Published May 8, 2015
Lisbeth grinned as she watched the demons rush towards the small village of Misty Moor, where she had been staying for the past week. The rumors of an impending attack had drawn the young, reckless, battle-hungry girl to the town, and she was delighted to find that they were true.
She tethered her horse to a tree a safe distance away and put on her armor.
"My first real battle!" Wriggling into her breastplate, she patted the cream-colored mare on the nose. "Isn't it exciting, Hyacinth? It's much better than working in the apple orchards all day."
Hyacinth let out a snort, stamping her hooves to let her owner know that she was very opposed to being tied up.
"I know, I know. I'll see you after the big fight!" With a wave, she stuck on her ill-fitting helmet and ran to Misty Moor.
However, before she could reach the fray, she felt a sharp, excruciating pain in the base of her neck. As she fell to the ground, she heard a demonic laugh and her vision blurred, giving way to a pitch black darkness, like the night sky without stars.
A shroud of sparkling light covered her body, soft and flowing like silk. Not knowing what to think, she tried to speak. Her vocal cords strained, but she could hear nothing but the sound of the wind. She felt alone and frightened, floating in the darkness with no idea what had happened.
Then it dawned on her. The pain. The laugh. Was she...dead? No, that couldn't be. She was too young to die.
"Lisbeth..." A gentle voice came from behind her, and she whipped around, startled.
The being looked around her age, and his deep pink hair fluttered in the soft breeze of the void. He wore a cream-colored shirt with mutton sleeves and a purple vest with bronze floral decorations at the hemline. His floor-length pink skirt was slightly transparent, revealing simple leggings that matched his shirt. Around his waist was a wide, dark mauve belt with details reminiscent of the ones on his vest.
Lisbeth couldn't help but stare at him as he fixed his bronze circlet and straightened his collar.
"Hello. I'm Sylvan, your Guardian." His voice was a nice tone; not too deep, yet not too high. It had an underlaying richness that was comforting, and made everything seem alright. "You might be able to speak now. Go on, try it."
"H-hello there." Lisbeth said with a floating curtsy. "I'm sorry, but what exactly is a Guardian?"
"Oh?" He arched an eyebrow, letting out a chuckle. "I'm surprised at you. Not many humans don't know about my kind. But since you asked, I'm your protector, the one who watches over you, your...guardian. Even though I can't interfere too frequently, I help you out to the best of my ability. I've wanted to meet you for a very long time."
"It's nice to meet you, then." She beamed. "It's reassuring knowing I have someone to watch over me. Now, what am I doing here?"
"I hate to say it, but you're...dead. This would normally be when I escort you to Auraena...but the Master I serve has allowed me to revive you on one condition."
I knew it. Death would explain the pain still throbbing at the nape of her neck. "What's this condition?"
"You must extinguish the Demon Queen, Xera. She's been causing Arianoch far to much trouble for far too long. However, you need to be less reckless."
"I was too eager, wasn't I?"
"You ask a lot of questions, don't you?" Sylvan grinned. He then produced a small velvet bag with floral accents and a bronze stud in the middle. "Here. This pouch has been used by me and my sister to communicate with our various wards for a very long time. I'll send you letters occasionally, and Isolde might as well if the need arises."
Lisbeth took it, feeling its plush fabric on her cold fingers. "Thank you. May I come back to life now?"
He chuckled again. "Yes, of course. Find allies and remember your quest, dear one."
~~~
Lisbeth's chest began to rise and fall steadily as she regained her life. But she wasn't in her armor. Instead she was dressed in her usual outfit: a white, lace trimmed, off-shoulder blouse, dark ( )own corset, and simple burnt orange skirt. Her dark, mussed-up ringlets fell messily around her sleeping face, partially obscuring her nose.
She clutched the pouch in one fist, and her mother's golden hair-clip in the other. Mumbling about pink hair, she rolled over...right into a pile of fresh fertilizer.
"Gah!" What an awful way to be ressurected.
"Moo!" A nearby cow toppled over, looking like rigor mortis had just set in.
That's odd. Did I do that? The instant the thought crossed her mind, she chided herself.Lisbeth Cortland, that's the stupidest notion ever. You don't have magic!
An excited neigh silenced her thoughts.
"Hyacinth!" Lisbeth ran to greet the horse. "How did you find me?"
Of course, there was no answer, but one wasn't needed. The reunion was happy nonetheless. The girl laughed as she pinned her bangs back and then tied the pouch around her waist.
"Whoa!" A pink glow emitted from the bronze stud, and she could faintly hear Sylvan's voice whisper "I'm counting on you...there's a note in the bag."
Curious, she reached into it and pulled out its contents. There were various seed packets containing different magical crops, other seed packets carrying normal plants, and a crisp sheet of parchment folded into a flower. She unfolded it carefully.
"To remind you of your quest, here's a note. Keep it with you." She read aloud. "Find and defeat Xera. I trust in you. Yours in life and death, Sylvan."
Hyacinth whinnied and tossed her blonde mane.
"I will, Sylvan. I promise." Lisbeth hid a smile, even though there was no reason for doing so. The last two words sounded nice to say, so she repeated them. "I promise."
~~~
Sylvan let out a sigh of relief as he watched his young ward. Nearby, his sister paced, long icy blue hair pulled up into a ponytail, as per usual.
"You think she's going to be alright, Sylvan?"
"I know she will be, Isolde. I just know it."
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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127,785 Literary Works • 671,486 Reviews
Resurrected, I think. Slight typo.
Lisbeth seems like quite a chirpy girl for someone who died. I think I like her. Is she meant to be a blasé character?
If I were starting this story, I'd cut out the portion about changing into armor. That just takes away from the dramatics. There's a couple of key, dramatic moments that I'd rather start the story off at. I'd start it at the exact moment she died (Oh shit, Lisbeth thought, and then she was dead.) Or I'd start it off at the moment when she gets her mission from her Guardian.
Drama is a good hook, and stories should start with good hooks.
If there's a point to be made about first battle and recklessness, I'd rather throw it into her conversation with the Guardian, in an offhanded way.
But overall, a pretty good idea, and a interesting character you're starting out with here.
Hey there! Just passed by to say a few things!
I think you need to rephrase this. It is double negating the dialogue.First of all, this was an okay start for an adventure novel. It's the entire Frodo Baggins begins his adventure sort of thing I see here. With grammar and punctuation, all is well not much error found.
Like what IncohesiveScribbles said, I also felt like it was rushed. You could put in other details or word it heavily so the intensity of the matter would weigh in as a chapter itself. For me, I found this more of a prologue and the depth will come in later. Which, I think all your readers will expect too
It dawned to
What exactly is her age? You also said that her guardian looked like her age, but what? If you mean to imply their ages in the way they speak, it would still be confusing. I honestly think Lisbeth is just around 12 or 13 by the way she speaks and acts; while Sylvan sounds a bit more mature than that. It's kind of hard to imagine their scenes without this detail.
As I said earlier, you might want to pace this story a bit slower so the reader can indulge in the world or the moment you will be creating.
Okay, I think that's a wrap. Hope this helps. Good concept, you have here! Good luck with your further writings!
-Waltzing
Hello Masquerad3,
I really like this story idea, and I feel if is carried out well it could make an amazing story. Everything in this first chapter is good content. But to me it feels rushed, especially the part about guardians. You take a handful of paragraphs explaining them when I feel it should be two or three pages. The reason being, you as an author obviously know everything there is to know about guardians. But me as a reader is like a new born baby, because you created this concept I have no knowledge of guardians. Personally if I died, I would be asking many more questions than Lisbeth does in her first meeting with her guardian. Maybe she would freak out from knowing she was dead. Or if there is any religion in this book she might question if Sylvan is a real god or not... the possibilities are endless.
Also because it is the first chapter, maybe explain more about why demons attack villages or just more background and folklore. Even though guardians are a main point in the story, don't introduce them until the second chapter, just so you can expand upon the setting of this story.
As for a title I don't think you can really come up with one until around the end of your writing process. The title should reflect your whole book and encompass all it is. You can't do that until you have a book to encompass.
Overall this is a great story, and I can't wait to read more of it. Good Luck!!!
-Incohesive Scribbles
Thanks so much for the concrit! I can definitely see where you're coming from. I agree, it does seem a bit rushed. Taking this to heart! Again, thank you!