Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
The moon is full. The light hitting the rusty old metal fence. The screams oh the screams as my master stabs the limpt body of a old woman. He then cut off her head and in her blood wrote 10 on her forhead. I unsheath my silver knife and jump out behind a large tree and stab master in the back. His blood crimson read flows onto my hand."The apprentice overcomes the master!" I say in a hiss. I pick him up and cut off his head and write 1 in with his blood on his forehead. I think to my self "first of many!" I hear a rustle behind me and I think there number is number two!
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Even though it is supposed to be horror and mystery or suspense, yeah, I thought it was pretty funny. Don't take this wrongly though. What I find amusing was how the apprentice turned out to be. Now, proceeding to the things I have to point out, there were a few grammatical and typographical errors. The last line was also unclear.
Animal is here
to save the worldto review.What is that supposed to be?
I don't know but kind of funny.
I will mark out the mistakes.
limptIt should be 'forehead'
unsheathit will be unsheathe {That's what my spell check says}thibkEdit this sentence. It's has meaning but very bad grammar.-Ani
Hey EatSleepRead here. First of all, just wanted to say, WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you love it here!
Finally, someone who is my age in this place... 
I can see you are 12 years old, and I'M 12 TOO!
I hope I don't sound mean when I review this, but I just want to help you and your writing so you could enjoy YWS.
ANYWAYS, I think your story is really good! Buuuut it was a little too short for my taste. This is first person, you have the opportunity to pour out every single thought of the apprentice! Use it!
And the paragraphs. I think some people below me already said something about this, so I won't say anything else, but this is a reminder about your paragraphs from me.
And the grammar, people already said something about that...
"thibk"... I know you meant "think" but please read over work whenever you post, so you don't make any accidental mistakes, you know? I used to never read over my writings in school and here and everywhere else and I got points off from my teachers because I made a stupid overlooked mistake. I learned then to always read over my writings, and I had always fixed little mistakes. If you do that, I'm sure you'll be a great writer since you already have the imagination.
Also, for the title, I advise you to capitalize the A in apprentice because every word's first letter in a title has to be capitalized. I don't know why, but that's one of the English rules...
For this story, I want you to keep writing this please! It looks really interesting! I like how the people write down on the dead person's head the number of people they've killed... That's really cool... I'm also really interested in the apprentice and master's relationship, do they hate each other? Did the master do something to the apprentice to make him want to kill his own master? What do you have planned?
Sooo yeah... Keep writing!
~Renee
Uhm, I think you have an excellent plot right there. But, this story which is written in just 9 sentences and 6 lines would be able to fill a whole book if expanded.
There is no transition of scenes to make a person's imagination flow with the story. From the moon, we're instantly transported (or rather, teleported) to the screams of a dying woman. Immediately, an apprentice stabs his master and becomes the serial killer, whith his first prey lurking in the bushes.
This was not good.
Some grammatical corrections you need to acknowledge:
"...a old woman" the articles 'a' and 'an' are used differently. 'a' is used before a word whose first letter is a vowel (a, e, i, o, u); while 'an' is placed before a word whose first letter is a consonant (all alphabets that are not vowels).
E.g.
an old woman (old begins with 'O' which is a vowel)
a flat tyre (flat begins with 'F' which is a consonant)
Also, the phrase 'The screams oh the screams' is lacking of punctation. It should be 'The screams...oh the screams' (or something like that at least).
There are other mistakes which I will leave to time to help you address.
I can observe that you have a nice imagination, and I see that with time, study and experience, you'll be an excellent writer. I'll follow you to keep seeing your work, for I'm never wrong in my observations.
thabk you i might make a series of this but i dont know
Hello this is Sam123 and i will be reviewing you today. Ok so I like your work a lot, but there are some problems. Ok one is when the apprentice attacks his master. I would consider reversing this part (his blood crimson red flows onto my hand). also in the same spot you acciendentally wrote "read" instead of "red". Other than that its great and keep up the good work
this is my first peice and the thought came to me and i had to get it down