Hey guys! I know this isn't that great, but just know that this is just the beginning of a book I am planning on writing. Hope you like and please leave reviews and comments!!!
Greg was hot. One of the hottest guys in school. Buzz cut, deep brown eyes, the works. But he was a jerk. Caught him cheating on me twice, stayed with him. The thing about Greg was that he made me feel good. Compliments, chocolate, Teddy bears, flowers, you get the point. I probably have about eight Teddy bears from Greg. He got each of them from a different place. The biggest one, he won for me at the carnival. It was a beautiful clear night and Greg had asked me to go to the carnival with him. And of course, I had said yes. It was our third date, and I wanted it to be extra special. When we got there, we walked through the stands, and he kept on asking me if I liked any of the prizes. I kept saying no. Until something caught my eye. A giant stuffed unicorn. "That's the one." I said "You sure?" He asked, raising his eyebrow. I nodded.
The objective of the game was to shoot water from a water gun into a cardboard clown's mouth. The more water you get in, the bigger the prize. Greg payed the overweight Carney a couple bucks and picked up the water gun. He aimed and shot for the mouth. The water ended up on the clown's forehead. I don't know how that happened. So, long story short, he didn't get too much water in the clowns mouth, got the giant teddy bear, and gave up for the night. That was when I had second thoughts about Greg.
That was almost two months ago, when Greg and I first started dating. A month and a half later, we broke up and Greg started dating a member of the cheer squad. Now, I'm on the prowl for the perfect boyfriend. The problem with that is the fact that I pretty much dated every single guy at my school. Except a few. Mostly the nerds, you know, like the chess players. A couple others, too.
All of this ran through my head as I jogged around the track. I thought about the possible boys I could choose from. There’s all those nerds. Nah, it’s okay. I don’t want to hog them. That was sarcasm. But seriously. There’s a ton of hot guys, it’s just that they’re all taken. For example, Travis. Totally hot but, taken. Taken by cheerleader Ashley Anderson. Also, there’s Jace. Taken by drama geek, Sadie Duncan. Okay, I don’t want to waste time saying who they’re taken by. So here goes nothing. Austin, Tyler, Liam, Asher, Jasper, Blake, Hudson, Brandon, and Dylan. Oh yeah, almost forgot my favorite, Jacob. Jacob McKnight, taken by head cheerleader, Tiffany Lane. AKA Queen Bitch.
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Wow this is pretty good so far. Too bad there isn't any more of it cause I like it. But, I don't understand the part with her having second thoughts about Greg just because he didnt get her the unicorn. Is that her personality or was there a secret meaning behind it or did he do something else that you with reveal later on. Also the part when u say that she has dated every guy except for the nerds it almost sounds like she is saying that all the guys she has dated we're nerds. Like all the guys in school are mostly nerds. I don't know it just sounded like she was saying she dated a lot of nerds but u cleared up my confusion with the lots of hot guys part. Anyway I say it was about a 4 outta five
Thank you for this! She had second thoughts about Greg because he gave up so easily. Anyway, thank you for the review!
Hey there!!
I just wanted to say that this was amazing. I normally do reviews but I just wanted to comment! I can't wait to read more about this!! PM me when the next chapter is up!
Awwwwwww! Thanks!
Hi there!
I really enjoyed this! About the first sentence, it is quite effective, it's short, snappy and introduces the reader to what you're about to talk about, but it could be slightly longer and more unusual. Odd first sentences are always a good hook. Something that at first sounds really weird but immediately seems intriguing and catches the reader's attention.
The use of incomplete sentences can sometimes detract from someone's writing, but I think you put them to good use here as they are in keeping with your style.
There's a small typo at the start of the second paragraph when you repeat "the". And "clowns" should be "clown's". But I think "clown's" is repeated too many times, just a minor point.
The piece ends quite abruptly, but I'm guessing this isn't the end of the chapter, so that's fine. I would also get rid of the colloquialism.
Overall, I think it's a really good start to the book. The writing is engaging and has a nice flow to it. To me, this main character is coming across as quite shallow, I don't know if that's what you were going for or not, but if it was, you've achieved it! She also seems like a bit of a slut if she's dated every single guy in school. But I would quite like to know her name by now and maybe a couple of details about her appearance e.g. hair colour, so I can picture her.
She has good potential for a really good character progression throughout the book though, because by the end she could have really changed as a person and learned some vital lessons about life.
A great start! Keep writing!
Bethan
Thank you for this! I fixed the typo, and deleted one of the "clown's". I didn't really want the character to come off as a slut more of just really hard to please, and has high expectations in a boy. I'm planning on having a bunch of unexpected twists in the story and changes in the character. Anyway, thanks for this! It really helped alot!
No problem
And yeah it is more like hard to please so that's good 
Hi, mb1221 is here to review this piece.
You have made a good start for your novel. These first few paragraphs are so catchy, so congratulations on that. The only few things I have noticed that could be better are:
- The first sentence, "Greg was hot." seems so weak here. You could have said something else like, "Greg was the hottest guy in our school.", as it is much more explanatory that what you have said. Also, make sure to talk about the speaker. What kind of person is she? Her looks? The reader will be curious and passionate to know about it.
- In the last sentence of the second last paragraph, you have said "ya know". I think it would be much better if you said "YOU know". Sorry, but colloquialism irritates me when I see them in written pieces, especially novels and short stories.
These are all the points that I wanted to make. I would strongly encourage you to make some slight changes and definitely continue to write the novel. These first few paragraphs have good potential, and it would lead to many themes that are relevant to adolescents. Welcome to Young Writers Society. Let me know if you need any other works to be reviewed. I am looking forward to read the rest of the novel. Hope you have a great time at YWS!
Thank you for reviewing this! I think I will definitely add some more stuff about the main character, and maybe talk a little more about Greg. Anyway, thanks for this, it really helped! I'm not much of a writer, but i have a ton of ideas I've been waiting to get off my mind. Thank you!