Study Hall Music

Nice! I really liked this poem! Especially the ending: 'Taking the same path up / Down', that was a really great line. OK, now onto the nitpicks (be warned, I'm not a poet and the things I suggest are my opinions only!)

maryletsflyaway wrote:I am walking slowly
As if to pay attention to everything around me

The second line was a bit wordy, I don't know what to suggest changing it to, but I'd look over it again.

I close my eyes, and let the air come over me
I feel surrounded by the simplicity
And nakedness of being alive,
Wholly alive

I really like this stanza, apart from the line, 'Wholly alive'. I don't think it's needed and it disrupts the flow.

And as I walk, a warmth pours over my being
I breath in the air and it is sweet

'breath' should be 'breathe'.
'And as I walk' doesn't quite sound right to me either. Maybe remove the word 'and'?

End to nearer end, close to close

I's put a full stop after the last 'close'.

Time for me has stopped
And I no longer move

Full stop after move.

The air is blowing softly against my skin
So softly

Comma after 'skin'.

Play away, in their perfect audible form

I feel like this should be 'playing away', rather then 'play away', but I'll leave that up to you

Breathing deep slow breaths

I feel like you've been re-using the words 'breathe', 'breath' and 'breathing' a bit too much in the poem, maybe you should change this line to something else? Perhaps 'breathing in the soft air'? or 'Inhaling the breeze', I don't know, but I think it should be changed

Everything around me an antithesis
To everything

I don't get it? What is an antithesis to anything? Because the sun is warm and the air cold? I don't think that's really an antithesis... I guess it is, but I wasn't too sure if that's what you meant, and also the word antithesis seemed a bit out of place for me in a poem that was written about such simple and natural things such as hearing music, breathing and nature. I know their intricate and exquisite, but you haven't described them as being that way, so the word didn't really fit.

And I can’t stand knowing this

This line stood out to me as well, it didn't really fit. The poem is written beautifully and then this line makes me picture a stroppy teenager at the top of a hill. I'd suggest changing or removing it.


Overall
As I said at the beginning, I really enjoyed the poem and I hope I wasn't too harsh as I really do like it. I think it's different to a lot of the poetry I usually read on this site. It's insightful and thought-provoking, which is what poetry is all about, in my opinion!

The main issue I have with the piece is that there are no full stops. I decided not to point out every individual place where there could have been a full stop, but there definitely needs to be some somewhere, so I'd work on that.

Keep it up! You're a great writer

Well I don't know too much about poetry, but I really liked this! It was beautifully written!

I breath in the air and it is sweet
With the history
Of itself
Its legitimacy as a sustaining force
As a provider

These couple lines were very thought provoking! From an average reader, well done!