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Young Writers Society


16+

No No No

by maventemple


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Why is it we are so quick to let negativity into our lives?

Why is it that we will say no to people trying to improve themselves?

But are so quick to accept an invite to that party?

Why is it that we will say no to honesty?

But yes to a bittersweet lie?

Why is it we will say no to a beautiful infatuation?

But yes to a shitty relationship and meaningless sex?

Why do we say yes to a life of mediocrity?

But criticise the extraordinary?

Why is it we are so quick to say yes to religion?

Yet we can’t even believe in ourselves?

Why is it we say yes to being alive?

When most of us aren’t even living?


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Sun Sep 27, 2015 9:27 pm
copgraveyard wrote a review...



This wasn't deep.

I don't like when people have egos in poetry. That's something that gets on my nerves. Yes, cool, you so know what we're doing wrong in life. It seems like the narrator is saying that they're way better than everybody else. Why do you have to say that? It feels unnecessary, really. It's only insulting to the reader and it doesn't make you look good. I do like the question set up and the flow of the lines, but it's the personality I don't like. I'm going to look in my mirror and realize that I'm still the same.




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Wed Sep 16, 2015 12:40 am
camillefalgout wrote a review...



This poem is so deep, and so true. I applaud you for it! I absolutely love how this truly explains life, or else I feel that it does! I really like how you put each line in question form, it's different. I also like the repetition of "Why" and "But". Even though this does not have a lot of structure, it seems pretty ok! Keep up the good work.




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Fri Sep 04, 2015 10:35 pm
ThisIsTMarie wrote a review...



Lovely poem.
It gives us a lot to think about. A lot of it is hypocrisy, really.
I especially love the last two lines. It reminds me of the quote: "All of us want to go to Heaven, but none of us want to die." We all want one thing, but have to give up another to get it.
This poem is so much like our society today. Especially the lines: "Why is it we will say no to a beautiful infatuation? But yes to a shitty relationship ad meaningless sex?" I feel like today's youth (Including me) has done this far too often. For example if I were to find out someone had a crush on me that I found repulsive...I would say "No way!" and here I am in a crappy relationship that i'm only in for sex (NOT that I am!). Teenagers give up themselves to someone meaningless to them, when someone who really loves that person, for the right reasons, is off to the side being ignored.

I don't know if any of that made sense to you, but in all, it was a wonderful poem. I look forward to reading more from you.

---TMarie




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Thu Sep 03, 2015 1:02 pm
Harker wrote a review...



Hey there, maventemple. Welcome to YWS! I'm here to review your poem and provide suggestions on where to go from here. First, let's talk about style.

I felt like, phrasing and flow wise, the questions in this poem were more of a burden than anything. They often cut off the lines awkwardly and make the poem sound more bitter than thought-provoking. Now, I understand that you /do/ want to have a bitter, angry voice as a poet, but there are simpler ways to do that than with these question marks which don't lead to real questions. That being said, I do like the execution of some of these lines, like "Why do we say yes to a life of mediocrity? / But criticise the extraordinary?" This isn't the best punctuated phrase, however. I feel like there would be more clarity if you wrote something like, "Why do we say yes to a life of mediocrity, / but criticise the extraordinary?" The question marks as a whole serve to clutter up the poem and stop up its flow and don't really communicate anything in particular.

Now, onto content. Putting aside the negative tone of the poem, I have to say--this is basically a whine. I apologize for being so harsh, but that's what it sounds like and what your readers would interpret it like. Especially some of these statements like, "But yes to a shitty relationship and meaningless sex?" This sounds like you're complaining about a specific scenario, which yes, some of your readers can relate to, but not enough that it provokes any thought. This is something some people coming out of a relationship complain about and talk about, and some of those people may read the poem, but you're not /reaching out/ to anyone here. Not even on a negative level.

As you write, there does seem to be a bit of a build up to /something/--what it is, we don't know yet--but I don't see anything. There's no final, beautiful question. There /is/ a question (well, sort of), but it's not final at all. It doesn't provoke any thought or engagement from your readers and it doesn't help you connect to your audience. Some of the points you make in this poem are good, but you don't elaborate on them and provide too many specific scenarios to really be able to interact with your audience on a human level. Poems like this are hard to write, I understand. You need to both communicate with your readers and know them well enough to communicate with them, and the latter is more difficult for you. Take this poem as a reminder of what you have to improve on and keep on writing!

IronSpark




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Tue Sep 01, 2015 4:29 pm
Ayesha92 wrote a review...



Hello,

Well I loved the way you portrayed it! Basically you brought out all those bitter things of life which we as humans really need to look upon!
Well if I am not wrong as in first few lines you are questioning and then you are saying a statement/line which lead to those phases in life! All these things makes a person to think we're he/she is going wrong!
It's same concept as " if we can't support true,then we shouldn't support wrong as well"

Well you won't find my review as good as others! Because today only I joined this forum and this is my second review/comment on work! So kindly ignore the boring review from my side! :P

I am looking forward for more piece of work! I'd love to read more of your work! Keep writing!

Keep smiling! :)




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Tue Sep 01, 2015 4:12 pm
klennon14 wrote a review...



First and foremost, I completely agree with the message you employ in this insightful poem. The more eloquent words are not overdone, and you used them in just the right places! My favorite lines are "Why is it that we will say no to honesty? / But yes to a bittersweet lie?" These two lines flow together nicely and have a nice ring. As MialyNire wrote below, I think cutting out a few of the "will"'s can make this poem stronger.
The last two lines, "Why is it we say yes to being alive? / When most of us aren’t even living?," I have to applaud you for this ending! So simple, yet impactful. Wouldn't change a thing about that :)
I enjoyed how the entire poem is comprised of questions, it makes the reader think deeply about their own life. Although, these question are quite broad. Perhaps draw a little more on a specific personal experience you have endured?
Now, I do agree with some of the comments below. I think you need to add more details to anchor the poem down, and grab hold of the reader. Just a little tweaking and editing is all!




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Tue Sep 01, 2015 2:59 pm
deleted21 wrote a review...



Uh Hello there

first of all, i want to say, i liked it :) Your structure is nice too. I liked your style of throwing questions. It represents a strong writing style. Now you've picked quite a lot of issues and i agree with them as a reader.

Now, as we all know, there are always ways in which we can improve ourselves. So, let me go to that step. I think I'm gonna do it line-by-line.

Why is it we are so quick to let negativity into our lives?


How's this- Why is it we are so quick to let negativity come into our lives?

Why is it that we will say no to people trying to improve themselves?


Just cut the word "Will" It's gonna do better that way as well.

But are so quick to accept an invite to that party?
Add the previous line and this with a comma rather than using a question mark.

And, it'd be better if you could italicize some words in the middle, especially the "Yes" ones. Otherwise, this is a very strongly written poem, i totally loved it! :D just few nitpicks which i believe you can fix with just a proofreading.

We all are here to learn after all.

AND, welcome to the site!

~Nire.




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Tue Sep 01, 2015 2:57 pm
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PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hullo there, Maventemple,

I appreciate what you're trying to do here. You're introducing a juxtaposition of ideas throughout the poem in an effort to encourage introspection on the part of the reader. I'm not sure it's necessarily working for you as yet.

While the back and forth statements are an okay way to go, your poem is lacking a level of engagement for your audience. I get the negativity, and you're definitely talking about things most people will be able to recognise of their own thoughts or lives, but you don't provide any development on the ideas. In the end this feels more like a cathartic expression of a daily annoyance rather than a poetic expression. I'd like to suggest you think about including some imagery or description to expand on your core concept. The core concept itself is absolutely fine - the idea is engaging and has merit - but you need to work on how effective your expression is. This may be by shifting the format of your poem, having clearly delineated couplets or subcategories you explore.

Ultimately where I think your poem is going off the rails is that it provides no avenue for future thought. Or, while minimally thought provoking it goes no further than a scratch on the surface, ending in a unsatisfying lack of resolution. Not that your poem needs to have a resolution necessarily, but it does need to clarify itself at this point to justify it's purpose. The ending is anticlimactic and I feel like you could lift it to make a strong point about the future, or even a more overt comment on the topic at hand.

Poetry isn't easy to write, and it's awesome to see you giving it a go with this piece. I like the conviction and strong sense of purpose your poem seems to have, that works really well for it. I'm not so into the expression, which I think needs more imagery or description to really engage your audience and elevate your poem. I hope this commentary in some way helps.

Thanks for posting,
- Penguin.




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Tue Sep 01, 2015 2:57 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hello there!

I did as you instructed; looked in the mirror once I was through. I saw myself being a goof again. :P Anyway, care for a review?

This had a lot of truths in it, I think, for some people. I found it hard to connect to because a lot of these struggles that you described I haven't had- in the way you described them. I like the concept behind this idea though, people are quite contradictory, and we do things that aren't always good for us, while the thing that is good for us slowly fades like cheap ink on a tie-die shirt.

Why is it that we will say no to people trying to improve themselves?


What did you mean by this? Do you mean like, say for instance I want to be an artist, and I draw a lot, and my parents see me drawing and say things like "you draw too much"- is that what you mean? It's worded a little strange though, and I'm not sure how you could fix it without ruining the "no" theme of the poem. But I'm sure you'll think of something if you decide you want to change that.

I see a lack of consistency in your scheming. One minute you have this:

Why is it that we will say no to people trying to improve themselves?

But are so quick to accept an invite to that party?


No pattern in the lines content. And the next you have this;

Why is it that we will say no to honesty?

But yes to a bittersweet lie?


See the pattern you've created with the two lines? What is the opposite of truth? Lies. The above example is stronger then your previous line, plus consistency will do a lot for any poem, in my opinion; unless it's completely random from the start. But if you do one patterned line, or two, then you leave us expecting more- we know you have the capabilities by this point!

Personally I think these two lines should have gone together:

Why is it we are so quick to say yes to religion?


and

But criticise the extraordinary?


They make more sense together, in my opinion, whereas on their own they're just kind of out there.

Anyway, I hope you found this helpful! Keep up the poeting, my friend! See you around!

-Socks




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Tue Sep 01, 2015 2:33 pm
elysian wrote a review...



Hello!

Gonna try and squeeze in a review while in class!

Okay, so first off, your first two lines are "Why" questions, and then you settle into the structure of asking a question, and then you say "But" etc.

I would keep that structure, so fix your first few lines :-)

At the end, you say "Yet" instead of "But" and you also say "When" instead of "But". This interrupts the flow of this poem.

Also, when you describe relationships as "shitty", it throws off the flow as well. Most of your word choice is pretty mature, and "shitty" sticks out in the wrong way. I understand why you put it there, to put more emphasis on how...well shitty the relationship is. Just find a more mature word, it'll come across more polished :-)

I hope this helps in some way ~

-Del





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