From off the rock I slip away
The high waters carry me
The mountains rise around me
Air, in circles, sweep the leaves
On my back and towards the sky
Drifting through the muck and mire
On the banks I see a hare
Tangled up and frantic now
A fox looms nearby, and waits
Frightened now, I close my eyes
Crumbles of eroded earth
Drawn and pool around my feet
Submit this to memory
As high waters carry me
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139,646 Literary Works • 672,640 Reviews
Hi there!
Well, you've got some decent imagery but it's too basic to really take us anywhere and give us something to shape and mold to our ideal.
A rock, water, a rabbit, a fox. Ya, that's nothing it all goes by much too fast and the reader is left unsure if they even know what your poem said.
You have to add a second layer to your poem that makes the reader think after they finish reading the poem, even if it's just for a second. This poem is too one-dimensional, if you get what I'm saying.
Make it two or three dimensional. Give us something, we need brain food.
Kamas
Hey there!
Ok, so as people have said this is some pretty nice imagery you've got running through your poem. Very nice indeed.
I would quite like to see some punctuation here. It's glaring out at me, the fact that there is no punctuation and that every line is capitalised. Poetic rules, you know? It would be nice if that was all corrected.
~Amy
As everyone says, picturing the poem is very easy, which is a great quality. I would suggest, if you wanted to make this piece stronger, try varying your vocabulary. A few words ("now" for example) become repetitive and I'm not sure that's what you were going for. The structure is nice too, btw.
The imagery was abundant! In a good way, though. I loved the way you worded some of the lines. Like the last two lines. You drew the poem nicely to a finish, and didn't end abruptly. Some poems sound good with an abrupt end, but the way yours ended was very neat and smooth. good job! Keep Writing!
~Lukan
no, you would be correct in thinking so. It was just a nice way for me to encompass some of the feelings i have about life right now, the swift, fleeting nature of our lives. I thought floating down a river would be a nice image.
As "twilight tiger" said - fantastic imagery.
I could picture the scene very vividly, due to your powerful usage of words.
In a way, I guess your poem could be metaphorical to some other situation (perhaps an emotional one?).
Was this your intention, or am I completely off my rocker?
Keep well
This is written really well. I like the rhythm, and the flow. Even though you went off for a while without really rhyming the words, it still went. And that, right there, impressed me. As sometimes when it doesn't rhyme, it sounds off. But not yours. ^^
I liked the very last line, it was my favorite out of the entire poem. and No, it wasn't because it was the end, it was because I liked the way you worded it.
This poem was really good, the structure and style, especially the imagery you provided.