Published March 23, 2011
I walked up to his front door, the porch light shining dimly to the left. Through the window I could see that the lights were off, but I rang the doorbell anyway. I waited a few moments like always, looked back at my dad parked by the curb, and waited some more. Finally, I could see a figure approaching the door. The door opened and he was standing in front of me, wearing a green t-shirt and gym shorts. He had no shoes on, but he had a black sock on one foot. I handed him the little decorated box and my heart skipped a beat. I watched him as he opened the box and sifted through the treasures inside.
There was a folded note written on a piece of patterned paper. Next to it was a little leprechaun pin sitting on a bed of glitter. And finally, a dried flower lay beneath it all. He fingered the note and began to unfold it while trying to balance the box and its contents. I took the box from him and he began to read aloud.
“I’m feelin’ lucky… so will you go to prom with me?”
I don’t think he was expecting this because he looked a little surprised. I smiled up at him, my lips curving half in anxiousness and half in pure joy.
“Who’s asking me to prom? You or the leprechaun?”
“ The leprechaun,” I responded, chuckling.
“ I’m sorry, but I don’t date midgets…”
“Oh… well that’s okay then.”
I felt a little heartbroken as if he were actually denying me, but I knew he was just kidding. This moment had been a long time in the making.
“Of course I’ll go with you,” He said smiling, his eyes full of the type of sincerity I was hoping for.
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140,280 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hi! I'm Trish, and I'm here to review this!
So, first off I'd just like to say that I really enjoyed the simplicity and sweetness of this story. I found that it flowed really well, and you did a good job with the dialogue/written note thing.
But one thing I think that you could improve on is the conflict. Right now, you have a tiny bit of a conflict, between her and her sub-conscious, but you could flesh that out a bit more to create a kind of internal war. Let her hesitate, make her nervous, stretch it out for a bit. Make sure that we can tell that she is nervous about what she's doing, and create the chemistry, the connection between the two characters.
Other than that, I'd just like to point out one more small thing that I noticed:
This one part, "like always" makes it seem like she's done this all before? What do you mean when you say "like always"? Make sure that everything you say always makes perfect sense to the reader.
But other than those two small things, I think that you did an amazing job on this! It was well written and thoroughly entertaining. Great job, and I look forward to reading more of your work! Keep writing!
Hey,
This was a good start but I felt like it was too short. For some strange reason, people these days seem to think that slapping together four paragraphs will a line or two of dialogue makes a short story. While some can be that short, it doesn't work for everything. This story in particular came to me like a commercial, short, cute and extremely forgetable. There's no oomf, no special ring to it that makes me want to keep this in my mind and disect every line of each character. It's just a random moment when a random girl asks a random guy out in a random, cute way. There's nothing that makes me think 'Woah, this was inspirational/moving/worth reading. It was, to be frank, pointless. I'm not even saying this in a mean way. There was, quite literally, no point. You gave us the begining, middle and end in less than ten lines. Make it longer and then it'll be fantastic, but right now it's left something to be desired.
Favorite Line: I smiled up at him, my lips curving half in anxiousness and half in pure joy.
Grade: B
~Jas
Hi. You have very good grammar, (Thank you for that!) but I did catch one thing...
I think you could make this story even better by starting out with the girl in the car with her dad, being nervous, picking at her fingers, wondering what the dude'll say, wondering if she should back out now. It would add to the suspense. The whole thing was kinda abrupt.
Poor thing, has to be driven to the house of the boy who she's going to ask to prom by her dad.
Keep writing!
aww...i thought it was very sweet.i loved at the end when she felt like he was saying no but then he sied i can related with that emotions so i like it alot. another thing is that i think you need to express the characters feelings,expretions and the way they look.just i tiney bit more detail. loved the story though
Hmm, I'm still not very good at this whole review thing.. Oh well, here goes nothing!
Anyways, I really like your story. The pacing was great and understandable. The length was just right in my opinion and I enjoyed reading your story. If anything I think you could be a little more descriptive. You did great, I think, except when it came to describing the boy character. All you said is that he was a figure with a green shirt, gym shorts, and a single black sock. Based off the title of the story I couldn't tell whether or not this character was a leprechaun or not. I don't know if it was only I who got confused or what. But, I think you should describe him more. (I couldn't understand if he was a leprechaun or not until you said "I smiled up at him, my lips curving half in anxiousness and half in pure joy.")
Which means he is taller then the main character. Or is she a leprechaun? I'm guessing not based off the male characters joke towards the end of the story.
I don't know if I confused you or not, I hope I didn't, I just think that the story need a little more clarification.
Can't wait to read more from you!