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16+ Violence

14th of April

by mary781


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

She felt the slight, dull pain in her throat that always seems to be there. He had made sure of that. He, she didn't know who he was anymore and when she thought about it, she didn't know who she was anymore either, or how she had ended up there.

That place, where no one helped her, where there seemed to be no way out and no hope.

All she knew was him with his brown, almost black hair, the constant indifferent, almost satisfied expression on his face when he made sure that she never forgot him and the hopelessness, the pain. The pain that he inflicted on her body, when he drew the knife across her throat until her life energy filled his hands and brought color into his life. But whenever her heart became lighter and the pain completely engulfed her until there was no room for anything else, it disappeared.

Because as often as he split her skin, he brought it back together again. She didn't know how, but she would never be able to escape.


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Fri Apr 19, 2024 2:36 am
TheLastWriter wrote a review...



It's really good! I like the metaphors that you use to describe the pain the girl is going through. Some sentences felt like they were running sentences. So maybe break them up into other sentences so it flows better. Also you shouldn't start any sentences with 'but' or 'and'. Otherwise, it's very very well written!!




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Sun Apr 14, 2024 7:24 pm
Moonlily wrote a review...



Hello Hello, I am here with a review for this nice little work. First, welcome to The Young Writers Society I hope you enjoy your time here. With that out of the way I do like this it has the potential to be a strong story if it was a little longer. I do have a few things I feel I have to bring up. Starting off with the fact I would switch around some of the lines to make a stronger hook for the reader. (Don't worry the first line and page are often heavily edited. )

Again this is just my opinion and a very thought I had so there is no need to make these changes if you don't want to. I think something like this for a hook might be a possible option.

" All she knew was him with his brown, almost black hair, the constant indifferent, almost satisfied expression on his face. she didn't know who he was anymore and when she thought about it, she didn't know who she was anymore either, or how she had ended up there." Then if wanted you could add the lines about the pain.

My second point goes back to show dont tell, you tell the reader about him but I feel it would be more impactful if you showed the reader. Perhaps show how the woman tries to get help through dialogue or describe how the knife presses a cool edge against burning nerves.

( if you are unaware of the show dont tell as there are so many people with different skill levels here I would recommend you look into it as it's a hard balance to achieve. )

Regardless welcome to YWS! keep writing and remember to drink water.




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Sun Apr 14, 2024 6:17 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

She felt the slight, dull pain in her throat that always seems to be there. He had made sure of that. He, she didn't know who he was anymore and when she thought about it, she didn't know who she was anymore either, or how she had ended up there.

That place, where no one helped her, where there seemed to be no way out and no hope.


This is a very powerful little tale here. I think despite being as short as it is, it packs an incredible punch there. Really does bring out a lot of fear in such a short amount of words there. The start here is quite nicely done. It doesn't have the most terrifying note to it in terms of sheer things going on, but the description of what the current sort of state happens to be is equally powerful to start with. It gets us imagining the scene for one but also makes us wonder about how this happened and what might happen next which I think is a powerful place to be.

All she knew was him with his brown, almost black hair, the constant indifferent, almost satisfied expression on his face when he made sure that she never forgot him and the hopelessness, the pain. The pain that he inflicted on her body, when he drew the knife across her throat until her life energy filled his hands and brought color into his life. But whenever her heart became lighter and the pain completely engulfed her until there was no room for anything else, it disappeared.

Because as often as he split her skin, he brought it back together again. She didn't know how, but she would never be able to escape.


And then of course we get to this bit and things really kick up to eleven. I think you've timed that appearance really quite well there and it immediately hits that much harder because now its just filling in the gaps in the horrors we've already imagined. That's really well done there and then when at last the idea of a cycle, one that never seems to end in particular gets introduced there it really ends up hitting very hard.

Overall, really nicely done here. Makes your skin crawl and really brings across an atmosphere of hopelessness and sheer terror quite well.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




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Sun Apr 14, 2024 11:24 am
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wizartjay says...



That was gut-wrenching. Well written.





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