuesday night. I am sitting beside a dingy snow bank on the dingy sidewalk of a dingy Waffle House, in a town that I do not know. My boyfriend and an untouched meal remain inside, awaiting my return.

What is wrong with me? I think to myself fiercely.

If my father were here, everything would be okay. I need my Dad. Just one more time.

And with that thought, I begin to cry.

I have never felt so lost or alone in my life.

Before me, I face what feels like the most important decision I will ever make. Life determining. No turning back. Forever.

My boyfriend of one year and I are planning to move in together in just a few short weeks. We have been talking about this, planning this, working hard for this, for months. I have taken on extra jobs to save money. After months of searching and interviewing and tie selecting, he landed a fantastic job in the city to support us while I finish my degree. We have visited countless apartments, made numerous budgets, and we have been to Ikea three times in the past two months.

This. Is happening.

But for some reason, I cannot shake this sinking, panicked feeling. It feels like, for the first time, the globe has been cracked open in front of me, waiting for my hands to shovel out as much earth as I have ever wished to possess. Now, with the whole world seemingly within arms reach, I feel like I cannot make one wrong move.

It is terrifying.

Before I attempt to unpack all of that I must rewind a bit, to one and a half years previous. I was twenty one, and in the middle of my first year at community college.

This sounds pretty unextraordinary. To me, however, it was huge.

I come from a household that was run, without exaggeration, like a cult. My parents had a vice grip upon everything I did. To paint a brief idea of what my adult home life was like, I offer three fun facts:

  1. I was not allowed to go anywhere, talk to anyone, or do anything without permission.
  2. I never received permission.
  3. I was not allowed to shave my legs.

I was homeschooled for a majority of my educational career, and spent every possible moment with my parents. It was a damn miracle that I was allowed to go to college.

In an environment that operated with this level of control, there came a point where I found myself both old enough to legally drink but oddly (disappointingly) unable to attain a driver’s license. I could not make simple decisions for myself, such as when to go to bed, or what deodorant to choose, and I had never been alone in my life.

There was also the constant turbulence in the house to consider. Not one week went by without a knock down, drag out fight. Even as an adult I would sit with my back to a wall if my mother entered the room, as she had a tendency toward surprise attacks when she was upset with me. If I could see her coming, I could avoid the swing of her fist. And as much as I love both of my parents, as much as I respected them and tried to do things their way, I eventually reached a breaking point.

Eight months into my journey at school, I started to realize just how much I had missed over the course of the last two decades, and how much growing I had to do in order to keep up with the world around me.

In early August I moved out of my home and now, a year and a half later, my family will not speak to me. They were always against the idea of moving out, and refuse to forgive me for my choice. They ignore my attempts to contact them, and forget about me during holidays. My father, who was once my hero and my best friend, has stated that he likely will not come to my wedding. (That was kind of a bummer.)

Overnight, I went from having constant guidance to being entirely on my own, and I feel that acutely tonight.

It has been a struggle to adjust in the past year, as my daily life has changed dramatically. Something that my boyfriend has to practice with me often is making decisions. He sits back, with his chosen indifference, as I panic about whatever task is on my current plate. Where do you want to eat, Mavis? What movie do you want to watch, Mavis? What would you like to do this weekend, Mavis?

It sounds silly to have to practice such simple questions. I had never been able to exercise choice before. It terrifies me to think that I could choose the wrong option.

I look up at the grey-purple sky, the Waffle House sign glowing dimly yellow in the foreground, and wonder what to do. I wonder why I am like this.

The argument that I just walked away from replays in my mind, slowly, as I attempt to piece together what happened. I am pausing and rewinding, searching for what I did wrong. Suddenly, I flash back to age thirteen. All I can see is grey carpeting, which is pressed in my face as my father twists me into a painful post-argument pretzel on the floor of his office. I had never been afraid of him before that happened.

I realize: Although I know my boyfriend will never hurt me like that, I panicked because we were arguing, and then I ran away.

Then, like an avalanche, a slurry of worries hits me all at once; everything that has been bouncing around in my subconscious for weeks. What if moving in together doesn’t work? What if he finds out what I’m really like? What if he gets bored with me or frustrated with me? What if something goes wrong and I lose him forever? What if the decision becomes the worst mistake of my life? What if I can’t make it better?

Feeling this panic rise within, I try to gain control. What are my options? I ask myself aloud, panting like a marathon runner. I’m rocking back and forth, gripping my boots with my fingernails, leaving little crescent moons behind in the leather.

Am I giving away my independence by living with him? Am I finding it? Did I ever truly know what independence was to begin with? Is my life over? Is it just beginning?

What is the right decision here???

And then, I whisper to myself, “Slow the fuck down, Mavis.”

Shivering, I stare at the ring on my left hand. It is thin and unassuming, made from black ceramic and dark coffee-colored wood. He and I had pored over the selection of these rings many months ago, to be our promise rings. When they arrived in the mail, and we placed them on each other’s hands, I felt a warmth roll throughout me. I knew that with him was where I belonged. I remember the moment he offered to marry me, so that I (with my myriad of medical concerns) could share his outstanding benefits at his new job. I remember the tears of relief that I cried when he explained me that, “two people who love each other will work through anything” because my family didn’t want to work through anything. They just abandoned people.

And staring in wonder at this meek little ring, I realize… The decision has already been made. I have already chosen… him. There was never a question about that.

I had made a decision and I didn’t even know it.

Sitting in a dirty Waffle House fifteen feet away from me, probably worried sick right now, is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have the thing that everyone searches for. There is no settling here, there is no ‘eh, this will do I guess.’ It doesn’t get better than this.

He is planning our future together, and working hard for it. He puts me first. He proves, time and time again, that my happiness is his utmost priority. He is willing to put up with my weird challenges and default settings and I know that he would move as many mountains for me, as I would for him.

In my mind, everything falls into place like it was never in shambles. Everything aligns smoothly as if Martha Stewart had invaded my mind for an organizational intervention.

We aren’t playing at something fantastical anymore. We plan to get engaged in the next six months. Everything is going to change, a lot. And that’s okay. Whatever comes our way, whatever happens, we will figure it out.

Feeling steady once more, I stand and inhale the cold winter air before opening the door and reentering the restaurant. I take my place at the bar by his side, knowing that in the end no matter what choices I make, or what mistakes I stumble over, we will be okay. I know where I belong.


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47 Reviews


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Wed Mar 06, 2019 9:59 am
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Jyva wrote a review...



sup, mavis. two years ago you asked me for a review buuuuuut i never got to doing it and im here now. i think ive reviewed one of your thingos before, but - yeah i just checked it was poetry and i gave you barely anything besides a compliment for the pattern you had in it. this is a narrative thing! but im not really sure if it's fictional or non-fictional. i get the feeling that it is a retelling of a real-life experience that you've had (and if it is, i feel for ya and hope things are going ok), but it's listed as a "realistic narrative" so i cant be too sure. for the sake of the review i'm going to treat it as a fictional piece that's meant to entertain, reasoning being that it'd be the best approach for both scenarios. if this IS about you and it's a memoir about your experiences, you can ignore most of it, really. please forgive me if i call your life boring or say that it needs more dragons.

it's all well-written enough to be easily understood, flows alright, and i dont think i caught any spelling/grammar problems. i'm gonna be picking some nits.

aight les go


>My boyfriend and an untouched meal remain inside, awaiting my return.

so i give every piece i review a read-through first before going over again to actually start critiquing. this piece is a pretty damn dramatic one - too dramatic, i feel, considering all you're - uh, the character's - doing is sit and think. but to bring this particular sentence in line with the rest, i feel that's what you need. compared to the tone of the rest of your writing here it feels too plain. it reads like a line from a grand fantasy novel or an old poem like Ozymandias, except the subject matter is an untouched meal and a boyfriend, instead of two big feet in the sand.

OR, if you want to tone down the drama as im going to advise later, you can leave it as-is. this is a pretty extreme nitpick, anyway. im just trying to find ANYTHING wrong with this lol


>What is wrong with me? I think to myself fiercely.

ahh, dialogue descriptives. how ive missed you. they do have a place in writing, but here "fiercely" feels weak (which is ironic, considering what the word is describing). im not really sure how to replace it, but it does definitely sound out of place.


>What is wrong with me? I think to myself fiercely.

If my father were here, everything would be okay. I need my Dad. Just one more time.

And with that thought, I begin to cry.

I have never felt so lost or alone in my life.

Before me, I face what feels like the most important decision I will ever make. Life determining. No turning back. Forever.

------------------
SHORT SENTENCES PEW PEW PEW. gee golly gosh. 10 out of 11 of those sentences right there were all short. maybe 8 or 9 if you reaaaally wanna be harsh on the criteria. damn. that's a lot. short sentences are best used sparingly for dramatic effect, and right after the first paragraph you riddle your reader full of them.

im gonna make a sweeping statement here that applies to the rest of the work: although the subject of this piece does elicit some drama, i feel that youve turned it up too much in some places, especially here - AGAIN, im going to apologize for my own critique because you may well have been feeling that amount of melancholy as you were writing it, this possibly being your own personal experience - but to an outside observer, i believe that is the case. and the main progenitors of the melodrama are the short sentences that you've used. there's just too dang many of em, in this bit i've quoted and further on throughout the piece. imo.


>My boyfriend of one year and I are planning to move in together in just a few short weeks. We have been talking about this, planning this, working hard for this, for months. I have taken on extra jobs to save money. After months of searching and interviewing and tie selecting, he landed a fantastic job in the city to support us while I finish my degree. We have visited countless apartments, made numerous budgets, and we have been to Ikea three times in the past two months.

a fantastic paragraph that's well balanced and conveys the feeling that (i think) you were trying to convey. noice job


>I come from a household that was run, without exaggeration, like a cult. My parents had a vice grip upon everything I did. To paint a brief idea of what my adult home life was like, I offer three fun facts:

I was not allowed to go anywhere, talk to anyone, or do anything without permission.
I never received permission.
I was not allowed to shave my legs.
I was homeschooled for a majority of my educational career, and spent every possible moment with my parents. It was a damn miracle that I was allowed to go to college.

those werent fun facts at all :(
i'll take this opportunity to again express my condolences for you (if this was your life). especially on the bit about not being able to shave your legs. im a dude. i love having smooth legs.


>My father, who was once my hero and my best friend, has stated that he likely will not come to my wedding.

...the hero who watched your mum beat you? obviously i dont know all the facts, buuuut you havent mentioned him trying to stop her or anything, so this is odd.


>I look up at the grey-purple sky, the Waffle House sign glowing dimly yellow in the foreground, and wonder what to do. I wonder why I am like this.

i wonder how cold my food has gotten by now


>All I can see is grey carpeting, which is pressed in my face as my father twists me into a painful post-argument pretzel on the floor of his office. I had never been afraid of him before that happened.

i honestly had real trouble trying to figure out what that meant. are you saying he beat you, too? how the heck would you consider him a hero in that case


>What is the right decision here???

you get only get one question mark. i know, i know, im a nazi.


>I remember the tears of relief that I cried when he explained me that, “two people who love each other will work through anything” because my family didn’t want to work through anything.

a wise man once said, "you need a comma before the end of that quote," because that was the truth and he was wise and wise men say truthful things mostly.


>I had made a decision and I didn’t even know it.

were you high while you were saying your vows or something wh-


>Sitting in a dirty Waffle House fifteen feet away from me,

the waffle house that you've pointed out like three times now


>In my mind, everything falls into place like it was never in shambles. Everything aligns smoothly as if Martha Stewart had invaded my mind for an organizational intervention.

you had that drama going, and then you had me going "what" with that metaphor at the end lol


>I know where I belong.

THE KITCHE- sorry. inner 12 year old. bad joke. good luck with your future or something




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Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:36 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey there! Here as requested.

So, I really loved this! I like how there’s a pretty constant theme throughout the story - the idea to make choice and a sense of belonging. And while the title may be irrelevant at first, I really think it ties in to that sense of belonging I’m guessing you were going for (I like how she [or you, lol] finally returns inside the Waffle House as if she finally feels like she belongs).

I exhale and watch my breath materialize before me, stars clouded above, on a Tuesday night.


I like this hook - it really sets the mood. However, it feels a little clunky/out of place with the “on a Tuesday night” attached at the end of it which I think makes this starting sentence less strong. I think you could even just omit it, or, if Tuesday night is necessary, maybe include it in the next few lines.

Regarding your questions -

Transitions:

Work pretty smoothly! There was a fair amount of jumping between past/present but I think you did a good job with the flow of things.

Coherent:

To me, everything seemed pretty coherent! I wasn’t ever confused about what was happening (there was a moment where i was confused for a second about whether she was living at home during college, but then I realized it was community college, haha. Probably just a me-mistake but thought I’d mention it nonetheless).

Any Questions:

This isn’t really a question, rather a desire: I wish there was a little snippet of something with her father that shows him as a good person. He’s described as a hero and a best friend but I wish there was some heartfelt scene of memory that shows this. This is also because the memoir starts off with her wishing her father was there.

I think that’s all I have to review. I do want to say that, since this is a personal narrative, I’m glad you have reached a point in your life where you feel comfortable and like you belong! All the best.

~ EternalRain






Thank you so much! I really appreciate your time, this helps a lot. :)



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Tue Jan 08, 2019 6:35 pm
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agronaa wrote a review...



I actually really love this! I feel like you've really mastered the simultaneously nostalgic and uncanny memoir-ish tone. It's definitely coherent, although obviously not perfect.
I'd first like to get out of the way the two pedantic grammar things I noticed, one of which is more a suggestion than a correction. I feel like the sentence "What is the right decision here???" might actually be more impactful with only one question mark, but that's really up to you. The other thing is just that you don't need the comma in "I know that he would move as many mountains for me, as I would for him." It makes the sentence feel a little stilted.
As for your transitions, they seem fine to me - although perhaps in the beginning you lean a little to hard on the use of single sentences as whole paragraphs?
Overall I just really love the tone you've used in this and I feel like you've very much conveyed the simultaneously claustro and agrophobic feeling of contemplating your life in the dark parking lot of a chain restaurant.






Thank you!




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