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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
This is beautiful. I can't really put my finger on why! But it really clicked with me. It started out a little dull I must admitt, just words telling a story but not inflicting much emotion, but towards the end it gets real exciting, dark and exciting. For the sake of rythm I would consider splitting this up to a few stanzas and add a little more punctuation and also, last line "were dead" should be "was dead". Other than that, BEAUTIFUL, excellent piece. I do not know if that was the intension, but for me this is mental illness described with beauty.
Thank you for a good read! If you have any questions, please PM me. Oh, and also, welcome to YWS
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
This is beautiful. I can't really put my finger on why! But it really clicked with me. It started out a little dull I must admitt, just words telling a story but not inflicting much emotion, but towards the end it gets real exciting, dark and exciting. For the sake of rythm I would consider splitting this up to a few stanzas and add a little more punctuation and also, last line "were dead" should be "was dead". Other than that, BEAUTIFUL, excellent piece. I do not know if that was the intension, but for me this is mental illness described with beauty.
Thank you for a good read! If you have any questions, please PM me. Oh, and also, welcome to YWS
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
"we thrive on her dread
so sometimes for fun
we like to get in her head
and make her feel things
so she will wish she were dead"
i like these last few lines are really good. It ended this poem with a certain feel that i cant describe.
"one too many pills on her breath
some tears on the cheek
now it won’t be long
soon she will be ours"
This made me gasp a little because one of my friends aunts over dosed and had to get her stomach pumped .