Too tired
all i want is the world to be quiet
I m so scared
but nobody cared
Wating so many days
i don´t have on this another phase
Everything what i feel
i don´t think it´s a big deal
Maybe is not too much
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Heya! Here's a review for you as your work caught my eye by the title! First off I would like to welcome you to YWS and I believe you will fit in anywhere you find yourself here. Now here is your review! The first two lines: "Im so scared." "But nobody cared" these two little lines alone hold so much emotion in just a few words and your carried it out nicely. The next line had me pondering for a moment from a reader perspective I really understand this quite well. Waiting endlessly on days to what seems no end for something to bring peace or even freedom. Now I will say some of the lines also don’t make quite a lot of sense the fifth and the seventh could use a bit more clarity on what it is your trying to convey. Nonetheless, your work is creative and I definitely see room for wonderful potential in your future work. Can't wait to see your future works.
Hey there! I noticed this piece has been in the Green Room for a while, so I thought I’d help get it out of there for you.
Let me first say that although this is a short poem, you’ve packed a lot of emotion into these lines!! It sounds like the narrator is going through burnout, and the simplicity of your sentences helps get this point across well.
Just some little nitpicks--your apostrophes are getting separated from their surrounding letters, oh no!! This is probably because of an international keyboard (speaking from experience).
I also noticed that you have some grammatical errors, and in any free-verse poem you should strive to keep those rare--but especially in a poem as short as this one. However, never fear, because these can be fixed quite easily :)
Some of the lines also don’t make much sense--like the fifth and the seventh. Really think about the meanings of those lines and how they can be refined to get the point across better.
This piece also could have benefited with some analogies and figurative language to really drive home how the narrator is feeling. Comparing the narrator’s feelings to weather, familiar experiences, or nature could really add some interest to the work!
Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem of yours!! Keep writing!
<3, chem
This sounds like an old-fashioned burnout to me. A rubber band can only stretch so far before it breaks. Same with us.
First off welcome to YWS,
This seems to be your first poem and I quiet like it I think it captures the Zeitgeist well. It communicates a certain feeling that we probably all know. A feeling of restlessness, anxiousness but also inconsequentiality. The world seems to be collapsing every other day but also everything mostly stays the same.
Now lets go through the poem step by step to see how you manage to evoke these feelings.
The title and first line are "too tired", which indicates to the reader that the speaker is unable to do something or accomplish something because they are so tired. This opens up the question of what they are too tired for.
The second line, reveals that they are tired because the world is too loud. This line establishes a discontent at a loud world. While not explicitly stating this the associations with a loud or noisy world are always modern, also noise is linked in most peoples minds with the news. So this communicates to us, that the speaker is tired of this modern, loud world with too much information. This line adds a lot of depth from my perspective and that is why its my favorite line in this poem.
The third line escalates this poem from the speaker just being tired of the world to being scared of it. Which also represents an evolution in the speakers mental state.
The fourth line, shows the despair the speaker is in and that they have nobody to listen to there troubles.
Then the fifth line reinforces that feeling, by telling us they have been waiting for days either for this feeling to end or for someone to reach out to them. Obviously neither has happened driving them further into this negative emotional state.
The sixth line, I don't quite understand. " i don´t have on this another phase"? You probably want to communicate that the speaker thinks this is not just a phase because it wont pass. Like you stated before they have waited for many days, but the way you have written it it makes no sense. It should say something like this "I don't think this is another phase"
The seventh line has a similar wording error, it should be "Everything that I feel"
The eighth line communicates a dismissive attitude towards the speakers own feelings, them telling themselves those feelings of agony they just described are "not a big deal". Anyone has probably struggled with these thoughts to some degree before, that your own feelings are insignificant or "just" feelings.
The ninth line then ends on the speaker doubtfully saying that maybe they are actually just overreacting, but the maybe informs the reader of the inner doubt the speaker feels.
Well that was a lot to say about nine lines, but strap in WE ARE JUST GETTING STARTED, okay not really I just have some more thoughts.
Overall I really like this poem, It made me feel something which is, in my opinion, what all poetry should strive for, but I think it could use some more work. The rhymes often don't rhyme seamlessly "too tired... be quiet" "many days ... another phase". And like I pointed out before some sections are written in a confusing manner ow with the wrong word. Although that may just have been auto correct having a bad day.
I hope you write more and I look forward to seeing your next piece.