Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
A Tuesday like every other Tuesday. Her alarm clock made the same beeping noise it did every other day of the week, and with a bit of willpower she turned the alarm clock off and dragged herself out of bed. The jeans she pulled on had a stain of coffee from yesterday – but it was alright. It was that or be naked. She guzzled mouthwash as she fumbled with her stubborn jacket zipper. Locking her apartment door behind her, she descended the many flights of stairs and got inside her faded blue car, falling apart like an ancient carousel at an abandoned carnival. She shivered in the stale air of the night that occupied the car, and with the heater long-broken she zipped her jacket as high as she could. She did every morning.
As she drove into the city the sun peaked over the horizon, making the frosty windshields of every car sparkle. In a line of three tired cars, she waited at an espresso stand for her morning cup of energy. Considering her weight was not as non-existent as the models she saw in her Cosmo magazine, she ordered a nonfat latte.
And her little mistake was not glancing to the left again as she re-entered the flow of traffic. In just a few timeless seconds a car slammed into the driver’s door, and her life was taken from her faster than fingers can be snapped. Within minutes a crowd had gathered, eyes glistening with tears and hands covering their faces to hide the pool of blood that was now lingering among the dirty street.
And her latte sat there in the cup holder in front of the stereo. Now society had exactly what they wanted. A woman who was so empty, so skinny, that she was barely there. And now she simply wasn’t there.
And in the grand scheme of things, nothing changed. There was simply one less person in a world of many.
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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hello hello. I will give you a review.
It took me a little bit to get into this, but by the end I was satisfied with your idea you have expressed. However I do have some advice to help you improve this and I am sorry if it comes across a little harsh.
I found the beginning very weak compared to the second half. At first I felt like it was going to be a first-person like narrative, crudely written in third person. I feel that the beginning is far too personal and irrelevant. I like how the end is so dismissive and after she gets to the car it gives us a nice taste of how sociologically 'normal' she is. However the beginning I feel needs a drastic improvement. These types of stories are made to shock your reader into a message. The start of your story dulls the reader into expecting something completely different. One thing I really like is the lack of identification of the character but the thing that I think do not work for the beginning are the following:
(first I want to say that the first sentence is really good, its the next part I was referring to.)
I feel that this line is not very good in creating your mood because of the following reasons.
1. If you are going for a typical female on her normal day she isn't going to wear coffee stained jeans.
2. If she is in this much poverty that she can not afford to buy some more pants she will not be able to afford the cost of running a car. I am also saying that society influenced females care about what people think about them and care about being clean. She uses mouthwash clearly... she also can afford mouthwash.
3. At the end, "but it was alright... naked." Is almost a snippet of interior monologue which doesn't suit the style of this. Realistically shes not going anywhere naked, the statement in number 2 applies. Again using mouthwash as an example, which is in effect, a useless thing, deemed 'needed' through advertisement. her priorities are wrong if she chooses mouthwash over clothes.
Far far far far too descriptive, especially for your story. It is a short story with a message, therefor every word counts and has to mean something. I like the imagery but it doesn't double as a metaphor and in effect is entirely useless. I think that you may like your description you have here, so don't kill it completely if you are proud, but this is what I suggest you shorten it to.
"faded car, falling apart like an ancient carousel. "
Finally:
Then
You don't need both of these, they are very similar, repeating what you have already said. You should get rid of one of them or combine it later, such as getting rid of the first one and then saying in one go. "She fumbled with her stubborn jacket zipper as she pulled it up as high as she could."
As I said, the rest is very good, it was just those first sections I think you need to improve on. Remember, every word must be placed for a reason. Any word that is more than three letters I want you to stop and think. Why am I using this word? Why is it here? what is it for?
The rest could do with a little polish, and maybe additions, since the car thing and the death seems to come quite abruptly. I also agree with the first review. You are trying to tackle two different themes here and it really doesn't work within one another. One is that society pressures women (yet she wears these stain jeans?) and second is that people die everyday and it doesn't even matter in the end. I think you should go for the second message and just cut the woman being thin thing complete and re-write that part. The magazine part is fine, as it reflects something in her daily life that she might worry about, but don't elaborate on it and also change the second to last paragraph to reflect the final paragraphs theme (which was good) rather than this random secondary one.
Hey, here to leave a review!
This is a great short that is successfully thought-provoking (as I am sure you meant it to be). I myself love to question society so I was extremely happy to read this piece. You have great lines of description that tell a simple story yet brings out powerful emotions when we read this.
"A Tuesday like every other Tuesday." I think this is brilliant opening line and when put into context with the whole story it serves as a preface on its own. Its just another simple day and a simple someone has died yet everything stays the same. Its still a tuesday just like any other. But then its also a massive contradiction. Its not an average tuesday; someones life has ended. I love the subtle message behind such a simple sentence.
Every line in this piece has the same impact in my mind however I think that line is my favourite. Actually its a tie between that line and the last two sentences. So powerful its a sad kind of beauty. The story makes us question how we live our lives and how we react to the loss of a life, no matter how seemingly insignificant they seem to be. Your tittle is absolutely perfect for this! I am super jealous that you thought of such a great name.
In terms of grammar and spelling I couldn't spot any mistakes. However,
"Her alarm clock made the same beeping noise it did every other day of the week, and with a bit of willpower she turned the alarm clock off and dragged herself out of bed."
this line seems too long. I think the grammar is fine (I am not an expert) but maybe if you put it into smaller sentences it would flow better and add more impact. Just a suggestion.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this piece and am excited to read more works like this. Keep up the great work!
~ Valkyrie
Hi there, let's get this going shall we?
First off, I'd like to start with the first part we as an audience notice about this work, the title. Society Wins. Before I went into this piece, I was expecting a sort of tragedy (which I guess this technically was) about someone who tried to overcome societal norms but ultimately fails and lets themselves conform to the norm. And I guess that's what you were trying to say with this piece, only that's not what it says at all.
Instead, it's about a woman who feels pressure from society to feel thin and accidentally dies in a car crash. Your line "Now society had exactly what they wanted. A woman who was so empty, so skinny, that she was barely there. And now she simply wasn't there." sums up what you were going for, only that's not what happened. The problem with this piece is that it doesn't make good on its premise. Society doesn't win, she simply makes a mistake driving and dies as a result. Society didn't force the car to kill her or force her to make an error behind the wheel, society had nothing to do with that, and the result is that the message of this piece doesn't exist. Society didn't win, there was no battle being fought.
Technically, the first two paragraphs were pretty good. Nice imagery. Really built this image of a character glum and downtrodden by society. Very grey and somber, which worked well for this piece. But as soon as you describe the car crash, it falls apart. Your last three paragraphs start with "and", which is very awkward on account of how short they are. It feels like a barrage of "and's" and gives the last bit a seriously clunky feeling. The third paragraphs is also really clunky and doesn't flow well.
"In a few timeless seconds" is bizarre phrasing because by their very nature seconds cannot be timeless as they're a measurement of time. "Her life was taken from her faster than fingers can be snapped" is bizarre because when I think of things that are really, really fast, I think of blinking or bullets or something, not fingers snapping. Lastly, "the pool of blood that was now lingering among the dirty street." is weird because you say it lingers among the dirty street, but among implies it's in it or surrounded by it, like the blood is standing around a crowd of streets. Maybe something like "congealed atop the cold asphalt" or something would work better, but that word choice just doesn't work or make sense.
Lastly, I guess, when it says "And in the grand scheme of things, nothing changed. There was simply one less person in a world of many." the story simply doesn't work because, returning to my first point, there are no stakes. Of course nothing changed, no attempt was made to change anything. There was no struggle, no conflict, no possibility of change, so the ending doesn't work.
Anyways, hope this helps.
-Loller